R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Family Connundrum

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

O Canada, our home and native land....


Sorry, Stars and Stripes. I'm a little too excited for tonight's Smackdown, as it's taking place in beautiful Edmonton, Alberta! Where this guy was born!


Still, before all the excitement cant begin, we gotta know what happened last week. To start, a brand new Smackdown superstar made his debut! He goes by the moniker of Slammaster J, which is a take off of Grand Master B from Married with Children.


He took on Smackdown's resident Seal of Awesomness, Charlie Haas!


Since one guy has been getting TV time lately and one hasn't it's not too easy to see who won this match.

Hat forward- Bud Bundy. Hat backwards- Grandmaster B

JTG of Cryme Tyme decided to fight mano-o-mano with one half of the unified tag champs: former Grand Slam champion Chris Jericho! Clearly a man who has never won a title before would have no chance against a wrestler who is just now, doing his best work ever, despite having the most impressive of resumes.

I think this is why the Civil War was fought

See? History has a way of repeating itself all the time. Sure, Cryme Tyme's uncle may be in the White House, but that doesn't mean a wealthy Canadian can't ride a black man without repercussions.

Above: repercussions

Whoops.

Someone named Ricky Ortiz lost to the Great Khali.

LOL, Wresslin'wishes you all the best in your future endeavors.

Dolph Ziggler beat a bunch of people to win the right to cheat to beat Rey Mysterio for the IC title at Summerslam. But the story isn't so much the match, but the people he beat.


I'm going to focus on the gentleman to the right, Mike Knox (OMG!!!). Apparently being dumped by Kelly Kelly for The Miz of all people can take a tole on a man's psyche. Never much of a looker, Mr Knox (OMG!!!) seems to have fallen into a pit of hot pockets and loneliness. And there doesn't seem to be any Mach 3's there either.

I really need to see the suit he wears at the next Hall of Fame ceremony

Finally, there was a world title match tonight. Actually...there were two! The first one ended when Jeff Hardy got himself DQ'd. GM Teddy Long decided to holler at that bad decision, and issue a rematch for this very night (last week!)! But there is a stipulation. There will be a super secret, special guest enforcer to make sure nothing like that Jeff Hardy DQ ever happens again. Someone tough and unbiased. Or Matt Hardy.

Which Hardy has worse paint on right now?

Punk, powered by his sense of self worth (much like Ed Begley Jr) went all out to make sure he won his first ever, legit title match. He was strong on offense,

So much tension!

And even better on defense!

Knees up? That's new...

They say coming down from that high really kills

This was going to be it! Punk was going to win! The ref is counting to three when...special enforcer Matt Hardy pulls the ref out of the ring!!?!? WHY!? You mean to tell me that Matt Hardy took advantage of Teddy Long's trust? What a bad egg! Oh well Punk, hold your head up high. Your strong valor will win the day again.

Goddammit CM....

Great man. Great. You'll never get your rematch no-. Oh, Teddy Long is now hollerin' about a TLC match at Summerslam? But that's Jeff's expertise. You have no experience in high profile ladder matches.


Oh well. Smackdown's in Canada tonight, so I have no idea when or where it airs. Still, it'll be on hulu.ca eventually.

Death, Taxes, and WWE Stock

Not to get all spoilery on last night's Raw, but sometimes some things are just too big to sit on for a week. Yes, we now have a new owner of Monday Night Raw! Donald Trump sold it to rival wrestling promoter Vince McMahon last night. The King is dead! Long live the king!

"We're leaders-two kings!!!"

Still, WWE is a publicly traded company, and as such, has responsibilities to its share holders. Thus, who cares who the owner is as long as our bottom line (cause Stone Cold said so!) is in the black? Let's take a look at the last ten years of WWE's portfolio.

Just like that.

As you can see, WWE stock opened it's first week rather strong, with $24.00 being the price for just a little of that Smackdown action. True, it closed it's first month down $3 from that initial opening, but $21 a share times a few thousand is a pretty spicy meatball! Also, this was the month that John Carpenter (not of this fame) became the first millionaire in Who Wants to be a Millionaire? history. Obviously America was following him for financial advice at the time.

Thank God we're here to translate all these complicated algorithms for you.

This is the financial chart from the time WWE announced their purchase of WCW to the end of the "WCW Invasion" angle. A year and a half later and the stock has dropped six dollars. Still, it remains pretty consistent the entire time, which should not be a good thing due to the angle of all angles they should have been running. Of course, that logic is pretty sound, since the stock went up after the purchase, only to return to its old neighborhood once the public saw that it was failing.

It's like every time this happens the stock goes down

Oh those wacky wrestlers! What a bunch of jokers! Yup, remember when Mr. McMahon "died" in that limo explosion? Yes, when that happened WWE Corporate issued this press release. All in a days work for a wrestling show, right? Except there was one small problem; Vince McMahon is the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. When the head of the company dies people tend to lose faith and begin to jump ship. As exhibited by the above numbers. Thankfully, something else came along to distract buyers from these shenanigans.

Ooo..some good news!

Right. That unpleasantness. What's really astounding is how once the mass media went full on Chris Benoit coverage WWE stock dramatically rose. Then as the craziness died down, the stock dropped below its starting point of the time around the tragedy. Hmm, we guess there is no such thing as bad publicity...

Financial genius our ass

Finally, here are the daily numbers of Donald Trump's crazy week as owner of Raw. Yup, a dramatic decrease. Almost a full point. Could it possibly be because of this? Once again, a crazy wrestling stunt is leading the government to get involved because, hey, we're dealing with people's money here.

Still, most important in all of this is that Vince McMahon bought back Raw. And for the low, low price of double an "offer I couldn't refuse," as he said last week. All for a company that netted -$235,000 last night.

WWE stock! The smartest buy you can make!

Wresslin' Rumours!

Life on the road is hard. But it's also fun! Yes, outside of the ring the wrestlers are real people with real quirks and some ker-azy stories.


Being the amazing journalists that we are, we've heard a few tales about wrestlers. Urban legends if you will. And although we can't substantiate any of them, we can pretty much sniff out a clunker when it hits our desks. Thus, for your enjoyment, here are a few "choice" wresslin' rumours!

• Andre the Giant once drank 314 beers in a 4 hour period and then had a glass of wine with dinner.
• JBL invented Mamjuana (boner juice) out of necessity, not a business opportunity
• Former WWE wrestler Renee Dupree had a habit for getting on the nerves of the boys in the locker room. He would not pick up his towels after a match. So many of the Smackdown superstars would communally defecate into his gym bag.
  
• Chris Benoit once took a young wrestler who was showing disrespect to "wrestler's court." As punishment, the rookie had to do 1,000 squats. Benoit did them all with him. The next day, Benoit made the rookie do 500 more. Years later Benoit would commit a double murder/suicide.
• Ring announcer Tony Chimel doubles as head of the ring crew for live events. Whenever they run in the Rockie mountain area, Chimmel likes there to be a little less space under the ring. This is so Hornswaggle well have less oxygen when he hides under the ring.
• Scott Hall has been known to take in the occasional libation. Jake Roberts too.
• After going AWOL from the Marines, Randy Orton served time in the Brig, Orton picked up an affinity for wearing only towels. This habit has influenced other young wrestlers.

Don't ask us how we got these.

• Tony Chimel frequently tips waitresses more then 20%. He'll often leave a picture of his erect penis with his hotel room number. He then enjoys taking the young ladies to Pittsburgh for a Platter.

• Perry Saturn, Shane Douglas, and Chris Benoit all would run a train on Nancy Sullivan during their time in WCW. Ms. Sullivan would later be murdered with her young son by her husband, Chris Benoit, who would later commit suicide.
• Rob Van Dam once got so high he tried to eat a baby. That's right, a California Cheeseburger.
• The Dynamite Kid used to wake his wife up every morning by pointing a gun at her and pulling the trigger. He would then say "One day it'll be loaded."
• Bret Hart has had the most tragic life in the history of history.
• Sabu will kill himself to ensure the death of you and your people.
• Tony the Chim once hit on Trish Stratus, but took it back once he realized she was a "filthy Canadian."
  
• Name a woman in wrestling. Shawn Michaels probably slept with her.
• Lillian Garcia is a post-op transsexual.
• Vince McMahon has had sex with every Diva except Gail Kim. Not all were consensual.
• Macho Man Randy Savage once seduced a 14 year old Stephanie McMahon. That's why he was fired from WWE back in 1994.
  
• Kurt Angle has taken so many pain killers he now knows how to make GhB.
  
• Tony Chimel set up Chris Benoit, who was accused of killing his wife and son, before taking his own life.

Wow! Fun times, right!?

OH BABY, I like it RAW! the post-Rumble edition

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Last night was the Royal Rumble, so I won't recap last week's Raw since those story lines doesn't matter anymore! There is one thing you should know from a week ago though...VINCE McMAHON IS BACK!


That's right, Mr. McMahon has come back to his favorite show, Monday Night Raw, the flagship of all things entertainment. First order of business is to get Jericho his job back (we all knew that firing wouldn't stick). He apologized and everything's ok. Now Randy Orton comes out and starts demanding apologies from the McMahons. Well, that doesn't sit well with Vince, since I guess he's a face now, and he's just about to issue those famous words of his when Orton does the sensible thing and slaps him to the ground, then punts him in the head.


That's right, Vince can't last one night, nay ten minutes, without ending up on a stretcher. I guess we'll find out what happened to him tonight, provided his ambulance didn't drive off a cliff or something.

So we get to Rumble, and the first Raw match is for the Women's Championship. I don't really care, because Kelly Kelly is not involved.

Not pictured: reason to watch

Melina won, after Beth Pheonix made Melina kick herself with her own foot. That was entertaining.

Excuse me for five minutes...

The other Raw match was the World Heavyweight Championship match, with Mr. Cena facing JBL. The big story here is what would Shawn Michaels do? Choose between a big paycheck, or his own morality? Let's see!

Anyone know where I can get one of those kick-ass vests?

That's right, he had his cake and ate it too! Shawn put the boot to both of them, but then dragged JBL over for the pin. But he couldn't capitalize and Cena kicked out. All this after the first ref was knocked down and a new one came out, apparently unaware what had transpired previously. Cena ended up winning the match and retaining his title. JBL is Justa Big Loser.

Last, of course, was the Royal Rumble match. I don't feel like breaking down the whole thing, so I'll just offer a few thoughts...

Santino likely made history as the shortest time spent in the Rumble, getting elminated immediately by the Big Red Machine KANE(!). Glad to see him getting a push that he deserves.

Cody Rhodes eliminated his brother Goldust. I bet that led to some awkward family dinner conversation.


Hacksaw made an appearance, and it was every bit as epic as you imagine it would be.

Poetry in motion

Finally, we're left with Triple H and the three members of Legacy...


Naturally, it was a fair fight. Just kidding! They all teamed up on Trips. He managed to elminate two of them, but who was left standing in the end?

One dong to rule them all...

Will Randy get fired after winning the Rumble? I suppose there's only one way to find out! Well, two, since you could also watch live tonight, 9/8c on USA!

OH BABY, I like it RAW! vol. 9

SEASONS BEATINGS!

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Lest you think that Chris Jericho is going to let one little vicious beating break his spirits, he's here to let you know that Mr. Cena isn't out of the woods yet. In a take-off of Mr. Cena's entrance through the crowd a couple weeks ago, last week Jericho made his entrance through the crowd as well -- surrounded by security so no one would touch him.

I'm the only one who sees that?

I get your point here: you're pissed at the crowd for booing you when you act like a heel, and you want to rub their faces in your success. I understand. But if you're really that disgusted with wrestling fans, why get in the middle of them at all? Your "crack" security team did nothing to keep them from touching you, so what did you prove? I think deep down inside, you really DO want us to love you, and this is just a cry for care and understanding.

"I wrote it all down, in case I started to cry."

Jericho also revealed that he's upset his son has become a fan of Mr. Cena's. He says he needs to "convert him." Now, I don't want to go dredging up the past here, but I'm sure we remember what happened last time someone wanted to convert their son from being a John Cena fan, and we don't need that again.

At least I think that's why. It's a mystery, I suppose.

Hillbilly Jim -er, Mike Knox shoved Rey Mysterio down as he was walking down the ramp. Mysterio fell off and hurt his arm. Seriously, Rey? He's waiting for you at the bottom of the ramp. You didn't see that coming?

Randy Orton seems to be buddying up to Cody Rhodes. He thinks they have great potential. Orton told Rhodes he'd be waiting for him in his locker room. Really? Oh, Cody...to see the places you've seen...

"Oh, I told you ten minutes? Sillly me...must have lost track of the time in there. Need a towel?"

JBL wanted to clear up his little offer from the week before. He's offering Shawn a job, because JBL is Mr. Finance and was able to keep his money while everyone else, including HBK, lost all of their savings.

Get it?! Because he doesn't have any more money?? So he's broke! Oh, screw you.

JBL even offered to let Shawn kick him in the face if he wanted to, but then his job offer would be off the table. If only all business got done like this...

"Well, that's my last offer...unless you'd rather kick my teeth in."

Well, Shawn didn't kick him. And he didn't take the offer. He just walked away crying. Way to be strong, HBK.

Batista beat up Dolph Ziggler. I know what you asking - Who?


Rey came back out to beat the Miz to advance in the IC contender's tourney. He proved once again what a little heart can do for you, even if you're smaller and tending to an injured arm. What a feel good story that little guy is.


Finally, we have an awfully difficult challenge for Mr. Cena - he's to defeat the monster KANE!! This could get tricky, because Kane is a hard opponent, large and crazy. This could spell disaster for Mr. Cena and his recent comeback from injury and reign as champion.


Cena won in five minutes.

But then that dastardly Jericho came out and beat Mr. Cena to a pulp! It's ok, Chris. I love you. You can let go of that hate now.

Don't miss the return of the Slammy Awards tonight! A special three-hour Raw event! 8/7c on USA! And we all know what a Slammy award can do for your career!

He won twice!