W.W.W. featuring Christian/John Cena and Muhammad Hassan

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays," the ORIGINAL wrestling-themed, YouTube video comedic co-commentary. Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your Tully Blanchard impression ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - Christian and John Cena rap battle






Matt's response...

Allow me to get real with you LOL Fans for a minute. You can blame me for the shoddy blogging this week. I wasn't able to do my weekly Raw recap and I'm the reason this post is showing up half a day late. What can I say? Real life happens, and Indian food just isn't worth the time spent away from everything else. Trust me. I will do everything I can get back in LOLing shape, because I know I'm depriving all three of you of some serious internet laughs.

That being said...RUCK FULES!

So this is when John Cena was the same guy he is now, but everyone liked him. Actually, I shouldn't say he's the same person - he did wear that chain. And the lock. Those are both very important.

It's on the cover of his DVD, for goodness sakes!

We're backstage before the Rumble, and we're treated to the obligatory "number drawing" routine. I hate this, let me just say. The paper clearly doesn't have anything on it. I wish it did. That would be interesting, having to adjust the match on the fly. However, this is just so scripted it hurts, and we're treated to one of two reactions from the wrestlers.

1. The fist pump and exaggerated "Yes!" Or,
2. The worried/serious/disappointed stare beyond the camera.

I don't know; maybe I'm that jaded fan know, but I think we all know the order is determined ahead of time. Just make a show of that to begin with. Have GM's screw superstars by giving them low numbers. Have matches not just for number 30, but also 25 or 26. They haven't done this bit lately, and hopefully it stays that way.

Now, as for the "rap battle"? Christian's was obviously supposed to be bad, and it was, so in that way, it was a success. I'll also tell you what made me Laugh Out Loud - "Tomko...give me a beat." That should never be said again.

As for John Cena's rap....well, I'm a little disappointed. You know (tm), he's supposed to be this amazing rapper, at least in the WWE Universe. He's supposed to be able to use his mind and extensive vocabulary to lay some sick burns on all his competitors, gaining that important mental advantage for his match. Let me give you some examples of his "sick burns." These are all within about 20 seconds of rapping:

• Christian shares a bed with Tomko
• Christian "goes down"
• Christian also plays with balls

Ouch. This hurts, because we all know being gay is really, really gross. Double that if your partner is Tyson Tomko.

Seriously, though, that was a battle? Sure Cena rhymed, but he couldn't get his mind off Christian's main peep, and that's just lack of creativity, my friend. At least now he has to keep it clean for the kiddos, but that barely constituted anything worse that what we wrote in the boy's restroom in fifth grade.

Ok, ok - what people wrote about me in the boy's restroom. Damn you Mom for dressing me in a matching blue sweatsuit!


Matt's video to Adam- Hassan Attacks The Undertaker






Adam's response...

I'll always have a special place in my heart for Muhammad Hassan. And not in an ironic "He's like Glacier, thus stupid" way. I really wanted that character to take off. Seriously.

Allow me to explain.

Both Matt and myself had a professor at college by the name of Ranjan Chhibber. He taught film and cultural studies. He also loved wrestling and comic books. It's not hard to see why we loved him. Anyway, Ranjan was not well liked by the college (I believe his last words were "F Women's Studies!") and eventually quit. And what job did he line up next? A WRITER FOR WORLD WRESTLING ENTERTAINMENT!

Ranjan accomplished two things while working for Vince: becoming friends with Paul Heyman and creating Muhammad Hassan.

Now please, give Ranjan some credit. When Muhammad Hassan debuted he was actually a fairly deep character by wrestling standards. In fact, he was perfectly reasonable. A Muslim-American who is upset about the way he's been perceived in post-9/11 America. I think that's kinda cool. If they decided to make him a face or a tweener it probably could have gotten a lot of great publicity for the company.

And you know (tm) what? He had some very valid points. If you got the time, watch this video of Hassan in "Stone Cold's Court."






How does THE BIGGEST FACE IN THE HISTORY OF THE COMPANY greet his guests? "I see sand people." Wow. Hassan then extends his hand, even after such bigotry, to be polite and how does THE MOST LUCRATIVE STAR IN THE HISTORY OF THE COMPANY respond? "I'm not going to shake your dirty hand because I don't like." Austin has never met Hassan before, so he is pre-judging him based on assumptions he already had. Disgusting.

Ranjan eventually got burned out, as many do, working for the McMahons and quit WWE. Alas, Muhammad Hassan was still there. Time now to turn him into a full on terrorist! Because he's brown!

Of course, the above video aired on broadcast television (well, UPN), on the same day terrorists bombed London, effectivly forcing WWE to bury Hassan and cut him loose.

OH BABY, I like it Raw! Survivor Series

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Ah yes, the annual test of survival that is "Survivor Series" was last night. Before getting to the results of the evening, allow to make one quick note about last week's Raw. It was hosted by Rowdy Roddy Piper, which despite a couple flubs (of note would be Roddy claiming he'd been in "thousands of car wrecks"), Piper was his old, true self. Good stuff and I enjoyed it thoroughly.

Now, on to the goods.

This pay-per-view featured several of the tradional Survivor Series matches, one of those being Team Miz versus Team Morrison. Look guys, I thought we settled all this at "Bragging Rights." There's no need to drag eight other guys into your petty battle over who's more "Jannetty-ish." Morrison, you look like a douche. And Miz, you are one, so that should be that.


Team Miz consisted of Miz, Drew McIntyre, Jack Swagger, Sheamus and Dolph Ziggler. Team Morrison had John Morrison, Matt Hardy, Finlay, Evan Bourne and Shelton Benjamin. Of course, with those guys in the ring, the action would be fast and furious...

Alright Shelton, go ahead and beat your chest once.

And downright dirty at times...

Fellas, in this scene, I want you to give your most dastardly faces.

Of course, things wouldn't be great without some a little civil war.


Team Miz would end up gaining a 3-to-1 advantage, with just John Morrison on the other side of the ring, prompting the Friday Night Delight to pull out some unusual offense.


But Sheamus would be the star of the night, using some old tricks and bringing down the Ab Roller spokesman for the 1-2-3.

The Celtic Cross!

A-Miz-ingly, the Miz was able to put together a winning team with some Smackdown members. I may not like the guy, but that's certainly a testament to his leadership abilities.

Then we had another Suvivor Series match between Team Fakin' Jamaican and Team Hogzilla. Team Kofi would boast the likes of Kingston, MVP, Mark Henry, R-Truth and Christian. If you're thinking this team has little in common, you're wrong: they're all Canadian.

On the other end, it was Randy, C.M. Punk, Ted DiBiase Jr., William Regal and Cody Rhodes.

Look at that Smackdown guy disturbing the peace, as usual...

If you're wondering how the young members of Legacy held up in this contest, this is somewhat telling: Christian eliminated them both.

Cody Rhodes falling victim to the dreaded "Hole Hold."

Eventually, things were whittled down to Kofi versus two former heavyweight champions, C.M. Punk and Randy Orton. Punk would take his shot first.

Perhaps the Straight Edge Superstar should find a straight razor.

Kingston handled that mess easily. It was then on to the Viper, which again, Kofi would manhandle.

And there's so much man to handle.

Team Kofi wins, via the rule of "One heel team and one face team must win."

Finally, it was time for DX versus John Cena for the WWE Championship. Now, in the previous weeks, Trips and HBK have promised a unified front against John Cena, and during the introductions, they delivered on that promise. But at some point, someone's gotta beat somebody, and Shawn said, "Screw it. May as well be me."

Seems like people would stop picking Michaels as a partner.

That was just moments into the match. However, you should know by now, Triple H isn't going to sit out a title match, and sprung back into action, proving that old adage "revenge is a dish best served on an announce table."


Mr. Cena was able to survive the two veterans and managed to perform a move only small children dared to dream - the Attitude Adjustment on top of another person.

Pay attention, son. This is wrestling history you're seeing here today.

Needless to say, Mr. Cena had his choice on who to pin, and he picked Triple H, because why not? So, to the surprise of some young kids who were too stupid to know better, Cena remains your WWE Champion.

Tune in tonight for a special three-hour Raw, hosted by former governor Jesse Ventura! Political discussion to abound! 8/7c on USA!

The Stars Shine Bright

A while back we wrote about Kurt Angle's many upcoming film roles. This article may have had a bit of "Can you believe it?" sort of tone. We apologize for that. The truth is, wrestler's are natural film actors. And it's not just the big ones. Now, we all know the stories of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, John Cena, Hulk Hogan, and Macho Man Randy Savage's feature role in Spider-Man. But what about the many wrestlers who work on the independent scene? No, not wrestling for thirty people in high school gyms, but the independent film scene. Thus, we present to you a profile of some of wrestling's greatest film roles from some of its most notable grunts!

Edge in Highlander: End Game (2000)

Edge was fresh into his initial run of tag team dominance with his partner/brother Christian when he took the role of "Road Bandit" in this action/sci-fi epic that continued the Highlander series. Yes, Highlander. "There can be only one" Highlander. This was the fourth film in the series and was effectively the last until the Sci-Fi (SyFy?) channel resurrected it seven years later for a "made for TV" trilogy. So far there has only been one part made. Still, we think it's safe to assume that this opened the door for the WWE to eventually produce ECW on Sci-Fi (SyFy?). The jury is still out if this was a good thing though.

Christian in Shoot 'Em Up (2007)

Edge's brother successfully auditioned and won a role in this Clive Owen gun porn vehicle. He played "Secret Service Agent #2", a stoic man who took his job seriously and spoke no words. The Captain of Charisma led this film to a $27 million box office.

Kimberly Page in The 40 Year Old Virgin (2004)

Comedy juggernaut Judd Apatow's rise to Hollywood prominence required a little help from Diamond Dallas Page's ex-wife. And that help let us all see her beautiful b-b-b-boobies.

Two Hogs Up! (yes, that's the best screen cap we could do)

Kevin Nash in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (1993) and The Punisher (2004)

Big Sexy was "Too Sweeeeeeeeeeettttt" as "The Russian" in the Thomas Jane gun porn vehicle (he also played the strong, silent type), but his breakout role was in the international sensation that was the Turtles sequel. True, Vanilla Ice's "Ninja Rap" may have stole the film, but this movie would be nothing without its climatic final battle. Turtles vs. Super Shredder.

That's right. Super Shredder.

"I'm like Shredder, only a little more...super"

You thought one Shredder was bad? Well how about a Shredder that has been infected by mutagen? Yes, rather then die of radiation poisoning, the Shredder just added a lot of mass instantly.

Kind of like that

Well, in the real world you have to cast a big dude. Two words describe Kevin Nash. They are "Big" and "Dude." So yes, he played another strong, silent type and has an epic death scene.

Rob Van Dam, Batista, and Big Daddy V in Wrong Side Town (2010)

Ok, so there's really no info on this one. But there's a porn star in it! And look at this photo!

Above: Bad Dudes

Wow, we don't know about you, but we're popping already! Popcorn that is!

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Whiplash

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

Wrestlemania! A draft! Backlash? There's way too much going on lately! Case in point, so much went on last Sunday that Matt didn't know what to cover and what not to cover, so basically, I'm picking up the rest of his slack.

To open up, new Smackdown star Chris Jericho has continued his crusade against the elderly. He took on Ricky Steamboat in a one on one match.



Yes, clearly this will be a competitive match, because it's not like Jericho didn't beat Steamboat, Jimmy Snuka, Roddy Piper, and then beat the holy hell out of Ric Flair ALL IN THE SAME NIGHT! Yup, ole Ricky has a great shot against a man in the prime of his career. Yessir.

Hold #489: Armbar

Wow, that looks like it hurts. Still, none of that really ever matters since the old man eventually fell and couldn't get up. The Walls of Jericho were dutifully applied.

Above: Crappier band then Fozzy

Er....

Above: Crappier finisher then Mr. Socko

"You can't lock me in my room like I'm some sort of Manimal, Dad! My name's Doug. I'm outta heeeerrrrree"

In other matches, Mr. Money in the Bank, CM Punk took on Kane for no discernible reason.


B-b-b-ut Kane is so much bigger then Punk! Punk doesn't stand a chance, despite being a former triple crown winner and an ECW champion!


Yea, that's pretty much how it went. For some reason, a man being poised as the next #1 contender is pinned by all-around good egg Kane. Sort of ironic that his theme music says "Even through the darkest days/this fire burns/always." Get it? Fire? Kane? Wocka wocka!


Finally, a world title bout. John Cena (yay!) of Raw (boo!) is defending against Edge (boo!) of Smackdown (yay!) in what is known as a Last Man Standing match. Essentially, no rules, with the winner decided by knocking his opponent out. Why someone doesn't bring a gun (or hire Cryme Tyme) is beyond me, but I guess even the most dastardly of heels is sort of honorable.

"you dead dawg"

Anyway, this was the back and forth contest that we'd expect, with both Edge and Cena throwing out exciting offense like a sleeper hold and a "You Can't See Me"

Above: Excitement

Also, I'm running the next picture because WWE.com are very dumb with their picture captions.

We can clearly see his face. That means the steel is not hitting it.

Eventually the match went outside the ring and John Cena gave an F-...er Attitude Adjuster (?) to Edge INTO THE MONDAY-TO-FRIDAY CROWD!


Still, Cena's finisher may be strong enough to get a 3 count, but definitely not strong enough for a 10 count. And since they were outside already, why not fight on the ramp?

Cena: "I can think of one"

All was fine and good with chairs being thrown around and Edge frothing at the mouth, when all of a sudden, Edge's wife's love, The Big Show, came out for no discernible reason and threw John Cena into a light fixture.

Kind of like the last scene of The Dark Knight but not

And then it exploded, like so many Vince McMahon accidents before hand! John Cena must be dead!

The burns alone should make him act like Kane for the rest of his career.

Obviously Edge won the match because of Mr. Cena's demise, but seriously, why would Big Show help Edge? They are vying over the same woman, sure, but let's speak strictly career here. Edge is on Smackdown, Cena (the champ at the time) is on Raw, in addition to WWE champion HHH. The Big Show was just drafted to Raw too. Wouldn't you want to be on the brand with TWO world titles? Wouldn't that exponentially benefit your career? Even if you hate John Cena, it make sense to steer clear this time.

Oh well, WRESSLIN'!

Also, I usually like to close with a shot of the champ, and I'm going to do that now. Because Christian won the ECW title!

Instantly Classic

Yea boy, brothers E&C have all the gold again! Err...in Chrisitan's case I guess it's more like 46 lbs of silver, but you know what I mean. ECW doesn't deserve gold anyways.

Come see all the fun that's happening in Madison Square Garden. The world's most famous arena! 8/7 c, MyNetwork TV!

The Granddaddy of them all! Twice as nice

Wrestlemania was last night, so rather then have one "Oh Baby I like it RAW!" updating the entire night we're going to periodically update the blog today, highlighting each match with its own post. We will follow the order of the show.

Mark Henry vs Finlay vs Kane vs CM Punk vs MVP vs Christian vs Shelton Benjamin vs Kofi Kingston in a ladder match where the winner gets a future title shot at their choosing.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



This is one of those ridiculous spot fests that's way too much of a clusterF to report on, but this picture here basically sums up the entire thing.


And of course there is lunacy like this:

Bet you miss that light TNA schedule now, don't you?

Of course it wouldn't be the Money in the Bank ladder match without Shelton Benjamin doing something recklessly stupid and dangerous.

"Great job as always, Shelton. Now we're going to have you job to some developmental rookie who won't pan out."

Obviously, he has been rewarded for his many years of hard work by not winning the match. Anyway, as is par for the course with ladder matches, there is drama where two men vie for the prize at the same time, only for one to get knocked off and that man winning. Like this:

Clearly grabbing the bottom of the case is the most effective way to win.

Yup, for the second year in a row, CM Punk wins the MitB ladder match! Maybe this time he'll cash it in after HHH runs a marathon. Or maybe he'll trade it for a lifetime supply of Pepsi?

Next up: Miss Wrestlemania battle royal.

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? A phenomenal entrance

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...

Please ignore the Shawn Michaels and Raw aspects of this.

Yes, the rumors are true. Our beloved color man, The Tazz, has decided to leave the WWE in pursuit of something else. It's a sad day, but we should remember him fondly. We wish him well. Let's all honor his last night on Smackdown by reading this wonderful recap and shedding one tear.


Anyway, Wrestlemania is soon. Like, real soon. And of course there is an giant eight man ladder match on that card, so what better way to build that storyline then have all eight men compete in a tag match of sorts (ooo..the combinations!)? Anyway, it was a clusterF but I think whatever team Kane was on one because he pinned someone or something. Of course, now that the match was over, let's not be adults at all and just start fighting because WHO CAN WAIT FOR APRIL 5TH WHEN WE CAN JUST GET IT ON RIGHT NOW, BROTHERS!!!??? Of course, while all those dopes fight it our, Christian (did we ever mention he returned?) decided to climb the ladder and point at the brief case for some reason. Because that will end well.

Greatest file name ever

Let's really hope this doesn't happen.

In blood feud news, Matt Hardy decided to get ready for his big match against his brother Jeff by wrestling R-Truth. That somehow makes sense. Anyway, it was funny because their tights are nearly identical.

There's only one way to tell them apart...

...R-Truth has "WHAT'S UP" written on his back

Of course, that one little difference is all the swing Matt needed, as he picked up the win. Makes sense, considering how R-Truth isn't good enough to be anything more then a lumberjack in the tag title unification match.


Of course, Smackdown is not all brutes and savages. No, the fairer sex also gets more then enough time to show their stuff.

And you know what I mean by "stuff"

Their lady parts. When I said "stuff" I was referring to their lady parts.

Anyway, it may be a secret, but I have a bit of a crush on Michelle McCool. So clearly I was excited (and I mean sexcited) that she was about to beat Maryse and reclaim her Divas title, putting her on the winning streak she'd need to be crowned Miss Wrestlemania at the big battle royal! And she was totally going to win until a certain raven haired vixen came out of nowhere to attack her! She was lightning quick and could in no way be detected!

Err...ummm

And she didn't just stop at McCool. She also attacked the solid 8.5 that is Maryse!

I swear, that somehow hurt Maryse. Don't ask me how. It just did.

Who could have seen this coming?? It was so random! Why was her music ready to go as soon as the attack was over?

Finally, the most anticipated match at Mania may very well be the interbrand Shawn Michaels/Undertaker match. Unbelievably, Michaels may be winning the psychological war here. That is, until Taker does one of his patented evil sacrifices.

Something about this is a little off kilter...

Did the Undertaker shrink?

Wait...that's not black! That's not evil! It's Shawn Michaels?!!? And he's reading Bible verses! But that's Undertaker Kryptonite! That could send him all the way to Hell!

"Curses! He didn't take this lying down!"

Yea! Smackdown! Chokeslam him down to Hell, Taker!

"Haha! Not today, dead man! I'm too wily for you!"

Ok..you won this round, Heartbreak Kid. Don't get cocky. You'll have to be at your best to even challenge "The Streak." And no, that's not an allusion to this.

Say goodbye to Tazz in style! 8/7c TazzNetwork TazzV!