OH BABY, I like it Raw! Swingin' the big Timba

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



There's a lot of talk about what's going down in the wrestling world tonight, but before we can get there, we have to take a trip down memory lane. So hop in the WABAC machine, and let's set the dial to one week ago...

TOO FAR! WE'VE GONE TOO FAR!!!

We start the night with Cena demanding that he get a rematch with Sheamus for the WWE Title. Sheamus, knowing that a mid-carder can only hold the championship so long, was smart and declined the challenge. However, Cena remembered that this is the WWE, and if you can't get your point across with words, it most certainly can be communicated with violence.


So we're set for a rematch later in the evening.

Randy Orton decided that the other members of Legacy are going to have to do something other than look good if they are going to continue to be his backup (the Laugh Twins, however, don't have such harsh standards, so Teddy, if you're looking for future endeavors, we'll entertain your application. Not you though, Cody. We're fairly certain your mom was drinking while you were in the womb).

So Ted DiBiase, Jr. is going to have to prove his worth by facing Evan Bourne while Randy watches ringside. This worked out for Teddy by not just giving him the opportunity to show off his skills, but also to promote The Marine 2: Marinier, which is out on DVD now.


Ted won the match, so he gets to keep kissing Orton's ass.

Next up was Cody Rhodes. Now, I'm not a betting man, but if I had to guess as to which member of Legacy that Randy Orton was hoping to be rid of, I'd say it's Cody. Not judging from his past performance, of course, but rather his chosen opponent. You see, Ted had to face this joker...


...while Cody had to face this one...

It's like Santa Claus ate Santa Claus. Oh, and turned black.

Somehow, Cody was able to win, proving once again that Mark Henry is nothing more than a plot device.

Maryse was looking to exact some revenge after Kelly*2 pinned her last week and won the Santa's Little Helper match. We can see how a loss in that match would be a thorn in anyone's side. So we're stuck at a fork in the road in this match, seeing as how we typically cheer for whichever Diva is the hottest in any particular match. I guess we'll have to go for the tiebreaker and cheer for the one with the most cleavage.

Or maybe the one that pins like this.

Maryse picked up the win and then beat the crap out of K-Twice, proving that aggravated assault is ok if it's between two smoking hot women.

Mr. McMahon came out to announce that he wasn't going to accept Bret Hart's request to guest host an episode of Raw. Something tells me that Bret didn't so much request to guest host, but rather the WWE waved a huge wad of cash in his face, and Bret requested to have it. However it went down, Vince was not going to have that happen.

But then Shawn Michaels came out to request a rematch with the Undertake at Wrestlemania 26.


McMahon said that wasn't up to him, seeing as how he doesn't have any control over the Undertaker. Well, that's not a very good thing to admit. Why even have him on the payroll, or is he forcing you to do that as well? What a liability to a company to have an employee that can't be controlled whatsoever. I think I need to let E*Trade know there's a change of plans.

Shawn then decided that it would be a good idea for Bret to host Raw, and McMahon changed his mind as they exchanged a little glance. Are there ulterior motives at play? We'll let you be the judge.

Hint: there are

Kofi has finally decided to fight someone other than Randy Orton, and that person is the Miz. Excuse us while we express our excitement.


Of course, we aren't content to see just one bout, because if Kofi wins the first non-title match, he'll be granted an immediate second match for the United States Championship. This a gift from our guest host Timbaland.

Thanks for hosting Raw, Timbaland. Please enjoy your complimentary prostitutes.

In order to keep the drama going, Kofi wins the first one, and is set to win the second, when none other than that dastardly Orton came out to attack Kingston, causing him to win by DQ but not capture the title. Of all the low-down, dirty deeds...why Randy, I think you've gone too far!

"You don't even know how far I can go."

Chavo Guerrero continued filling the place of Chris Jericho in Jeri-Tall, which is as bad as Chavo filling in for anyone. Of course, because of him, they lost to DX.


Jericho was there, however. He'd gotten a front-row ticket, since he's no longer allowed on Raw. This after he stood outside the arena, asking fans to sign a petition so he could be reinstated to Monday Nights. This man hates Smackdown so much that he's willing to seek the support of the sycophantic hypocrites. That's telling.

DX said they'd face Jeri-Tall for the titles, as long as if Big and Rich loses, Jericho will stop trying to get back on Raw.

Now show yourself the door!

Finally, it's that big Cena and Sheamus rematch you've been waiting for, and guess what - it ended in a DQ. That's right, Sheamus grabbed the ref and that was all she wrote for that match. Naturally, Cena was upset and wanted to prove he could beat up the Celtic Pride anyway, so he dragged him back in the ring.

In an stunningly vivid proof of the old Irish saying "Don't start nuttin' if you don't want nuttin'," Sheamus leveled Cena with a boot to the head. Twice.

WWE.com intern Understatement of 2010

So there you have it. The stage is set for the return of the Hitman to Monday Night Raw this evening. And you didn't hear it from me, but apparently another sHOboating GArgantuaN is making an appearance on a different promotion that may or may not remind you of female body parts. Raw starts at 9/8c on USA.

OH BABY, I like it Raw! Summon a Damon

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



We hope you didn't mind the short hiatus we took over the Christmas holiday. You only missed a Smackdown recap, so I'm sure it wasn't that bad. However, I assure you that you're going to wish you missed this one too, since it seems that we're being left with very little to entertain us these days.

Guest host Johnny Damon (he's some athlete - look it up) let us know that Santa would be coming by Raw to grant a wish. Well, I'm sure that's going to go very well without any sort of violence. Also, we have a 3-on-3 Divas match...STARTING NOW!

It's a Santa's Little Helper match, meaning the good Divas dress like this...


...and the bad Divas dress like this...


At least they all match this time, right WWE.com interns? Good girls win this one.

Kofi Kingston and Randy Orton have settled into fighting each other every week in some form of tag match, and last week would be no different. Here we have Kofi enlisting Mark Henry and Evan Bourne in his team, and the Legacy on the other side.

Cody Rhodes will take that sign's advice to heart.

As always, things would get pretty brutal when these two bulls lock horns.


The action was so intense, the WWE.com interns barely had the ability to write a coherent sentence.

Even more strength than what?!

Kofi would come out on top of this match, because it's Christmas and WWE believes in charity.

We were then given the opportunity to watch real life legal drama as DX was taken by Hornswoggle to "Little People's Court." I'm serious. This is probably all you need to know:

Before you ask, yes, that is a midget.

They were found guilty of being taller than Hornswoggle, or whatever it is those midgets get upset about.

This night was full of matches that meant absolutely nothing, such as John Cena versus Jack Swagger. Why did they fight? I don't know. I must have missed the explanation when I got up to make a sandwich. Cena won. Don't believe me?

Proof.

Then there was Chris Masters, who beat up Carlito because he tried to steal a kiss from Eve under the mistletoe. I guess that's a little more understandable, because Eve is a stone cold fox, but still, I don't need no gosh-darned romance with my rasslin'!


But I guess Masters did it for the right reasons, so good for him.

For Pete's sake, act like you've been there before, you big dufus.

WWE Champ Sheamus beat the crap out of MVP, because for whatever reason that match needed to happen too.


Of course, this lead to an announcement that John Cena and Sheamus would face each other this week, so that was all worth it.

The Miz continued to completely waste the fact that he's United States Champion by beating up "Santino Claus," which, if you couldn't guess, was Santino dressed up like Santa Claus. And if one wrestler dressed up like Santa wasn't enough, Chris Jericho decided to have a go at it, coming disguised to the ring to grant Big Show's wish that Jericho be reinstated to Raw.

However, they didn't count on the WWE's littlest detective, and Hornswoggle yanked off the beard to reveal that it was Jericho all along, thus ending the ruse and prompting a flood of midgets to the ring to fight one of the greatest and one of the biggest professional wrestlers of all time.

The only logical conclusion.

DX would come to rescue and welcome Hornswoggle into the fold, making him the official mascot of the team, since we all know that he's incapable of being considered anything other than a ceremonial pet.

Timbaland is the host this week. I want to kill someone. USA, 9/8c.

OH BABY, I like it Raw! A "little" help

SEASON'S BEATINGS!!

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



As I've stated before, I apologize for missing last week's recap. Allow me to just give a quick thought on that Thanksgiving edition of Raw with guest host Jesse "the Governor" Ventura. It was a lot of fun. However, it's lost a bit of it's shine when you now realize that Ventura was just using it to plug his show after he talked shit about the WWE only a couple days after doing the show. C'mon Jesse, at least let us believe you for a week.

Last week's show was hosted by Verne Troyer. Who's that, you ask?

Wait, we still care about that guy? Also, this picture is just creepy.

So how did "the little one" start off Raw? Well, he didn't. JeriTall and DX did that for him. Apparently, the Tag Team Champions aren't happy that DX is their opponent for TLC, and DX isn't happy simply because that's the cool thing to do.

Skullcaps FTW

Here's the reasonable match they came up with: Jericho and Triple H will have a match tonight (last week!) and whomever loses will have to face the both of the opposing team members next week (tonight!). The stakes couldn't be higher.

I stand corrected.

One other thing I didn't mention about the Thanksgiving edition of Raw is that MARYSE IS BACK!


I know I shouldn't be excited about a heel Diva, but I think I'm allowed this one. She dressed up last week (two weeks ago!) as the Gobbledy Gooker to attack Melina, and this time shed the turkey get-up to pin her during a tag match.


There's a "turkey stuffing" joke in there somewhere.

Sheamus beat up Santino to...prove a point? I'm not really sure what point that would be, other than he can beat up WWE's dumber, cross-dressing version of Borat.

Verne Troyer makes an appearance only to be insulted by the Miz. Well that's just mean. Troyer (and WWE interns) have had just about enough of the United States Champion.

...if you couldn't tell by his facial expression.

Troyer pulls out the Raw equivalent of KANE! on the Miz and puts him in a match against Mark Henry. Oooooh, you're gonna have to eat your words, Miz!!

Seriously, you're going to have to eat them, or Mark Henry will eat them for you.

The long-standing feud between Randy Orton and Kofi Kingston continued as the two were booked to face off one-on-one. Of course, that didn't mean the Legacy couldn't have their way with the Fakin' Jamaican first.

ACTING!

They beat him up quite a bit before the match started, leaving easy pickin's for Hoggo.

During a contract signing on the Thanksgiving show, John Cena was attacked by his opponent for TLC, Sheamus, and put through a table. Cena decided to tempt fate and actually asked Sheamus to come out and do it again.

Honestly, WWE.com interns, who doesn't?

Instead of Sheamus, Carlito came out for some reason. That's not cool.


Cena beat him up for trying to spit apple in his face, and only then did Sheamus show up for the patented "cross arena staredown."

Mark Henry and the Miz had their match. Do I really need to you how that turned out?

Figure out the rest.

Finally, it's time for HHH and Jericho and as you might expect, this thing gets pretty brutal.


Things would get so dirty, in fact, that both men would knock each other down for a near 10-count, as counted by Screamy McRef.

Go ahead and zoom in. You know where. It's worth it.

Trips would be the one to go the distance in this one, meaning tonight we'll have Jericho facing DX sans Big Show, and really, is that a loss for anyone?

Raw emanates from Dallas this week, but sadly, I'm unable to attend. Just another way I'm failing you, the reader. Perhaps it's a good thing, since I won't become jaded and miserable like my fellow Laugh Twin, but it would have been nice to go all the same. Made quadruple-nice since my earthly master Mark Cuban is guest hosting! Go on Cubes! Give Orton some payback for giving you an RKO six years ago!



Tune in tonight at 9/8c on USA!

OH BABY, I like it Raw! Don't worry...I'm UK

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



So Raw emanated from Sheffield, England last week, and our guest host was this boxer named Ricky Hatton, who's about the only athlete from the United Kingdom who's worth a damn. Believe me, that's not saying much.

Now, before you start to wonder, "What does Hatton have to do with the WWE?", I'll tell you. You see, one of Hatton's recent losses (I know, right? Which one?) came to some Filipino dude named Manny. On that night, Manny was escorted to the ring by a certain lonely gentleman the WWE Universe likes to call THE ANIMAL!!!!


So Hatton has some face to save, albeit somewhat tangentially. As is custom, the Unified Tag Champs want to come out and start some stuff with the guest host.

Even the WWE.com interns know it.

But ol' Ricky's not having any of that. He makes a match between Jeri-Tall and DX!! Already this week is turning out to be the same as last week!

We all know how original the English are. Just look at their signs!

For his second act of the night, Hatton steps things up and makes Alicia Fox go one-on-one with K-squared, meaning only one thing to me. PHOTO TIME!

That's what's been missing...

Of course, as you would expect when these two lock-up, things get pretty hot and heavy in the ring.


Alicia won.

Sheamus beat "a local competitor." When do they hold these try-outs to face a real WWE wrestler? I never see them posted anywhere when Raw comes to town. Maybe I'll try Craigs List...

Found it! They post some odd pictures though...

Evan Bourne finally beat someone. Of course, it was Jack Swagger, so we might want to save the bragging for another week.


Tension continued between the Legacy and Kofi's Kool Kompetitors, as they had words for each other during the VIP Lounge. And I'm glad Randy and his guard models came out too. It's not fair for Kofi, Mark Henry and MVP to come out on MVP's interview program and spout only their own views for a segment. There is such a thing called "equal time," and these three shouldn't be allowed hijack the airwaves simply because they have a friendly outlet. Good for Randy standing up for the voiceless!


Naturally, this meant someone had to fight someone, and those someone's were Randy Orton and Mark Henry. Randy would finally settle the pressing issue of who has the larger hog, and got the win over the World's Strongest Man. Seems like strength can't stand up to a viper bite!

After the match, Kofi and Randy got into a scuffle, and Orton had to retreat. He wasn't happy about it, though.

Also, this is your not-quite-weekly Cody Rhodes photoshop contest.

Chavo Guerrero decided that since there was a boxer on the show, they should try to answer that question that's been answered several times before, "Who would win between a boxer and a professional wrestler?" Allow me to provide you a little something from the WWE.com recap of this fight...

...Hatton bided his time, avoiding Chavo's clutch and waiting for just the right moment. That moment arrived several minutes into the bout...

That's right. This lasted more than a minute. Hatton won.

Finally, it's that historic match-up of Jeri-Tall and DX. Will strength and athleticism defeat pyros and crotch jokes?

Big Show is not impressed.

Show, of course, would be big and dumb again and accidentally punch Jericho, giving DX the ability to pin. I guess that pretty much wraps up the ni-

Thanks for the sexually suggestive pose, WWE camera guy.

Wait! That's the Undertaker!!! But he's on Smackdown!!! Apparently 'Taker is here early to let us know that next week's (this week's!) guest host, Rowdy Roddy Piper, got busy early and put him in a match for next week (this week)! A Triple Threat Tag Team match with DX, Jeri-Tall and...Cena and the Undertaker? Well, let's just see how this turns out! USA at 9/8c!

OH BABY, I like it Raw! Osbournes to be wild

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



The life of a Raw guest host must be hard. Having to show up and suddenly book matches that are expected to be entertaining can't be an easy task for anyone. For Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, it was no different, as they faced a parade of whining prima donnas, all looking to get revenge for something that happened an entire week ago! Ugh, get over it, fellas!

Thankfully, they wouldn't have to tread these waters alone, as they would get some helpful and unbiased advice...

Maybe I spoke too soon.

DX would help set up a number of matches we should care about, as Miz will face Evan Bourne in a title match, Kofi squares off against Randy Orton, and Big Show, Chris Jericho and John Cena in a Triple Threat! Thanksgiving came early, judging by this buffet of greatness!

We kick things off as we tend to do with the Miz. It sure is a good thing he was ready to wrestle, since they just made that match a few moments ago. Whew! Lucky us!


Of course, this being Evan Bourne, he would get in a lot of offense, look really good, and ultimately fail to beat his opponent.

Perhaps if he didn't get all his moves from Mortal Kombat.

So Miz is still U.S. Champion. Go ahead and wipe your brow, all one of you.

Randy Orton and Legacy would next take on Kofi Kingston, MVP, and Mark Henry, proving once again that WWE is not concerned at all about improving race relations in this country. This actually was supposed to be a one-on-one, but Legacy got involved, so the quick-thinking Osbournes made it a six-man tag. And my, would things ever be thrilling!

Cody looks more and more like this guy every day.

As you might expect, the match ended when Mark Henry did something fat to Cody Rhodes, but there were bad feelings still between the Viper and Kofi. At least the two could find a little common ground...


The Osbournes and the Great Khali would then judge the first "Raw's Got Talent" featuring Santino, Chris Masters, Chavo and Jillian. There is nothing funnier I can say.

Alicia Fox won some Divas battle royal to become the Number 1 Contender for the title. Let's see if I can find a picture from that...

Good enough.

Finally, we have this big main event three-way. Cena will be in a different Triple Threat come "Survivor Series," and his opponents, Triple H and Shawn Michaels, were sitting ringside to watch the action.

"Fan of the Night" is sponsored by Where's Waldo

A lot of questions surrounded this match. Mostly, would team Jeri-Tall work together to bring down the champ?


Jericho was able to get the pin and win, but they both proceeded to beat up on the Massachusetts Man-slammer, which didn't go over very well with DX, who decided that being good was better than being smart and intervened on Cena's behalf. An intervention which earned them this-

No means no, Trips.

That's pretty much all that went down last week. Not a big deal, really. Tune in tonight when some British nobody hosts Raw. Should be fun! USA, 9/8c!