OH BABY, I like it Raw! Cash is King

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Again, Raw is bound by the mandates of Donald Trump, so they have to pick a guest GM for the night. How long is this going to go on? Forever? Can they never change it?

Whatever the case, I'm a fan of it last week, because it brought us the Million Dollar Man as the guest host. Seeing as how his cleverly-named son, Ted DiBiase, Jr., is part of Legacy, I'm curious how this night is going to turn out.

How is he still the champion?

First we find out that Teddy and Cody will fight Edge and Christian Jericho for the Tag Belts at "Night of Champions." Well there you have it. Putting your kid and his buddy in a title match right away. Really fair.

But then we get these matches: Cody Rhodes versus Mark Henry, for some unknown reason; and Ted Jr. versus Randy Orton, because he thought it was time for his boy to stand up to Randy. Both of these were met with serious whining.

"But daaaaaaaadddd"

Moving on Edge and Jericho defeat Carlito and Primo, causing Carlito to snap and attack Primo.


This, of course, because Carlito realizes that he'll never be anything but a mid-carder again.

Mark Henry and Cody Rhodes was predictable, in that Mark Henry beat the living crap out of Cody Rhodes. Cody did get some offense in, employing the seldom-used Liu Kang bicycle kick.


But it was to no avail, as Rhodes eventually got hurt and ran from the ring in order to get intentionally counted out.

Someone more talented than us need to photoshop him into funny situations.

Next was Ted versus Randy, and we all know how this is going to turn out: Teddy will step out of the ring, allowing Randy the easy win. Then they can all go and have ice cream afterwards.


Or not. You see, Orton suggested backstage before the match that there was no way DiBiase could beat him anyway, and Ted took that to mean he should try. So he gives his best effort to defeat his boss "The Viper."

I had a dream like this, only I played the part of Orton's tights.

Of corse, Priceless gets hit with an RKO and he loses.

Apparently we're supposed to care about this next segment, the VIP Lounge. However, I didn't. All that happened was Jack Swagger had some mean words to say to MVP, so they're going to fight later or something.

Ok, WWE.com writers, can you really denigrate someone called "The Ballin' Superstar"?

Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne have a high energy, knock-out match that surely entertained all that attended and the millions watching at home...only to get both served up to the Big Show. Because there's nothing that goes great after some wonderful and exciting wrestling than seeing a 500-pound man sit on someone.


Then it's the match we've been waiting an entire week for - John Cena versus Triple H for the Number 1 Contender's spot at "Night of Champions." What could possibly happen when these two lock-up? Fireworks? Explosions? Total protonic reversal?

Oh.

So apparently all of Legacy is back on the same page, and Cody and Teddy go off to attack both Cena and Trips at the same time, resulting in a double disqualification. Meaning no winner. Meaning, to Orton, that he doesn't have an opponent for "Night of Champions."

Classic villain logic.

Naturally, it doesn't pan out that way. What does the WWE do every goddamned time they have to choose between two people to challenge for a belt, but don't have a clear way of doing so?


Yes, Ted DiBiase made it a Triple Threat match for the PPV. Woo. Hoo.

Be sure to tune in tonight, when our special guest GM will be that legendary WWE superstar...Seth Green?

Competing with the Miz for "Douchiest Head."

So that's going to happen. 9/8c on USA! Be there!

Groove is in the heart

SEASON'S BEATINGS!

Slow times around the offices of the Laugh Twins. Sure, there's some stuff going on around earth-53, but most of it centers around how awful the build towards Wrestlemania has been. Although we could write a thesis on that topic, that brand of discussion is usually best served as a bookmarks for the week. What else is going on? Well a certain someone failed the test, but we're not talented enough to make it funny after that line that would break our "be nice" New Year's resolution.

Thus out of the doldrums of uncreativity we present to you a list. No, not that silly little thing we did a few weeks ago. Rather, a list of personal favorites. The top 8 wrestler entrance themes in WWF/WWE history! Why? Because an awesome entrance can make a good wrestler a legend and an awful wrestler a star! Take WCW's Glacier for example:

Er...ummm

And of course, music is more important then just fancy lights and dancing. The crowd needs to be in sync with the superstar. We need to breath in the same increments that he breaths (albeit..a little heavier.) A few ground rules before we start listing. First, these will only be songs written for the sole use of wrestling entrances. Thus, every theme Rey Mysterio and Edge have ever had will not be here. Keep in mind, we're fine with name bands providing themes, but it must be written for the purpose of wrestling. Also, we won't be posting the videos, just link to them. Open the links in new browsers and listen up. We clear? Then without further adieu, let's commence with the list!

8) Chavo Guerrero

Odd choice? Well that's to show you that we put thought into this! Clearly we know our stuff if we picked such a no name theme to open the list! Seriously though, this song rules. A nice slow build as Chavito Heat struts his way down the ramp. Listen. The bass opens as an eighth note but speeds up to a sixteenth! All while the timbali keeps a steady time signature! This song is poetry! Throw in some horns for a melody and you got yourself eight place!

7) "The American Dream" Dusty Rhodes

Dusty Rhodes was a big draw working the NWA territories in the 1980's. He had some epic title matches with Ric Flair. Thus, you would fully expect him to be treated with respect and dignity when he finally signed Vince McMahon's lucrative deal to come up north.


Yea, you know us too well at this point. What did Vince do? He put him in polka dots and made him dance in the ring with an Aunt Jemima impersonator (named Sweet Sapphire!). Naturally, this would be doomed from the start. Except for this epic theme song. And lo and behold, ole' Dusty made the best of it and didn't tarnish his legacy one bit...

...until he sired these disappointments

6) Chris Jericho

He's had various remixes over the years, but they're all essentially the same tune. What makes it work? Crunch guitars, drop D tuning, vocals sung through a condenser mic. True, that can be said for most butt metal bands of the early 2000's, but this one just works. It's character specific, and throws in a few biblical allusions for good measure. After all, the Y2J problem came to save us from boring television much as Save_us.222 did. It's the perfect sound for his character and is deserving of our praise.

5) Mr. McMahon

We're just going to get this out of the way. All the songs fit their character. That's why they're ranked so high. But good Lord, does this one just hit it out of the park. Very similar to Jericho's, except it came first and has a pretty sick bass break down on the bridge.

4) Jake "The Snake" Roberts (heel)

Yes, sometimes wrestlers change their music when they change sides. You can't be cheering "Head!" when you want to boo Al Snow, right? Thus, this John Carpenter inspired tune for probably the greatest ring psychologist ever conveys every feeling of terror, unpredictability, and ultimate failure (you know (tm) he never won a title in the WWF? We know this stuff isn't legit competition, but he was never considered a big enough draw or dependable enough to have a strap put on him. Which would be good because he has a habit of not wearing pants) that comes with The Snake. What makes this one so special is that is isn't all that different from his face music. It was just darker. Or to us? Perfect.

3) Hulk Hogan

Once again, just to show you that we're paying attention, we're throwing you this curve ball. Yes, it's iconic. Yes we know every word by heart and love the music video for it. And yes, it might make us do more jumping jacks then the two above it. But we don't get the same glee we get listening to it as we do the next two. Still, it's a classic, and deserves our respect, no matter what his ex-wife's people may say.

2) Any Motorhead song used by HHH

Trick question. Lemmy is God.

1) "The Million Dollar Man" Ted Dibiase

Do we need to justify this? It's number one for a reason. It's awesome. The end.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHH!

MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY-EEEEEE!


BONUS UPDATE: We also want to mention the theme song of Jesse and Festus. Although not great, we just love screaming "Biscuits and GRAAAVVVYYY!!" around the office.

W.W.W. featuring Jake "The Snake" Roberts and "The Million Dollar Man" Ted Dibase

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your "How to Make Ronnie James Dio in Smackdown vs Raw 2008" video ain't gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Matt's video to Adam- Bill Apter Interviews Jake Roberts




Adam's response...

Ok kids, calm down. We'll have our fun with Mr. Roberts soon enough. But let's take a deep breath and really look at this video. There is more then one person it. In addition to The Snake we have the man interviewing him, a man known only as Bill Apter.

Who is this Bill Apter character? Well, using the finest research tools at my disposal I was able to learn that he's been writing about professional wrestling since the 1970's. He wrote primarily for Pro Wrestling Illustrated, which was a known as a "mark magazine" in contrast to the "dirt sheets." Basically, magazines like PWI kept up kayfabe and covered pro wrestling like it was legitimate sporting competition. However, think of it more in vain with Soap Opera Digest rather then Sports Illustrated. Still, if Mr. Apter is continuing the charade that wrestling is real, then clearly speaking to a legend like Jake would be quite the honor, rather then the uncomfortable, slightly smelly encounter it truly is. After all, on Earth-53, the DDT is respected!

Anyway, this is a fairly recent interview that happened at the Legends of the Ring convention. Wait, Legends of the Ring? That sounds oddly familiar. Well Jake seems to be in good spirits. For some reason though he doesn't like Cleveland. Wonder why that would be?

It's a mystery

Oh, right. Well let's not dwell on the negatives. Let's talk about the positives. Jake's blogging! Like us! He has The Raw Report. The Raw Report? Is that the best you can come up with? What about Snake's Thoughts on the Monday Night Wrestling Related Program produced by World Wrestling Entertainment (inc) and aired on the USA Network, a division of Universal? Or at least Roberts's Raw Report, keep it a little more personal and alliterative, you dolt.

Still, he says we can find this blog on his official website, which is a Myspace profile. Listen Jake, we've been hard on you before, but seriously dude, I'm a little worried. This is honest advice. A Myspace profile is not a personal website. It's not even a real website. Hell, anything .blogspot isn't an official website. It's a space on the net that allows advertisers to know exactly what you like and thus they can send me ads that say "25 and single?" I shudder to think of the ads you get when web browsing, Snake.

Anyway, I'm going to peruse the man's "website." Marital status- single. Well no surprise there. Children? Proud parent. That must be a default, because I don't think Jake is proud of his kids. I can say with certainty that his kids aren't proud of him (no I can't). We can order some great Snake merchandise by going through his handler, farmgirl (at) atlantic (dot) net. Yup, not store (at) jakeroberts (dot) com. Not even through a third party wrestling store. Nope, some female farmer somewhere on the east coast. Oh, and here's a photo of Jake and his publicist.



Wow, what young boy did he kidnap from soccer practice? Well by using the finest research tools at my disposal I was able to conclude that this "man" is a 23 year old undergraduate at the University of Florida. That's right, he hasn't graduated from the state institution of the state with the lowest educational system in the country. I'm sure he can get some good publicity. Oh, and look at this suicide note he left for all his Myspace friends!



Why are we here again? Oh right, The Raw Report!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Jake re: Orton-McMahon Thought I would do something different. And since I enjoy the Randy Orton and Jericho ending to Raw, just like to say how I think it would have been better. Can't get much better than Jericho on his knees...But with Orton, here's how I would have done it. First, I would have not let Stephanie leave the ring. Instead would have had her there and one of two things would have happened. When Vince went to fire Randy, could have had Vince duck and hit Stephanie. Then, as Vince was tending over his daughter baby-popper, then have Orton kick and do the damage to Vince. Actually not my first choice. My choice would have been Randy nail Vince as he's firing him which knocks him into Stephanie. Stephanie could go down or not, and if not, she comes at Orton who throttles her and as Vince comes up, shoves her on her ass and does the damage on Vince. But I still think, the best would be for her to be knocked down and Vince hovering over her, and as he turns and fires Orton, then Orton starts to leave and just turns and does the kick. To me, that's heat. Just a thought, and to show that this old fart still knows what he's doing, you tell me which one would be more heat. What I suggested, or what you were given. See you soon. Jake

Bill Apter would make the safest comment ever and say that, "Raw has its highs points and its low points." Jake would say "Raw should attack Stephanie." I'm going to say both comments suck.

Anyway, this is wrapping up. One last question for Snake: "How would a Jake/Rey Mysterio match go?" My guess? Badly. Jake's response? "Hopefully longer then five minutes." Hahah! Good one! Seriously. Jake showed a little humility and had a pretty good line, invoking both his own mortality and Rey's unbelievable conditioning. Nice going. What's that? He's continuing? "Because that's about how long matches go now.." Oh come on! Seriously? It's the system's fault? I bet you could still be a world champion, today, right Jake? Having a hot feud with Bob Backlund or something?

What?!? Scott Hall shows up out of nowhere? Wow! Thanks Matt, this video ruled.

Adam's video to Matt - Million Dollar Man's Thanksgiving



Matt's response...

SEASON'S BEATINGS!

Huh? It's the end of January? Well, I just thought since Adam sent me a Thanksgiving video, I had lapsed into a coma and awoken at the holidays. Which made me wonder who'd been writing my articles since then...

Well, ok, this is certainly disappointing. I mean, I agree with Jesse "The Body" in that I would LOVE to know how Ted DiBiase spends his Thanksgiving, but I tend to wonder that around, oh say, Thanksgiving, perhaps? Anyway, I'll charge ahead, being the soldier of the interwebs I am.

If the description on the video is to be believed (and since we believe Wikipedia, why not?) this is from 1987, which would make this the first Survivor Series PPV. Survivor Series has featured a lot of great superstars. In fact, just three years later, The Undertaker would make his debut at this PPV, brought in by our subject today, The Million Dollar Man. Coincidence? Yeah, probably.

So Jesse Ventura wants to know what DiBiase does on Thanksgiving, and Gorilla Monsoon imagines it's deplorable. Sure, let's paint everyone with a broad stroke, 'Rilla. Give the man a chance; maybe he feeds orphans on Thanksgiving.

Well, no. He rides around in a limo apparently, counting his money again and again. I mentioned to Adam today that this is probably the best gimmick to have at the time. Rather than Jake Roberts, who had to be greasy and carry a snake around, or even Hulk Hogan, M.D.M's thing was to go around acting like a big shot all the time. And in a day when kayfabe was protected, that was pretty cool.

So this video really has nothing to do with Thanksgiving and is more a highlight (or lowlight) reel of all of DiBiase's despicable deeds. We start with him offering a kid three hundred dollars to do ten push-ups. Seriously? This is easy. Here we go, kid. Make mom and dad proud!

He can't do it?! Come on! Look, I wasn't all that athletic of a kid, and I'm not all that athletic of a grown-up either, but I can do ten push-ups, especially if you're going to throw piles of cash of at me. And Ted didn't even have to do anything to make this kid lose. He just couldn't do it! What are you, fifty pounds, maybe? I hope your parents whipped the crap out of you when you got home and got you to chopping wood or something. Lazy kids these days.

Now this next one is just full of racial stereotyping. You have this little black kid who's challenged to dribble a basketball fifteen times for five bills. Oh yeah? A basketball? Maybe that kid likes other sports, like tennis or hockey. Why a basketball, Mr. Man? Oh, and he says it's obvious the kid needs the money. That his family needs the money. Well why is that? He's got to be poor, does he? Well, we'll see who's poor when he goes all Harlem Globetrotter on you.


HAHAHA, now that's legitimately funny. Get the kid all the way up to fourteen and then kick the ball away. That's what I expect from a top heel. Now, scoot on back to the ghetto from whence you came, young'un.

Next is a woman who's asked to bark like a dog for money. You know what, he was right to not pay her. That was a terrible job.

Well, finally he's sitting down to eat. This is what I wanted to see. Just what does one eat with a million dollars? Not turkey?? Booooo, how is this Thanksgiving? He eats squab.

Anyone who gets this reference has my undying respect.

His last act is kicking kids out of the pool. Somehow, I think this was set up. I can't quite figure out why, but something about that reverse angle from inside the pool manager's booth is fishy. Anyway, Virgil helps the guy out and gets the kid out. Some might again think this is staged, seeing as how all the kids file out in a disciplined manner. Honestly though, are you going to argue with this guy?

Lifeguard on duty

At the end, we see Ted DiBiase driving around in an expensive car. You know how I know it's expensive? Because he can record his lines while driving with the top down and there's not a hint of wind or road noise. Now THAT'S impressive, sir!

Tough way to make a buck

(Note: This is our 50th post! They grow up so fast, don't they?)

While LOL, Wresslin' prides itself in being a refuge from the harsh realities of life, sometimes even the Laugh Twins can't completely divest themselves from actual news. We're gentlemen, sure, but we're also working gentlemen, and we've found lately that it's getting harder and harder to grind out a profit and keep up our gentlemanly exploits. So too, we figure, it is for those once-warriors of the squared circle that make their rounds on the meet-and-greet circuit.

However, after some scant research, it would not seem to be the case. We told you recently about Ric Flair's appearance in New York; the upper end tickets, which included autograph, photo and Q&A session, were going for $80. This Roddy Piper event is from last year we believe, and $25 gets you a photo and autograph (though, we're not sure we'd pay to hear about Piper's life on the streets; we've seen They Live). Another $25 will get you into a wrestling clinic with Koko B. Ware in Hasbrouck Heights, NJ. You have to buy the tickets at a Quiznos though, so bring your appetite as well. We're serious.

Is your wallet feeling a little light? Well, it's not over. Save up for next August, because Charlotte will be the home of a three-day NWA Legends Fanfest, with a dinner banquet and Hall of Heroes ceremony. That'll set you back two bills for a VIP ticket. Still have cash? Throw down another $35 for the Super Mega Fest (named by a 9-year-old) in Framingham, MA. There you'll rub elbows (or other things) with the likes of George Steel, Bruno Sammartino, Sonny, Jimmy Hart, Jackie Gayda-Haas (alright dude, seriously. We already gave you the Seal of Awesomeness. You can stop now.), and Dawn Marie.

We've also heard that if you even run into Virgil on the street, it'll cost you a Lincoln to get a photo (that's five bucks, not a penny).

So it seems that the appearance business is going rather well, even in a tough economy. But what about the WWE itself. Well, if you believe them, they're pretty much recession-proof, because if there's one thing that people always need is their rasslin'. And internet porn, but we're a classy joint here.

Let's check out Tazz's Tale of the Tape here...or did he have the Keys to the Match? Doesn't matter.

Using the finest research tools at our disposal, we checked out WWE's performance in the stock market. Let's take a look...

Well, perhaps they're right. They certainly seem to be chugging right along with no problems whatsoev--wait a minute. What's that?

Oooohhh, so sorry (cue The Price is Right horn). Now, we'll fully admit that we're not financial experts, but it seems that WWE isn't that bullet-proof after all. Now, as for internet porn? Surprisingly enough, Yahoo! doesn't have a stock ticker for them. Apparently it's not a publicly traded company. But here's what we think it looks like...