Black Lesnar

We don't talk much about the world outside of wrestling around here. We are, after all, the wrestling comedy blog of record, so it makes sense that we might be a little provincial. But there's life outside wrestling.

Like MMA! Of course, we've been a little hard on them in the past. However, from time to time, a news item comes across our LOL desk that makes us take notice of WWE's harder-hitting cousin. Plus, it helps when it concerns a former professional wrestler. You can't expect us to go too far out of comfort zone.

In this case, Brock Lesnar gave an interview to the magazine Maxim, where he talked about a number of topics, such as his career in the WWE, his upcoming fight with Frank Mir, and steroids. It's this last issue that we'd like to focus on here.

Lesnar says that he's taken drug tests all through his professional career, and he's upset by the question of whether he's ever used steroids. It prompts this sort of response:

God gave me this body: Are you jealous of it or what? Give me a break. I got the genetics of—not to get into racism or anything—but I’m built like a black man.

Read that again. "I'm built like a black man." Lesser bloggers may talk about the racist tones of that statement, but we think that's ridiculous. Seriously, he says that he doesn't want to "get into racism or anything," so that point is clearly moot. We, however, are merely curious if it's true.

Here's a picture of Brock Lesnar:


In examining if his body is that of a black man, we'd like to compare three aspects of his physique - the legs, the trapezius muscles, and the arms. So we searched to see if there were, in fact, black men who were built comparably to Mr. Lesnar. Here's what we found.

Let's start with the legs:


That's Canadian Olympic sprinter Ben Johnson. There's quite obviously some similarities. You can clearly see the outline of the quadriceps, and they are both quite larger. Actually, Lesnar's may even be larger, so in this case, his body is better than that of a black man.

Now, let's take a look at those traps, one of the most prominent features of Lesnar's build. For those who are unaware, the trapezius muscle runs from your back to your shoulder, then up to your neck. If you still don't understand, it's those huge triangles on either side of his head. For this one, we found eight-time Mr. Olympia, Ronnie Coleman.


Look at those things! That's insane! But no more insane than Brock's. We think he has a point on this one too. So far, Brock seems to be proving his side of things.

Now the arms. Sure, there are plenty of people with big arms to go around, but we thought where better to find some real guns than in the world of baseball? So we present to your our final example, MLB slugger Barry Bonds, who unfortunately doesn't have a large selection of photos with his arms exposed.

But this one just fits the site so well.

We think here you could say again that Lesnar just might have our research beat. So in all three cases, Brock is either built like, or better than, a black man. Perhaps it really does have nothing to do with steroids at all!

Oh wait. All of these guys have either tested postive, admitted to, or been accused under oath of taking steroids.

Whoops. Our bad.

Maybe we should ask Brock's wife Sable if he were perhaps talking about a different part of his anatomy.

HOOOO rly?

This blog has had take a shot or two at Hacksaw Jim Duggan, and with good reason. The man is borderline retarded. But he's a superstar from the good ol' days, and that carries a little cachet. So WWE.com wondered what he thought about today's superstars, and he was happy to oblige.

Hacksaw, of course, says his generation was tougher than today's batch of wrestlers.


Maybe he knows a thing or two. He was the first man to win the Royal Rumble, which is coming up this Sunday. He thinks today's wrestlers are more skilled than in his time, but we all know that's the same as saying that chick you're trying to hook your friend up with has a "nice personality." In Hacksaw's time, you didn't have these fancy moves and such. You got out there and let each other have it, and you were much better for it.

These may have helped.

Things were so hard back then, you had to carry a weapon to the ring. And not as a prop. You had to have something there in case someone got a little fresh you had to commit some good old-fashioned assault. Which is why Hacksaw carries a 2x4 with him to ring. He was told to bring something down there he could use if things got a little hairy. Consequently, he now has more than 30 "custom" pieces of wood at his house.

Google doesn't have a freaking clue what you mean when you search "custom 2x4." That is a nice table though...

Duggan says that in his current storyline, he's working with Cryme Tyme and not for them. It seems like WWE needs to lighten up and show black men in a more positive, leadership-type role, now that we're living in post-racial America. He also said that he's not very close with John Cena, but he's a nice guy. Well, thanks for telling us something we already know, Hack.

If only that were real

LOL, Wresslin' salutes: Dixie Carter

SEASON'S BEATINGS!

It's a rare occasion that someone in the wrestling business impresses us. Mostly because we're hopelessly cynical, but also because the wrestling business is full of snakes, and not the awesome kind.

Definitely not this kind

But every now and then, someone does something that catches our attention and makes us think, "This guy's got some balls." Whether it be something downright ridiculous or an act of sheer bravado, they show that even though they're probably still a weasel, they can be pretty awesome at the same time.

TNA president Dixie Carter is one of those people.

well, aside from the whole "having balls" thing

Ms. Carter took a trip up to Capitol Hill recently as part of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform's investigation into steroid abuse in professional wrestling. Judging by the picture, and seeing as how she's from Tennessee, we'd like to think her interview went something like this:

Ms. Carter enters the room with a plate full of fried chicken, okra, and homemade cookies, which she passes around the investigating panel. Her lawyers follow her in with jugs of sweet tea. She curtsies and says, in a dainty Southern lilt, "Now, what could busy and important men such as yourselves have to ask lil' ol' me about the rasslin' business? Surely I can't be of much use, but I would ask y'all to help yourselves to seconds. Wouldn't want you to blow away, now would I?"

The House of Representatives, however, has seen fit to provide a full transcript, single-handedly destroying what would have made a great episode of The Beverly Hillbillies. It doesn't prove that didn't bring some of grandma's famous poundcake, though.

During her testimony, she seemed very open in discussing all matters of the wrestling business. Allow us to provide some choice quotes from her time in Congress. The entire transcript, as well as an overview and other interviews with people such as Vince McMahon, can be found here.

Who purchases the TNA action figures?

"...it is more in the collectible side where guys keep the toys and they keep them in their boxes and then they increase in value and things such as that...Have you seen the 40-Year-Old Virgin with that man that has all the toys?"

How does hiring Pacman Jones fit in to a more family friendly image?

"Well, you know, in this country, I believe you're innocent until proven guilty. And the last I checked, you know, most all of his incidents, several of them have been cleared during his tenure with us and even some since then."

By the way, Ms. Carter, we're expecting a check for two uses of the phrase "you know" (tm), and the fine is doubled because it was used during House testimony.


What causes the problems with older wrestlers?

"...that's what [the guys over 40] feel like the real travesty is, this schedule...and then you combine it when their 15 minutes of fame is over, they weren't that famous to begin with, they didn't save any money, they are depressed as hell, and it is a sad existence."

Do the wrestlers feel like they have to use steroids to get the top spots?

"I have chubby, I have very chubby, I have downright fat guys that work for me, and they are accepted and they are pushed as hard as anybody else."

Are the wrestlers really taking these chair shots to the head?

"I mean, they know how to protect themselves....But I do notice a few dummies that just sit there and take it and then we have to tell them backstage you have to, you know, put your hands up."

CHA-CHING!

Do the wrestlers do more extreme things now that people know it's not real?

"They are not doing anything now that they didn't do before..and really what it is, it is no different for a movie. For a period of time, you sit there and you suspend disbelief. You suspend disbelief that Tom Cruise...really is this person in Mission Impossible. It is the same thing here."

We couldn't have said it better ourselves. But we have said it.

We encourage you to take the time (a LOT of time; it's over 100 pages) and read the whole interview. It's rather interesting. Because of that, we here at LOL, Wresslin' would like to salute Ms. Dixie Carter for her honesty and her ability to understand what drives the common wrestling fan.

Also, we'd both totally hit that

W.W.W. featuring Bobby "The Brain" Heenan/Gorilla Monsoon and Lance Storm

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your photo slideshow of Trish Stratus thong pics ain't gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - Lance Storm accused of steroid use

This is a first for W.W.W., and considering this is only the third week that the feature has existed, this doesn't bode well for the future. We like to include the video from which we drew our inspiration to write; that way you can follow along and laugh with us. Now, the first week required a little extra effort, but we managed to get the video posted like good bloggers do. This time, no such internet trickery or technical savvy can help us, since YouTube has deemed to remove the video due to "terms of use violation." Don't believe me? Ok.

Not wanting to disappoint our faithful reader, and too stubborn to make a last minute change and pick a different video, we will soldier on and post just as we would have had YouTube not torpedoed our creativity.

Pictured: steroids, talent

FADE IN

INT--DINGY GYM, SOMEWHERE IN PENNSYLVANIA

FANS cheer loudly, smoke permeates the hall, as if several fires were started and suddenly extinguished. The ring is empty, and a sense of anticipation is palpable. Suddenly, LANCE STORM charges through the curtain, not quite running, but moving as if pushed by a unseen force. Something drives LANCE to enter the ring. His face a chiseled vision of seriousness.


LANCE is followed closely by DAWN MARIE, a figure of feminine grace and masculine features. DAWN is carrying a velvet bag.



LANCE enters the ring and grabs a microphone, stamping around like an angry bull from one rope to the other. DAWN watches in awe; this is a terrifying yet impressive scene of passion and excellence. LANCE speaks into the mic, as if hacking up a hairball.

LANCE
Tommy Dreamer accused me of using steroids!!

FANS shrug in apathy.

LANCE
Just look at me...if I used steroids, don't you think my career would be going a little better than it is right now? I mean, come on. However, I know we live in a terribly cynical world, and none of you can take me at face value, since you've all probably lied so much in your lives that you don't think anyone is trustworthy!

LANCE gestures to DAWN to come closer. DAWN walks over and reaches her hand into the velvet bag.

LANCE
So for all of you and for Tommy in the back, I've decided to take a drug test here in the ring!

DAWN produces a plastic cup of urine! DAWN parades it around the ring, like a perverted car model.


(Author's note: Dawn, if your career involves you carrying excrement in a velvet bag, do something else.)

LANCE
And when I say, "In the ring," I mean I brought this from backstage, so there's no way to prove when I did it or if this is even mine!

A FAN whistles and asks for DAWN's phone number.

LANCE
So now, Tommy Dreamer, you come down here and prove that you're not on steroids. I have an empty cup here for you! So get down here now.

Tension is in the air, smelling of body odor masked with High Karate. Suddenly, the camera cuts to the ramp/emergency exit and TOMMY DREAMER comes down wearing an ECW/upcoming PPV/local sports team shirt. TOMMY enters the ring and immediately attacks LANCE. LANCE takes a bump, because that's all he knows to do. TOMMY then sets his sights on DAWN, not intelligent enough to clear the ring. He grabs her and pushes DAWN around. FANS cheer because they plan on doing the same thing to their old ladies when they get home.



TOMMY gains control of the urine and stands over LANCE's unconsious body. He rips the top off the cup! TOMMY drinks the urine!!



Huh? He doesn't? I thought that was his gimmick. Ok, then...



TOMMY pours the urine on LANCE!! FANS explode in raucous cheering!!

TOMMY
I guess that just proves it's far better to get pissed off than pissed on.

FADE OUT

There. I did the best I could. However, we decided that since we couldn't produce the actual video of this scene, we'd give you something equally compelling. Have fun!



Matt's video to Adam- Gorilla Monsoon Makes Fun Of Heenan's Neck Injury By Patera


Adam's response...

Rorschach’s Journal. October 22^nd 2008, 0:10 into video- Craig DuJour’s newscast leaves a bad taste in my mouth. He wears a blazer with a WWF logo on it. Snazzy dresser. However, he is pampered and decadent, betraying even his own shallow, liberal affectations. Possibly homosexual? Must remember to investigate further.

News footage of a civilized debate between old colleagues is shown. Ken Patera claims Bobby “The Brain” Heenan sold him out. That his two years in prison was Heenan’s fault. Heenan does not take kindly to this. Whips him with belt. Heh heh. Not very smart, Brain. Man in singlet seems to choke out Bobby.

Rorschach’s Journal, October 22^nd 2008, 1:20 into video- Days later. The Brain has a sprained neck. Claims it feels as if it is broken. This I would like to see. Claims man named Hercules will take care of Patera. Claims Hercules is the strongest man. How convenient. I leave the human cockroaches to discuss their heroin and child pornography. I have business elsewhere, with a better class of person.

Rorschach’s Journal, October 22^nd 2008, 1:55 into video- Gorilla Monsoon enters the picture. I have often thought that the most terrifying combination of words in the English language is “Gorilla Monsoon.”

Better lock yourself in the basement.

Him and Brain engage in more bickering. I am sensing a pattern with Mr. Heenan.

Rorschach’s Journal, October 22^nd 2008, 2:25 into video- Heenan moves neck, despite claims of sprain. He is not an honest man. His contrast with Gorilla has taught me much. There is good and there is evil, and evil must be punished. Even in the face of Armageddon I shall not compromise in this.

Where did this air and who would watch this? Why is a news show sponsored by a magazine under the same corporate umbrella? This is illegal in accordance with the Fairness Doctrine. Although I do not like the liberal restrictions on free market news broadcasting, law is law, and it must be upheld. These are all perplexing questions that demand answers. There will come a day where the accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout “Save us!” And I'll look down, and whisper “no.”

Hurm.