OH BABY, I like it Raw! A "little" help

SEASON'S BEATINGS!!

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



As I've stated before, I apologize for missing last week's recap. Allow me to just give a quick thought on that Thanksgiving edition of Raw with guest host Jesse "the Governor" Ventura. It was a lot of fun. However, it's lost a bit of it's shine when you now realize that Ventura was just using it to plug his show after he talked shit about the WWE only a couple days after doing the show. C'mon Jesse, at least let us believe you for a week.

Last week's show was hosted by Verne Troyer. Who's that, you ask?

Wait, we still care about that guy? Also, this picture is just creepy.

So how did "the little one" start off Raw? Well, he didn't. JeriTall and DX did that for him. Apparently, the Tag Team Champions aren't happy that DX is their opponent for TLC, and DX isn't happy simply because that's the cool thing to do.

Skullcaps FTW

Here's the reasonable match they came up with: Jericho and Triple H will have a match tonight (last week!) and whomever loses will have to face the both of the opposing team members next week (tonight!). The stakes couldn't be higher.

I stand corrected.

One other thing I didn't mention about the Thanksgiving edition of Raw is that MARYSE IS BACK!


I know I shouldn't be excited about a heel Diva, but I think I'm allowed this one. She dressed up last week (two weeks ago!) as the Gobbledy Gooker to attack Melina, and this time shed the turkey get-up to pin her during a tag match.


There's a "turkey stuffing" joke in there somewhere.

Sheamus beat up Santino to...prove a point? I'm not really sure what point that would be, other than he can beat up WWE's dumber, cross-dressing version of Borat.

Verne Troyer makes an appearance only to be insulted by the Miz. Well that's just mean. Troyer (and WWE interns) have had just about enough of the United States Champion.

...if you couldn't tell by his facial expression.

Troyer pulls out the Raw equivalent of KANE! on the Miz and puts him in a match against Mark Henry. Oooooh, you're gonna have to eat your words, Miz!!

Seriously, you're going to have to eat them, or Mark Henry will eat them for you.

The long-standing feud between Randy Orton and Kofi Kingston continued as the two were booked to face off one-on-one. Of course, that didn't mean the Legacy couldn't have their way with the Fakin' Jamaican first.

ACTING!

They beat him up quite a bit before the match started, leaving easy pickin's for Hoggo.

During a contract signing on the Thanksgiving show, John Cena was attacked by his opponent for TLC, Sheamus, and put through a table. Cena decided to tempt fate and actually asked Sheamus to come out and do it again.

Honestly, WWE.com interns, who doesn't?

Instead of Sheamus, Carlito came out for some reason. That's not cool.


Cena beat him up for trying to spit apple in his face, and only then did Sheamus show up for the patented "cross arena staredown."

Mark Henry and the Miz had their match. Do I really need to you how that turned out?

Figure out the rest.

Finally, it's time for HHH and Jericho and as you might expect, this thing gets pretty brutal.


Things would get so dirty, in fact, that both men would knock each other down for a near 10-count, as counted by Screamy McRef.

Go ahead and zoom in. You know where. It's worth it.

Trips would be the one to go the distance in this one, meaning tonight we'll have Jericho facing DX sans Big Show, and really, is that a loss for anyone?

Raw emanates from Dallas this week, but sadly, I'm unable to attend. Just another way I'm failing you, the reader. Perhaps it's a good thing, since I won't become jaded and miserable like my fellow Laugh Twin, but it would have been nice to go all the same. Made quadruple-nice since my earthly master Mark Cuban is guest hosting! Go on Cubes! Give Orton some payback for giving you an RKO six years ago!



Tune in tonight at 9/8c on USA!

OH BABY, I like it Raw! Survivor Series

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Ah yes, the annual test of survival that is "Survivor Series" was last night. Before getting to the results of the evening, allow to make one quick note about last week's Raw. It was hosted by Rowdy Roddy Piper, which despite a couple flubs (of note would be Roddy claiming he'd been in "thousands of car wrecks"), Piper was his old, true self. Good stuff and I enjoyed it thoroughly.

Now, on to the goods.

This pay-per-view featured several of the tradional Survivor Series matches, one of those being Team Miz versus Team Morrison. Look guys, I thought we settled all this at "Bragging Rights." There's no need to drag eight other guys into your petty battle over who's more "Jannetty-ish." Morrison, you look like a douche. And Miz, you are one, so that should be that.


Team Miz consisted of Miz, Drew McIntyre, Jack Swagger, Sheamus and Dolph Ziggler. Team Morrison had John Morrison, Matt Hardy, Finlay, Evan Bourne and Shelton Benjamin. Of course, with those guys in the ring, the action would be fast and furious...

Alright Shelton, go ahead and beat your chest once.

And downright dirty at times...

Fellas, in this scene, I want you to give your most dastardly faces.

Of course, things wouldn't be great without some a little civil war.


Team Miz would end up gaining a 3-to-1 advantage, with just John Morrison on the other side of the ring, prompting the Friday Night Delight to pull out some unusual offense.


But Sheamus would be the star of the night, using some old tricks and bringing down the Ab Roller spokesman for the 1-2-3.

The Celtic Cross!

A-Miz-ingly, the Miz was able to put together a winning team with some Smackdown members. I may not like the guy, but that's certainly a testament to his leadership abilities.

Then we had another Suvivor Series match between Team Fakin' Jamaican and Team Hogzilla. Team Kofi would boast the likes of Kingston, MVP, Mark Henry, R-Truth and Christian. If you're thinking this team has little in common, you're wrong: they're all Canadian.

On the other end, it was Randy, C.M. Punk, Ted DiBiase Jr., William Regal and Cody Rhodes.

Look at that Smackdown guy disturbing the peace, as usual...

If you're wondering how the young members of Legacy held up in this contest, this is somewhat telling: Christian eliminated them both.

Cody Rhodes falling victim to the dreaded "Hole Hold."

Eventually, things were whittled down to Kofi versus two former heavyweight champions, C.M. Punk and Randy Orton. Punk would take his shot first.

Perhaps the Straight Edge Superstar should find a straight razor.

Kingston handled that mess easily. It was then on to the Viper, which again, Kofi would manhandle.

And there's so much man to handle.

Team Kofi wins, via the rule of "One heel team and one face team must win."

Finally, it was time for DX versus John Cena for the WWE Championship. Now, in the previous weeks, Trips and HBK have promised a unified front against John Cena, and during the introductions, they delivered on that promise. But at some point, someone's gotta beat somebody, and Shawn said, "Screw it. May as well be me."

Seems like people would stop picking Michaels as a partner.

That was just moments into the match. However, you should know by now, Triple H isn't going to sit out a title match, and sprung back into action, proving that old adage "revenge is a dish best served on an announce table."


Mr. Cena was able to survive the two veterans and managed to perform a move only small children dared to dream - the Attitude Adjustment on top of another person.

Pay attention, son. This is wrestling history you're seeing here today.

Needless to say, Mr. Cena had his choice on who to pin, and he picked Triple H, because why not? So, to the surprise of some young kids who were too stupid to know better, Cena remains your WWE Champion.

Tune in tonight for a special three-hour Raw, hosted by former governor Jesse Ventura! Political discussion to abound! 8/7c on USA!

OH BABY, I like it Raw! Breaking Point Bragging Rights

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



That annual WWE tradition of "Bragging Rights" has come and gone, and what have we learned? Well, we now know who the real Jannetty II is, and just what makes a "no holds barred" Ironman match different from other matches, which is nothing.


We'll start with the Miz versus John Morrison, which is, ostensibly, about who is the bigger douche. I can tell you that from the get-go.

Hint: It's not him. And will you look at those abs. HOT FLASHES!

This whole match was built on two premises: 1) We care about who wins, and 2) The loser is destined to amount to nothing. They did this by bringing up the old name of Marty Jannetty, which in kayfabe speak means "has-been." Of course, despite all this, Jannetty wasn't above showing his face on last week's Raw and letting Miz get the 1-2-3 on him. I suppose it's refreshing to know that anytime a young buck needs a solid win over an old-timer, we can count on Marty to go out and give them a decent match for a decent payday.


So pretty much, someone's legacy is on the line here at "Bragging Rights." One will go on to be one of the most legendary performers in the business, and the other will become "that guy that got kicked through that window one time."

Even Vegas doesn't know what to do with this one.

I'll spare you the details and just say that...MIZ PULLED OUT THE WIN!!! GO RAW!!! MONDAY NIGHTS ARE BACK, ASSHOLES!!!

I suppose, however, my excitement should be tempered a bit because of the fact it was Miz that won, but whatever.

Damn it, even his mouthpiece is douchey.

The other big match for Raw would be this Ironman for the WWE Championship. This would be special because the rules are there are no rules! That's right! This is going to get crazy, and quick! So I'll take you step-by-step through the each fall of the match so you can see just what madness you missed!


Cena 1-0


Orton would later RKO. Tied 1-1


Orton reversed an Attitude Adjustment into an RKO, but both would score a pin. Tied 2-2.
Followed by an extreme Attitude Adjustment from the ropes. Cena 3-2.


Legacy interference. Tied 3-3.


Orton throws Cena through stage lighting, then pins. Orton 4-3.

Randy would then try to show Cena what it's like to be Kane, and fired off a pyro in an attempt to ignite Mr. Cena, but ultimately failed at that. Just ask Undertaker how it's done next time.

Cena would roll Orton into a small package for the next pinfall, but since there is no pictured in the universe titled "Randy Orton small package," just use your imagination. Tied 4-4.


Alright, here's where things really would get extreme, as Orton DDT'd Cena on the floor for a pin, taking the lead 5-4. Cena would then back-to-back an Attitude Adjustment through a table (just how many times does Orton need his attitude adjusted??) and then an STF for the final decision to win 6-5. So now the WWE Title has changed hands more than a football in a Detroit Lions game (Thanks Blumberg!)

Finally there's that little matter of the Team Raw vs. Team Smackdown match, but I won't really go into that. I'll allow guest blogger Kelly Kelly to give you the rundown of that one, submitted to us via Twitter:

Team Raw didn't win. Team Smackdown dominated us. That's alright, we still have the better show!! Ha.

Well played, K-Twice. Well played indeed.

Tune in tonight for post-bragging action! USA, 9/8c!!

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Earning the right to brag

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post please press play and enjoy



Now, before I get you all ready for tonight's Smackdown (and in turn, Bragging Rights), I need to make note of something. This is LOL, Wresslin's 300th post!!!!!1shiftoneonebar-be-que11!! Please go to our register to purchase gifts.

ANYWAY

We take one week off and Nancy O'Dell causes everything to go to hell. Yessir, that "massive" Divas trade, to which I think Smackdown came out swimmingly. Gone is the boneless wonder Melina and that oddly appealing Eve, enter in "fat" Mickie James and "ugly" Beth Phoenix. Yes, I'm fairly pleased with this.

Now, we all know my love for Michelle McCool. Well, not anymore. Mickie James, dropped off work rate and all, is the new top lady of Friday! Don't get me wrong. McCool still has amazing abs and glorious fake boobs (with cleavage the size of the Grand Canyon), but something about finding the Undertaker sexually attractive turns me off to her. Plus, all that faith blah blah. So don't get me wrong, Michelle McCool, you're great. But whereas you gave me this:

Something something tight end.

Mickie James gave me this:


Speaking of a gaping vagina, The Miz and John Morrison reunited for a live rendition of their old talk show The Dirt Sheet (insiderish!). Turns out they have a match this Sunday (for bragging rights!), so it's time to argue over who most resembles Marty Janetty. Seriously, all the Jannety hate got sort of out of hand (not so out of hand that Janetty wouldn't go out and take a payday to job to the Miz on the Raw this past Monday, but still).

"Just because Marty Janetty is a former IC champ doesn't mean I'm the more Janetish!"

Still, considering how this is Smackdown, and Morrison is the face, guess who got the last laugh?






There were a bunch of matches to see who qualified for Team Smackdown at the PPV, but I read this week's Smackdown spoilers, and well, they're all kind of worthless now.


Anyway, best friends forever, who surely would never turn on each other for a chance at the World title this Sunday at Bragging Rights, Batista and Rey Mysterio, wrestled Mano e Mano last Friday. As usual, the interns at WWE.com did not disappoint with their captions.

Brothers, really? Does that explain the bunk beds and matching footie pajamas?

When did Rey hail from Russia? And what arms are we talking about? These arms?

Here's a caption I came up with: "The Animal mounts his prey for a late night hookup"

So the match was fine for what it was. Rey hit the most telegraphed finisher ever to get the win. BUT WAIT! Controversy! Seems Batista got his shoulder up, but the ref missed it! Why are referees always so incompetent? It's almost as if wrestling isn't legitimate! Or the ALCS for that matter! Of course, the Animal did not appreciate this.


And then CM Punk attacked Rey Mysterio for some reason.

Anyway, Smackdown is airing tonight from some city in the Northeast most likely. Be sure to watch it for some madcap hijincks on our way to this Sunday! MyNetwork TV, 8/7c or hulu.com! Here's to 300 more!

OH BABY, I like it Raw! Breaking Point

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Last night was WWE's first ever Breaking Point pay-per-view. Did we reach our breaking point at the end of it all? I'll tell you.

But first, a quick note about Raw last week. Nice work, Bob Barker. A fun show, and despite not always knowing what you were doing, you proved yourself as a top-notch entertainer and host. I applaud you!

Now, enough with that old fart. Time for submission action!! Our first match of the night is a tag match between the champs, Big Show and Jericho, and newcomers MVP and Mark Henry, and it ends on a pin, not submission. Way to be consistent!

I think Jericho reached his "breaking point" having to lift Mark Henry's leg.

The new kids got in some offense, but leave it up to the craft veterans to turn the tide in their favor. And what tricks did they have up their sleeve? Punching Mark Henry in the face. I guess the old ways are still the best.


Another match, another standard finish. Maybe I'm not understanding what the WWE is doing here. This one was Kofi Kingston versus the Miz for the United States Title. Anyone who thinks that strap is going on the Miz is an idiot and needs to get off the internet immediately.

So weak, Kofi is even laughing.

This one ended like so many Miz matches do...


...with him on his back about to suck his thumb. Kofi is still the United States champion, so you can rest easy tonight, child.

Finally a submission match! DX and Legacy, and you know sparks fly when these boys get to play! Because this is Canada, things go a little different here. They don't cheer for our American heroes, so plenty of "boos" were heard when Triple H and HBK took the ring.

Not pictured: People cheering for Degeneration-X

Trips didn't help the atmosphere by bringing up a certain "Montreal Screw-job" during his time on the mic pre-match.


Since this is a "Submissions Count Anywhere" match, the action was quickly taken outside the ring, until finally, Codes and Michaels were brawling in the stands. Cody pushed Shawn off the ledge, in a spot that was so totally not pre-planned.


The young lions eventually cornered Michaels in the ring, with Triple H down on the outside due to a weak chair shot. Cody applied the Figure-Four while Teddy chipped in with the Million Dollar Dream, and Shawn tapped out.

I think Ted is genuinely surprised.

Finally it was time for the "I Quit" match with John Cena and Randy Orton. These two brawled for a quite a while, with some pretty powerful shots being handed out on both ends. Eventually, Orton would handcuff Cena, using cuffs with a comically long chain.


This would comeback to haunt Orton, seeing as how Cena would handcuff himself to Randy and then use it choke Orton out.


And there it is! I quit! John Cena is your not-so-new WWE Champion!

Be sure to tune in tonight when the most lovely Diva ever, Trish Stratus, is our guest host. I'll be typing next week's with one hand. USA at 9/8c!