Something different

It's Tuesday and things are a little slow. Sure, Umaga was released, boosting the hopes of anyone wishing for a Kennedy/Umaga (or whatever there names will be) TNA PPV headline. But really, other then making a fat joke or twelve, what could we say about it? Umaga clearly must have done something to piss off Vince, since he was kinda sorta in the middle of a push. But, who cares about all that. If it gets interesting we'll let you know.

No, let's continue our promise to look at other brands. Namely, the Tuesday show that no one cares about, ECW. Let's look at their roster and evaluate if this little show on SyFy is worthy of our attention. We mean, it's summer. What else are we going to do?

Christian: Adam's favorite wrestler has been the top face on ECW since he came back to WWE in February. He continues to be a solid worker, hilarious on the stick, and get over with the crowd despite the mountain of turd that's always thrust on him. Let's hope he continues to increase his overall profile on Tuesday's and eventually gets a shot on Monday/Friday for a top tier title.

DJ Gabriel: Who?

Evan Bourne: Aw schucks, gee whiz, high flyer. Amazing to see work, just needs that little thing to make us watch.

Ezekial Jackson: You know (tm) what you call this guy? Sir.

Finlay: It's pretty sad to say that he's lost without his midget.

Gregory Helms: Former Seal of Awesomness winner has thankfully stopped having long hair with stupid back tat and has just become a backstage interviewer where he's allowed to be hilarious. Here's hoping Vince goes (more) insane, fires Michael Cole, promotes Jim Ross back to Raw, promotes Matt Striker to Smackdown to be Todd Grisham's color man, and promotes Gregory Helms to color man on ECW. It could be worse, right?


Jack Swagger- Good in ring worker who talks like a gay dude. We're not sure if this is a positive for his career.

Paul and Katie Lea Birchill- Kafaybe brother and sister we're originally going to have a slow build towards and incest angle before Linda McMahon's education board election put the kibosh on that one. Of course, this would not be the worst angle ever.



Mark Henry and Tony Atlas- Best music in the business (seriously, how did we omit this? Must be racism.) Also, Tony Atlas wears a cut off shirt with a tie to the ring.

Seriously.

Matt Striker- Well he's become our favorite wrestler lately..and he's not even a wrestler!

Tiffany- Currently dates the dude who played Carlton on Fresh Prince. She's alright, we guess.

Yea..you can call us. If it's cool with Carlton.

Tommy Dreamer- Savvy veteran of ECW. Recently won their title, which goes against everything about his gimmick ever. Still, a nice gesture to celebrate his contract extension by WWE. Seriously, they gave him 3-5 years. Hopefully he'll innovate some more violence for us.

The Hart Dynasty- Surprisingly effective stable. David Hart Smith is the British Bulldog's son, and as long as he doesn't become addicted to drugs and OD we'd say he's better then his dad. Natayla is surprisingly attractive and her boyfriend Tyson Kidd is the last man trained in the Hart Dungeon. A face turn and feud with Legacy could be big money, we think.

Vladmir Kozlov- Recently started doing a Red Army gimmick. That's only slightly less topical then let's say...Disco Inferno.


Zack Ryder- Woo woo we we. Yes, a Long Island guido. The perfect gimmick. We wish you best in all your future endeavors, Zack.

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Takin' it back

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

You may have noticed that we have discontinued with the volume numbers and replaced them with nonsensical titles. That's because the WWE is so punny with their recap names that we've decided to adopt them as our own. Hell, we already steal their photos, why not their words? Only a matter of time before we just tape all of Raw/Smackdown and throw it on Youtube.

And just to get it out of the way, this title is in reference to the Undertaker avenging his previous loss to Vladimir Kozlov. Nothing special happened. Not worth recapping.




In all honesty, last week's Smackdown has very little to do with tonight's. That's because tonight is the 500th episode of Smackdown! Tonight is more of a party, celebrating the past. So let's view this recap as more of a refresher course for Wrestlemania, which is now just over two weeks away!

We're going to open today with some of the very good. For the last two monthes or so, WWE Tag Team Champions Carlito and Primo have been feuding with World Tag Team Champions John Morrison and The Miz. We have yet to cover this on the blog because it always felt like it was building towards something good. A weekly "They're at it again!" post would be redundant. But seriously, they've been feuding over who are better champions, who are cooler, and who gets to date the glamorous Bella twins. Around Valentine's Day Miz/Morrison won a tag match which allowed them to go on a date with the Bellas (since the lovely ladies are objects to be fought over.) Lucky for us, WWE cameras documented the whole thing.



You'd figure after being jealous fakes who throw pies the Bellas would dump the Colons (pronounced phonetically by Miz and Morrison), but no, their Latin charms are too much to be overpowered. This was never more evident then when the twins accompanied the brothers ringside for their title defense against Miz and Morrison. And get this; they won that time!

Which brings us to the next match. It's Miz and Morrison's turn to defend their World Tag titles (thankfully, Slammy's can't be lost in the ring). Look at all this gold they carry:

So much gold that they take golden showers together

Of course, the Colons counter by bringing some fine tail ring side.

They could almost be called "The Bruce Campbell Twins"

Now, WWE.com has a nasty habit of not showing relevant pictures in their photo sections. Miz and Morrison successfully defended their belts, but there's not one photo of them on the offensive. So just know that they won and look at this (for it is worth 1,000 words).

WWE: 1 Feminsm: 0

Continuing the Smackdown booty parade is a Divas tag match! And it made no sense. First we have team Maryse/Michelle McCool, which makes sense since they are heels. And fighting against them is Raw's Women's Champion Melina and....Maria? Listen, right now they are sort of teasing a Raw/Smackdown feud all around. So although Maria is a face...she's a face on Smackdown! Family over friends, M. You know better then this! And Michelle McCool agrees with me (finally!)

Hold number 712: Armbar

Of course, if there's one thing Ms. McCool hates more then Benedict Arnolds it would be losers, which Maryse totally is. That's why she didn't help that buxom blond bimbo break her bad bosotion bon ber back. So Melina gets the win and McCool gets some revenge.

And what a ravishing one she is

Seems like someone lost her McCool

Also, the Money in the Bank ladder match is all set for Wrestlemania. We had our last qualifying match as Irish brawler Finlay took on high flyer The Brian Kendrick! But is he the only high flyer in this match?



Yes he is. Which is the real shame here. Because who would be better in a ladder match? The guy who did this (sorry for the Papa Roach song)

OR

Finally, Matt Hardy came out again to complain about his brother. Why he needs to do this in public I have no idea, but here he is with a mic in his fist.

"I let my shirt do the talkin' for me..."

He basically admitted to being responsible for all the assaults and tragedies on Jeff's life recently (I guess Matt is North Carolinian for "Heroin").



Rather then be arrested and processed by the police, Jeff Hardy comes out and attacks his big bro, agreeing to settle the score at Wrestlemania. Because giving the person who ruined your life his dream of having a high profile match at the biggest event in his craft is what I would totally do in that situation too.

So that happened.

Will any of this be brought up again tonight? Possibly! I don't know! Regardless, it's a party! 500 weeks in the making! So don't watch the Battlestar Galactica finale and watch Smackdown! 8/7c, MyNetwork Television!

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? vol. 22

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

Exciting times here on Friday nights, as it seems that Smackdown holds all the power in the WWE. First, we got two champions! But even more importantly, Vickie Guerrero is now also the interim general manager for that other show, as she's heading up Raw while Stephanie McMahon does whatever it is that she does. What's all this mean? Simple. The brand extension is over! And Smackdown won! Let's all bask in the soothing blue light and have a little fun tonight!

Like our main event! John Cena from "Raw" is taking on Smackdown's Big Show! More on that later though!

No, rather let's look ahead to Wrestlemania. As per usual, everyone not involved in the title picture or the Money in the Bank match wants to take on the Undertaker. God knows why, but somehow, if someone can someway beat him, they will live forever in Wrestlemania immortality (is that why no one remembers Nathan Jones?). Vying for the shot at the Undertaker is "Raw"'s Shawn Michaels, and Smackdown's Moscow Mauler, Vladimir Kozlov! To prove his worth, Kozlov isn't waiting for Wrestlemania though! Nope, he took on the Undertaker tonight (last week)!





And get this: He won! Clean! Look!







Vlad is one step closer to making Wrestlemania history! All he needs to do is get past that pesky Heart Break Kid.

Additionally, as teased last week, Matt and Jeff Hardy were finally going to settle their blood feud!

OR WERE THEY!?!?!?!



Yea...so that happened.

And in our main event, John Cena played the away game and took on the 500 lbs. Big Show. Big Show showed a little agility as John Cena dusted off his shoulders.





Things were going Mr. Cena's way when Edge ran into the ring, but didn't do anything. The distraction led to a KO punch in the face of Cena by Show!



And then a chokeslam for the clean 1 2 3!





Absolute power corrupts absolutely! Watch tonight as the line gets blurred even more! 8/7c, My Network TV!

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? vol. 21

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

Perhaps I was a little hasty to proclaim that the WWE hates Smackdown fans last week. Truth is, the show's kind of engaging. Especially since Wrestlemania is on the horizon! So let's go over the positives right now.

1) Two champions.

As stated in previous recaps, Edge lost his WWE title at No Way Out. HHH won it. So he's the current champ. But then, Edge, being the ultimate opportunist, finagled his way into the World title match, and won! Thereby Smackdown has all the big gold, and everyone on raw is chasing CM Punk.


2) Michelle McCool and Maryse are fine pieces.

Gentlemen, set your boners on cum.

3) The Undertaker.

There's no denying that the Deadman is one of the more engaging personalities to grace a WWE ring. He's a first ballot hall of famer and his undefeated streak at Wrestlemania is unparalleled. So naturally, when Mania comes around the Phenom get's even more attention as numerous wrestlers try in vain to be his one Wrestlemania blemish. Which brings us to his possible opponent.

Hate to spoil Matt's Raw recap, but Shawn Michaels and JBL are having a little skirmish to see who get's the honor of losing to 'Taker in Houston this year. I think both men have a fantastic shot of giving us a great match and I can't wait to see this inter-brand clash of ti-



Again? What?

We're still working on perfecting this....

I see. In other news, MVP has a winning streak! I know! He just recently had a losing streak! What a turn of events! He was set for an all ethnic tag match as he teamed with R-Truth to take on Chavo Guerrero and Shelton Benjamin! But, there's been a development! Chavo and Shelton attacked R-Truth during his ring entrance, so rather then disqualify the two of them for committing assault, the ref let's it continue as a handicap match! Why don't more teams do this? Still, against tremendous odds (2-1 to be exact), MVP somehow pulled off the upset.

That's where the proof is.

I don't know why Matt didn't mention this, but Raw last week didn't end with Shane McMahon being carted off on a stretcher. No, it ended with Randy Orton booting Stephanie McMahon in the head. For some reason Jim Ross interviewed HHH about this. I mean, I know he and Stephanie were married for a few years back in the early 2000's, but they got a divorce! And he embarrasses her every chance he gets. Don't get me wrong, I love cheering HHH (at least this week LOL), but even I can't condone him making fun of Stephanie after getting kicked by that one eyed snake, Orton!



Wha??? Huh? Vince McMahon is his fa-fa-father in law??? Stephanie is the mother of his children? HHH and Stephanie are married? I'm so confused!

Finally, Jeff Hardy interrupted Edge's title celebration to complain about how he was given a rematch in the elimination chamber. Not exactly fair ("I was locked in Guerrero's Elimination Chamber" were his exact words I believe). And by complain Jeff meant "I'll make fun of your wife and hit you with a Twist of Fate." On Earth-53 this solves all problems as Jeff took on Edge this night, albeit non-title. Still, take a look at what he did to the champ with a few drums of gas and a couple of bullets.



He was just about to put the match away when his evil brother Matt interfered!

Not pictured: Jeff Hardy (because I inadvertently cropped him out.)

That's tonight! OMG! TUNE IN! TUNE IN! MyNetwork TV 8/7c!