Mixed Martial Tarts

Life after professional wrestling can be hard. The Wrestler taught us that. It also taught us that Marisa Tomei makes a more than acceptable stripper, and Jersey is one shithole after another. But making the transition from the WWE to other forms of income can be hard.

Imagine our surprise when we came across this tidbit on former WWE Diva Victoria's blog (also imagine our surprise that we were reading Victoria's blog) - she's considering making a run in MMA fighting.

Now, we know you have a couple questions. Tough ones, like "Who cares?" Well, we can't answer that. But what if you're asking, "How's that going to work?" We can help you there.

It's certainly not unheard of. Brock Lesnar is the current UFC Heavyweight Champion. So that's a good start! And you have the man partly responsible for Vince getting his head shaved, Bobby Lashley, who left the WWE for MMA and won his first fight apparently. Good for him!


In her own words:

I have really increased my jiu-jitsu training...I have also been contacted by several agents, a couple of whom represent current and former UFC Champions...I think they think I can fill seats.

Yeah, YOUR seat

Good for her, though. We hope it works out. And if it does, who might she be facing?

We're predictable. We know.

Allow LOL, Wresslin' to say "Good luck, Victoria!" Go punch a female or two, just for us!

In related news (related only because we came across this story today as well), PWTorch.com is hosting an article with the headline "Hart family wrestler producing documentary on up-and-down career." Now, who might that be?

Down, mostly.

Actually it's Teddy Hart. Can't wait for that one in theaters!

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? THE ADAM IS BACK!

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

100 POSTS!!! SUCK IT RAW!!

I can't express how happy I am to devote my Friday nights to the superior brand in sports entertainment, Friday Night Smackdown! I'm sorry for leaving you baby, please take me back.

The most regal of all events is fast approaching, so the Knights of the Table Smack are gearing up! And why wouldn't they? The winner of the Royal Rumble main events the grand daddy of them all, Wrestlemania! Although luck is certainly a major component in winning, it can not be overstated how much talent and determination factor into winning. That's why HHH is Smackdown's best option to win the Rumble. And nothing, and I mean nothing, is going to get in his way.

Except for GM Vickie Guerrero.

Remember that little tiff about some nude photos HHH found on eBay? Me neither. It was two weeks ago! Well Ms. Guerrero didn't, and she's out to make HHH pay! And not in monetary ways like you do on eBay, but in a convoluted wrestling way. Yes, HHH's Royal Rumble slot is on the line as MVP must take on the Big Show in a last man standing match. MVP loses (as he's prone to do) and The 3H Club is out of the Double R!



One wrestler who will not be at the Royal Rumble is Victoria. She had her very last match ever last Friday. Victoria is the last hold over of the glory days of women's wrestling, so let's pay our respects and cheer her on for her last match. Who's her opponent?

OMG!!! Michelle McC(.)(.)l!!!!

Crap. Sorry Victoria, but you drew the short straw.

How can I get a seat at this buffet tray?

Engrish and LOL's, plus a well known internet meme? God I'm clever.

Anyway, back to HHH's problem. As we all know, MVP has been on a bit of losing streak for the last five months or so. Maybe he shouldn't have burned those lower case T's in front of random houses. So it's all but assured that the 500 pound Big Show will destroy him in a last man standing match. Right? Right?

Hey kids, see if you can find the hidden pun in this LOL.

Well not if HHH has anything to say about it. It's a last man standing match. There are no rules! Nice way to exploit that loop hole, Hunter. This must be why they call you "The Cerebral Assassin!"

Hey Paul Wight! You're a nasty bastard and your mama said so!

Finally, we need to hype up our title match at the Royal Rumble. Jeff Hardy was slated to be a guest on the hit talk show segment, The Cutting Edge, hosted none other then his opponent at the Rumble, Edge! True, he's had a few "incidents" lately, but he's safely in the arena! Nothing will go wrong.

Goldberg. Goldberg. Goldberg.

Goldberg?

OOOO...that's gotta hurt! But you know what hurts the most? That gray camo shirt Hurricane Helms is wearing! It hurts my eyes and taste (wocka wocka!) Seriously dude, you're pushing it.

Last show before the Rumble! Tune in tonight, 8/7c on MyNetwork TV!

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? vol. 6

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

Something peculiar happened last Friday. Smackdown wasn't its normal fun self. No. It seemed like this shit got real!!! Namely in the form of the enigma himself, Jeff Hardy!

Team BFF (Hardy and HHH) reunited to take on The Miz and John Morrison. I don't think we've ever talked about John Morrison here before. Well, for the uninformed, he has the gimmick of being a Jim Morrison rip off and he speaks very hammy. He's so hammy that that has to be his gimmick, which makes him kind of awesome. Too bad the rest of him isn't that awesome, dreamboat that he is. Seriously, look at him:

Silver glitter on his abs? Seriously? That's too gay even for us.

Well, this match was a bit of retribution as both he and the Miz lost to HHH and Shawn Michaels on Raw, so they decided to come over to Smackdown and get revenge on HHH. However, it was not to be, since Jeff Hardy really never tagged out. Seriously. He wanted to somehow prove he was worthy of a title shot by being all gutsy and never quitting, like Rudy. Unfortunately, that didn't work, so HHH eventually came into the match. Jeff was so distraught about this that he decided to swing chairs and get himself DQ'd. Way to impress the match dealer there, Trainspot.

That's why they call me "Pun Dawg"

Smackdown celebrated Obama's win by giving us a match for the US Title! Shelton Benjamin and R-Truth continued their long, storied, two month feud, and then swiftly ended it by having Shelton win clean in the center of the ring. A'INT NO STOPPIN' HIM NOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!

"Mmmmm...rump roast."

Apparently MVP is a Holocaust denier or something, because there is little explanation for why he is being jobbed so frequently. Sure, they say it's because he has a clause in his contract where he must win X number of matches to hit a bonus, but we know the truth. MVP shamefully does not believe the worst atrocity in human history.



This week he lost to The Great Khali, who is now a good guy because he kisses ugly/old/fat women in the middle of the ring. So in addition to not being able to use a telephone, he's also blind. Perhaps it's time we got him a handicapped plate for his car?

And my self esteem....

In Diva action, Victoria (not a lady to mess with) took on some cute girl in pink named Brie Bella. Victoria, being the good sport she is, let Brie win the match, 1-2-3 in the center of the ring. For some reason after the match Ms. Bella crawled underneath the ring. Luckily for Victoria, Jim Neidhart's daughter had her back. She grabbed Brie's legs as Victoria grabbed her arms. But wait...that's rather far apart. At least 7 feet or so. WHAT!!!?? THERE'S TWO!?!?!?! TWINS!?!?!? YES!!! FUCK YES!!! THAT'S THE RADDEST SHIT I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!!!111holdshiftoneoneoneBBQ!!1!





Finally, as promised last week, Vladimir Kozlov would get a title shot at Survivor Series if he could only beat The Undertaker. The Deadman seemed to have the Moscow Mauler on the ropes, all but setting up Soda Popinski for his first loss. But then crazy old Jeff Hardy decided to show why he's worthy of a title shot by interfering in the match and swinging a chair at both Kozlov and the Undertaker. Now, we've established that this is usually a smart move. Senselessly attacking other wrestler is a great way to make a name for yourself, but not when the man you hit first needs that win to become the #1 Contender, silly! That's what happened! Kozlov wins via DQ and now we have our Survivor Series main event. Jeff then ran backstage, and told GM Vickie Guerrero that if he takes on the Undertaker next week, he should be deserving of a title shot. Ok buddy, now I know you're high.

This can only end poorly.

Taker vs Hardy, MVP loses, and Kozlov mic skills! Tonight! 8/7c MyNetwork TV!