OH BABY, I like it Raw! Lumber liquidator

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Allow me to explain the subtitle of today's post. As you may know, I unapologetically steal them from WWE.com, who usually knocks it out of the park with some pun or cute little joke. This time, however, was a little weak. You see, guest host Jeremy Piven made a lumberjack match later in the night, hence the title "Lumber liquidator." Even "Lumberjack liquidator" would have been better. Or "Prime-Time Piven." Or "Cena's got the Goods," which will make sense later.

Anyway, that's how we start Raw, with Piven making a lumberjack match between Mr. Cena and the Miz. The edge of my seat never had it so good. To make matters better, if Miz loses, he is banned from Raw, banned from SummerSlam and banned from the Staples Center.


We had a tag team Divas match, but seeing as it didn't involve Kelly Kelly, I don't really see the point. If you're interested, Team Mean Girls, Beth Phoenix and Jillian Hall beat Mickie and Gail Kim.

It's true...blondes (and whites) do have more fun.

The Legacy continues to prove they are the most confusing tag team on the face of the planet. They can't beat the aging office worker Shane McMahon, but dispense with Triple H in fairly decent fashion. This during a 2-on-1 Handicap Match.

Another great Cody Rhodes photoshopping opportunity, if anyone's inclined.

HHH, not one to be overshadowed, decided to get on the mic after having his butt whipped. He seemed to suggest that he would be putting DX back together, only having to make one phone call.


Unfortunately, later in the night, we saw Trips on the phone with "someone," asking them to come back. That person apparently explained to Hunter that they weren't watching Raw. Don't feel too bad though; I think most families with a Nielsen ratings box feel the same way.

And now for the time when the WWE gives away a PPV match for free. Admittedly, not a great one - Carlito versus Primo. Still, it's a storyline that should culminate at some PPV somewhere. But, to no one's surprise, Carlito beat up Primo. It must be all those apples.

Mark Henry continued to prove that he's just happy to be employed, with guest host Jeremy Piven promising Chavo Guerrero a match with Hornswoggle (again), but instead putting him in the ring with "Mark-swoggle."

The strongest man in the world, folks.

Kofi Kingston retained his U.S. Title against the Big Show, simply because Show is too stupid to follow the rules. He got himself disqualfied by beating up Kofi in the corner for too long, marking the first time a professional wrestling referee has decided to enforce that rule.

Finally, it's the Lumberjack Match. Piven was visited earlier in the night by Randy Orton and curiously enough, when the Lumberjacks came out, they were all heels. Not a friend of Mr. Cena's among them. This could be bad.


Yes, Cena did Monday nights a favor and pinned Miz, banning him from our world. You're welcome Smackdown (or ECW, but really, who cares?) Still, the night wasn't over until Randy Orton got to beat someone up, and he went right after Cena. So did Piven and his co-host Dr. Ken (that asian dude in funny movies these days). See if you can guess what happened to them...


Yay! Good work! Be sure to tune in tonight, when an old favorite, Sergeant Slaughter, is the guest host! 9/8c on USA! Ten-hut!

Oh also, Piven totally has a movie coming out this week.

The truth behind Summerfest

You may have heard of an apparent flub by this week's Raw guest host Jeremy Piven. During a segment featuring himself, John Cena and the Miz, Piven listed a number of events that the Miz would be banned from were he to lose his match that night. One of those events he called the "Summerfest."

Cena quickly corrected him, asking if he meant to say "SummerSlam," which Piven said he did. The show goes on, and everyone watching has a nice quiet chuckle about some Hollywood outsider not knowing anything about wrestling. Assuming this story would be covered by other wrestling news sites, we let it go, figuring why kick someone when they're down?

However, just this morning, we received a package at the LOL Cave addressed to the "Two Greatest Wrestling Comedy Bloggers for Now and Always." Clearly meant for us, we tore open the letter mailer and found a piece of folded, off-white card stock and a personal note.


It goes on to say that Summerfest is actually an exclusive wrestling event, held every year for the political elite, Hollywood stars and business moguls. It is a joint production of WWE and TNA, and serves as both high-class entertainment and product planning for the year ahead. Vince McMahon and Dixie Carter spend the time going over storylines and who will "jump ship" and when they would do it, meaning any competition in the wrestling business is all just an elaborate, however poorly executed, work.

Piven said that he's been on the guest list for some time, ever since his turn in Old School, and was set to go back this year after his movie The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard opened nationwide August 14th. But, following his slip on national television this week, he's been blacklisted from the event. His note went on to say:


The folded card-stock was actually the official invitation to Summerfest, complete with a list of events. Click for higher resolution.






As you can imagine, we could hardly believe our eyes. In some small way, we felt bad for Jeremy, having to miss out on this great event, yet thankful that someone finally brought this to our attention. Stay strong, Piv!


And, if you're like us and follow The Miz on Twitter, this tweet says it all...

@jeremypiven⁠ still cannot believe u banned me from summerfest. I mean I can deal with summerslam n raw but summerfest how could u?

Indeed, Miz. Indeed.

So LOL Fans, do your part and spread the word that this event is taking place behind the scenes! If the WWE and TNA really gave a damn about us, the fans, they would open this to the public. It would be any kid's dream to see this once-in-a-lifetime show, and it would be so simple for them to make that come true! But all they care about is their money!

Don't let the wrestling elite keep you in the dark any longer!!