R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Hell in a Cell

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

We all know that this past Sunday was WWE's first ever Hell in a Cell PPV, and it emanated live from my home state of New Jersey in the beautiful Prudential Center right in the heart of beautiful downtown Newark! Ironically, now that I live in New York, I am closer to Newark then when I used to live in New Jersey. Now, as I hinted at last week, I was in fact Newark this weekend! And what a tale it is!

I know, I'm pretty excited too.

First thing I had to do was go to Intern Brian's apartment and help him set up a new TV he bought. This was terrible because he lives right in the middle of Midtown, which is full of tourists and fats, aka, the two classes of people who don't walk correctly. He did make it up to me by making this. That took a little longer then originally imagined, and then we were off to take the PATH train (Port Authority Trans-Hudson, newb) to Newark. Stupid us. Stupid stupid us.

You see, what we forgot is that on the weekend, the PATH runs a little slower (because why would anyone want to go into New York on the weekend, right?). So in addition to not running as frequently, we had to go out into Hoboken, then back around to get to Jersey City to switch to the Newark line. Normally the ride from New York to Newark on the PATH is about 30 minutes, the same as taking an NJ Transit train, but this is cheaper. But on the weekend schedule, try an hour. And we were already running late!

Anyway, we got there just in time for the show to start. Luckily our seats were good and we were in the lower bowl. So no long lines to get to them. But you know what? Why bother? It was terrible! The Devils played like such ass, and Brodeur couldn't stop a beach ball. And there were Flyers fans everywhere and it was just an ugly night. Thankfully, the two Devils I have on my fantasy team both scored goals, so it wasn't a complete wash. But I'm concerned with their inability to pass so far this year, plus it took a last second goal to beat Tampa Bay last night. Tampa! The second worst team in the NHL last year!

This is what we call a "Bait and Switch"

Oh, you thought I went to Hell in a Cell? Why would I have done that? At the least Devils' game might not have been terrible. Hell in a Cell was guaranteed to be.

About that terrible PPV. It stunk. Not all of it, but the general concept and some silly booking decisions really left something foul in my metaphorical mouth. Let's start with the show opener, CM Punk defending the world title against the Undertaker in the cell.


For some reason, they keep booking Punk in gimmick matches with short time limits. So they just turn into spot fests. This one was no different.

Leg dropping pensively, planning his next toot.

Look at Punk's arms! He thinks he's flyin!

Punk actually kicked out of this, so he did look strong. However, it was not enough as-

The worst 69 ever

Taker must have caught some pubes in his mouth

Now, I know that with three cell matches you have to space them out so as not to fatigue the crowd. And I also know that this match was originally slated to go on last, but Undertaker called an audible because he didn't think he could physically deliver a PPV closing match. But therein lies the problem. Why turn "the most demonic, career ender" match into just a filler match in a two month feud? Why have three cell matches on one card anyway? It's not like you risk overexposing the gimmick to when it can no longer draw, right? And why put the title on a guy who isn't there physically, anyway?


Thankfully, Dolph Ziggler and John Morrison had a pretty awesome IC title match.

I know how these boys feel

Anyway, nothing much to say for this one other than that it was a good back and forth match with a lot of nearfalls. There were come fast paced spots like this neck breaker-

Thank God his neck really isn't broken, because we know what that leads to.

And Morrison's numerous attempts at the Starship Pain.

Starship also built a city.

Of course, that's it, so Ziggler is now 0-3 in his IC title shots. I've got to imagine that's it for him and he'll be pushed down the card, which is a shame as he can really go and wears some sweet Zubaz. Still, he's no longer credible in the eyes of fans. So I guess it's time to bring on...MIKE KNOX OMG!!!!?

Also, why that match followed a World Title match in a cell is beyond me, when they very well could have brought the crowd back down with a Divas match or this worthless R-Truth/Drew McIntyre thing.

For all those flamboyent shirts, why wear just plain old black tights?

Anyway, McIntyre won his match with a real gay pin.

Real gay

And yes, I'm aware that match went on after the Unified Tag Title match, but you really can't expect me to end this with Drew McIntyre taking R-Truth down to Uncle Touchy's Naked Puzzle Basement (you won't wear a shirt and you'll cry), can you?

What's the best way to reward Rey Mysterio for returning from his drug suspension? Give him a title match on PPV! Hey, being rewarded for stupidity is practically the "K" in RKO. Of course it's against- UH-OH!- the Big Show!

I got it, one dude is very big and one dude is smaller then average

Thankfully, Rey has a partner. Someone who is smarter then Rey by never failing a Wellness test, THE ANIMAL!!!!BATISTA!!!!!


And there was teamwork!

It's like when your dad let's you see the fireworks

Way to provide some support there, Dave

So sure, Chris Jericho might be out of the picture, but that still leaves Fat Justin Credible/Fatter Penn Gillette to handle this. Can he possible leash The Animal?

Reminds me of buying a choke coller for my dog

This match is all done now. But wait it's the





Oh, well never mind then. JeriTall with the win again. Try again, you prodigious down-and-outers.

That's the whole show! And that's it for us! Time now to sip some tropical umbrella drinks on the beach! Vacation! It's all I ever wanted! Vacation! Just have to get away! Oh, and watch Smackdown tonight at 8/7c on MyNetwork TV. Or over on that website that Fox and NBC own, and ABC is now a part of.

W.W.W. featuring Bam Bam Bigelow and Warrior

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff then us

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your Welsh love letter/vlog to CM Punk's junk ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - Bam Bam Bigelow debuts in WCW



Matt's response...

How little did WCW care about what was happening in the ring? There's a match going on! Can't this wait until the match is over?

Apparently not, because Bam Bam Bigelow is clearly a loose cannon. "The most dominant force in professional wrestling," as we're informed. Oh, and our announcers also let us know that we've never seen anything like this before. Never has a professional wrestler ever come in unannounced. Truly history in the making.

Uh oh, now here comes Goldberg to answer Bigelow's challenge. And again, here's probably something else we've never seen before: two men being held apart by security.

Uh, no, that's not it...

Er, just wait a minute, I'll get it...

There we go!

Now things are getting even worse! Bisch wants to see J.J. Dillon backstage. I wonder what th--wait, is that Twins? Is Twins coming on? Screw this, that's a classic comedy!

Poor Bam Bam though. After such a strong intro, his career in WCW is barely a paragraph in his Wikipedia entry. Here's the highlights, if you can call them that:

• Feuded with Goldberg
• Moved to Hardcore division
• Formed the Jersey Triad with DDP and Chris Kanyon
• Lost a match to Mike Awesome

Bigelow's career was, unfortunately, not "too sweeeeeet."

Bam Bam's life after wrestling reads like a dictionary definition of Murphy's Law. He was divorced, and then sued for child support. He was burned over almost half his body while saving three kids from a fire. He disappeared to Florida. He was charged with endangering a child after reckless driving, and was then busted for having pot. He was in a motorcycle wreck, and would have faced murder charges if his girlfriend, who was riding with him, didn't recover from her injuries. Good grief.

From the looks of it, Randy "the Ram" had it better.


Then he died, the day after my birthday in 2007 (I promise I didn't wish for that, but that would have been weird). His last known words were, "At least I wasn't in Jersey."

Matt's video to Adam- Ultimate Warrior Private Workout Footage


Adam's response....

Dear Warrior,

I am your biggest fan. My mom tells me that you are a bad influence, but I think she's wrong. I tell her that you gorilla slammed Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania 6 and the entire earth shook. What is bad about that? Anyway, as your biggest fan I have a few questions-
1) How'd you grow up to be so big and strong? My mom tells me that it's through homework and vegetables, but I said there is no public school in Parts Unknown! Also, is the One Warrior Nation the main political party in Parts Unknown? I looked it up in my social studies class, but since it's unknown there wasn't any information.

2) What is your favorite college basketball team? I suppose Parts Unknown isn't D1, because you wear your Arizona shirt a lot.

3) What's your stance on gay marraige? (Hahah..how did I hyperlink a child's letter? LOLZ)
4) How many grunts and snarls should I do to improve my bench?
Thank you in advance for your response. I have taken the streamers off my bicycle and tied them to my arms, just so can I be more like you! I have included a picture of us being friends. Maybe you could do the same?



Your fan,

Warrior

W.W.W. featuring Greg "The Hammer" Valentine and Piper's Pit

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so our tribute to Randy Orton's hog ain't gonna fly here, pals. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - Greg Valentine cuts a racial promo on JYD



Matt's response...

How many more times am I going to have to listen to that horrible rock n' roll song every time that nasty, black man comes to the ring?...I'm going to rub your nasty, black face right in, right into the ring, you understand, and all that's going to be left is a big black spot. -Greg "the Hammer" Valentine

Some might say this is racial. I know whomever posted this video would. And it sure seem Gene Okerlund would as well.

Incidentally, his reactions are so gold in this. I've always loved Tony Schiavone's reactions to any of Flair's promos, but this one is right up there with any of them. The first "nasty black" seems to take Mean Gene off guard.

"Did he...huh?"

The second time around, Gene is sure that he caught a whif of something bad.

"Ok, now hold on...surely he wouldn't say it again."

And the third time, well, the social warrior in him has to step up and regulate.

"I'm going to put my hand up to you now. That's quite enough sir."

And all this time, Jimmy Hart is all smiles.

But getting back to my original point, there are many people who would say that this isn't the type of thing we should have to stand for, especially not now in post-racial America. I submit, however, that perhaps "the Hammer" didn't do anything wrong at all.

I present Exhibit A:


Now look at him. Tell me how anything Greg Valentine said was incorrect. First of all, yes, he's black. That's obvious to everyone, certainly to someone who has to lock up with Junkyard Dog from time to time.

Second, he has a face. It's that thing towards the top of the picture. Pretty much everyone has one, and he's no different than anyone else. Even if he really were a junkyard dog, he would still have a face.

And third, it could be considered "nasty." Realize that I'm not offering my opinion on JYD's face; I'm just saying that to some people, his face could be nasty. It's not particularly pleasant. He's got quite a scowl going on there. It's hairy, and a little oily. I see no reason to begrudge Valentine for thinking that Junkyard Dog's face is "nasty."

He doesn't say that his face is nasty because it's black, does he? We're just assuming that's what he means. And suppose for a second that he were fighting someone like Jake Roberts, who's face is also possibly nasty and is not particularly tan. Would we be upset if he said Jake had a "nasty, white face."

I don't think we would.

Maybe it's time to start looking past race, and maybe we should stop assuming that anytime someone mentions the color of a man's skin, it's not a degrading remark as much as it's simply a characteristic of the man.

Now, as far as leaving a black spot on the ring? Well, I don't know what he meant by that. Maybe he thought JYD was really Piper who'd gone full-coverage on the body paint.


Or maybe he could have just dropped "nasty, black N" on him and saved us a little trouble.

Matt's video to Adam - Piper's Pit: Where's that Junkyard Dog?



Adam's response...

First thing you notice: panther tee shirt. Awesome.


Anyway, this is a rather in depth Piper's Pit segment that was taped in 1984 from the glamorous Brendan Byrne arena, located at the state of the art Meadowlands sports complex in beautiful, East Rutherford, New Jersey. Anyway, Roddy Piper is getting standard heel heat by insulting a local sports team. The fans are throwing garbage and he says that "if only our baseball team could throw like that!" Well I'm going to assume he means the Yankees, but they're a New York team. If he wanted to really insult us he should have picked the Devils, who were terrible at the time. But, it's hockey, so no one but me would care.

Hot Rod then brings a fan into the ring. A Mr. Jack Baker, who hails from Morristown, NJ. For some unknown reason the crowd cheers this. In all honesty though, he was pretty good. He held his own with Piper, got in a few good lines, let Piper get in more good lines, and seems like a nice enough dude. I sure hope he wasn't a plant. He probably wasn't though, because like a woman, he exited the ring underneath the middle rope.

Piper then calls upon a "lady" from NJ. Yikes. She is not a looker, despite Piper's insistance to the contrary. Thankfully, she's not actually from New Jersey; she's from Westchester! And her favorite wrestler is Hulk Hogan! Rather then attack her for entering the Pit unprepared, Piper let's her go. And you thought he wasn't a nice guy?

One of my pet peeves in life is on display in this video. Maybe it was to get heel heat, but I find it to be very common. Namely, everyone entertainment group that performs in the state always referees to that city as "New Jersey." This doesn't happen anywhere else. Well guess what, LOL audience? Time for your civics lesson.

New Jersey is a diverse state, complete with industry, agriculture, education, and the arts. Although often thought of as having only highways and oil tankers, the Garden State is actually rather agrarian. The state is the world's leading producer of both cranberries and squash! The average income is the second highest in the nation. Rather fitting for the first state to ratify our Bill of Rights, no? Another large industry is tourism. The famed Jersey Shore offers fun in the sun, while rocking out to the acclaimed "Jersey Shore" sound created by Bruce Springsteen and Southside Johnny.

Some more fun facts: Napoleon's brother, Joseph, lived in New Jersey for 17 years. The first baseball and football games ever took place in the state. The Lindbergh kidnapping occurred here as well. Also, the following inventions were all created in the state:

• FM Radio
• motion picture camera
• battery
• light bulb
• electric train
• saltwater taffy
• ice cream cone
• and submarine warefare

Some notable residents in NJ history include (but not limited to):

• Jack Nicholson
• Danny Devito
• Bruce Springsteen
• Jon Bon Jovi
• Frank Sinatra
• Thomas Edison
• Kevin Smith
• Queen Latifah
• Redman
• Count Basie
• Muhammed Ali

So clearly, what's so bad about New Jersey, Mr. Piper?

Anyway, this being black history month, both Matt and myself sent each other videos involving The Junk Yard Dog. So clearly the JYD is going to....no? Some Italian dude came out insted? His name is Salvatore Bellomo, and no, that's not a worked name. I'm sure he was a big star in NJ, being Italian and all, so the descision to send him out would garner a huge pop. I bet Little Guido/Nunzio was at this show, and that's what inspired him to be a professional wrestler.

A little background on Bellomo:

Then

Now

Just kidding. That's actually the Nintendo mascot, Mario. This is what he looks like now:

Eh..wasn't that far off.

Heh, Piper called him a "dumb WOP" on live television. What a time to be alive.

Of course, Sal has got to be a man and not let that slide, as he answers Hot Rod back with the greatest comeback ever. "Don't call me a dumb WOP or I will beat you." Sick burn.

And now "Mr. Wonderful" Paul Orndorf comes out of the lockerroom to hug both Piper and Piper's bodyguard, "Cowboy" Bob Orton. What's going on here? This is insane.

Sal is about to be beat up when he's saved by a mummy! What a pop! He has a chain! Where did a mummy get a chain!? Oh, it's the Junk Yard Dog. His head was covered like a mummy. Well, New Jersey was the last northern state to abolish slavery, so maybe he had to go incognito. Regardless, you know what I always say. "Don't bark at a junk yard dog!"

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? vol. 14

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...





Now I know, the song bit is usually Matt's, but this is a special occasion. That's because Smackdown was in New Jersey last week! Yes sir! Bruuuuuuuuuccccceeeee!!! BRRRRUUUUUCCCCCEEEE!!! "Livin' on a Prayer!"






Wait, I hate all that stuff (except for the Sopranos). And I bet the WWE does too. Let's see how much they phoned this one in just to get the hell out of dodge.

We open up with where we left off last week. Michelle McCool took the week to calm down and felt the need to apologize about her brutal attack on Maria.

Ladies, always check for lumps. LOL, Wresslin' cares about your breasts.

Maria bounces down the ring to accept the apology, cause that's what girlfriends do! Wait, Maria looks a little tanner.

What nice cheeks you have

Who is that? Eve? Who the hell is Eve? Well according to her bio she won the Diva Search a while back. They still have that? Really? Well I guess Michelle felt it best to apologize to Eve for her attack on Maria? That makes no sense and OH NOES!!!

You'd figure the shoe would hurt more...

Oh well, I like a woman in charge.

Also, after weeks of anticipation Kizarny finally debuted! A dirty, smelly, carny felt it best to debut when he felt comfortable, in New Jersey! And who better to have a successful debut against then MVP? That's right! No one!



Welcome to Smackdown, Kizarny! Interesting pin! Apparently the food chain in the locker room places pedophiles above non-handicapped people who park in handicapped spaces.

I think someone over at Smackdown reads this blog, because my little question about the validity of John Morrison and The Miz defending the world tag titles on Smackdown has been answered: they can't. Thus, Festus and Jesse, who were feuding with them, are now in the WWE Tag Title picture. They faced The Brian Kendrick and Ezekiel Jackson in a #1 contenders match! Of course, that's where it ended, because the team of racial harmony beat the two backwater racists.


Finally, GM Vickie Guerrero announced that Edge will take on Jeff Hardy for the WWE title at the Royal Rumble. And she also announced some of the participants! Valdimir Kozlov, Shelton Benjamin, HHH, and the Undertaker will all take place in the Rumble! And HHH was so over joyed that he came out thank Vickie personally! How? By making fun of her weight and announcing that....


Wait...nude Vickie photos?!! On eBay?? Waaaaa!!

ewwwwwwww

Ewwwwwwwww

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!

Ahhh...much better.

I mean MUCH better!

Well, thank God Smackdown got out of the Garden State! They are surely going to be somewhere better this week. They're in....New Jersey again?? Crap. 8/7c, MyNetwork TV, I guess (channel 9 for you locals.)