OH BABY, I like it Raw! Game Changer

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Yes friends, you've made it back just in time for another recap of the greatest show on television, Monday Night Raw! Last week, we were hot off the heels of that long-standing wrestling institution, "Extreme Rules." What in the world could have happened?? I'll tell you...

We start the night with our new WWE Champion, "The Animal" Batista!! He came out to say how he won the championship for Ric Flair and all the fans and paused appropriately for cheers. That's nice and all, but we know the truth around here.


The Animal's acceptance speech didn't last all that long, because Legacy came down and kicked the crap out of him, and then did one of those things where you put a body part in a folding chair and totally step on the other end so it looks like it might hurt really, really bad.


Then Randy Orton grabbed Batista's arm and pulled it until it bent in the natural direction! Oh, but we're supposed to think he leveraged his arm against the chair and snapped it in half, so that's what happened. So Batista is taken out of the arena in an ambulance, and Orton picks up the title and walks away. Huh?? Is he champion now? I don't understand.

But apparently Orton does. He demands a match against Batista tonight (last Monday!) and says that if Batista can't make it to the ring, he wins. And Vickie Guerrero says this makes sense somehow.

No time to wonder about that, though. One-quarter of Jamaica's bobsled team beat England's own William Regal to keep his U.S. title, because we all know that people from the U.K. can't possibly amount to anything in the United States. It's a whole new world over here.

A dazzling place.

Kofi, naturally, was excited.


Another match for the Diva's title, against against Maryse, who I'm slowly growing attracted to, and Kelly Kelly, who I'm slowly following in my car. Look, you all know how much a fan of K-Squared I am, but let's be real - do any of us think she's going to be holding a title in the WWE?

No.

It looked like we were finally going to see some closure to this one-sided feud between Mr. John Cena and that doucher Miz. Mr. Cena, just off the phone with his folks, said that he would meet the Miz in the ring for a little grappling. When he went to do, that nasty bastard Big Show poked his face in and then beat up John Cena. And the Miz hit them both with a steel chair, because for some reason he's being allowed to do that.

Next is one of the more disturbing moments on Raw in a while. Vickie Guerrero came out to say that she'd be quitting as Raw GM, which, whatever. Good, I guess. Really, who cares?

But then Edge thinks this is a good time to add some insult to insult. He comes down and says the only reason he was married to Vickie was because of her power, because marrying a general manager of Raw does a load of good for someone on Smackdown. In any case, Edge says he's divorcing her.


And what did the WWE Universe do in reply?


That's right. They loved it. Here, in this ring in front of thousands of people, and millions more at home, this woman is having her life completely torn apart. Rather than a comforting look and uplifting applause, she's treated to a chorus of "Hey, hey, goodbye!" Imagine if that happened in real life. I would like to be the first to extend my hand in condolence to the former Mrs. Vickie Edge, and I wish her the best in the future.

I just can't win with guys named "Ed."
(Joke courtesy of Laugh Twin Adam)

Finally, we're at this confusing main event. Orton comes out, and then waits for Batista to appear. He of course doesn't, having gone off to have surgery to repair his torn biceps broken arm. The ref starts to count him out, until he sees an ambulance on the Titantron, the Animal's preferred method of transportation! He stops the count and waits to see what happens.


OMG OMG OMG!!! IT'S TRIPS!!!

That's right, Triple H has returned to Monday Nights, and needless to say, he came out and cut a swath of destruction in the ring.


Still, we have no clue who is WWE Champion, but that question will be answered tonight, on a three-hour edition of Raw, where all three heavyweight titles will be defended! Be sure to tune in early, 8/7c on USA!