W.W.W. featuring Chris Jericho and Chris Jericho

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays," the ORIGINAL wrestling-themed, YouTube video comedic co-commentary. Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your DIY Hurricane costume how-to ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.


Matt's video to Adam- Rowdy Roddy Piper and Chris Jericho Promo



Adam's response...

Before we get into all the shenanigans, let's put one thing to rest, Terri. Chris Jericho's chances of becoming the Intercontinental champion are 1 in 9. That's just basic math there, sweet tits.

I respect her for her brains

And also to answer your next question, Jericho didn't win. He lost to Christian. Roddy Piper also lost his match to Mr. America, so I think it's time the two of theme learned a lesson.

Side note: Judgement Day 2003 had to have been the PPV of double duty. Steven Richards wrestled on Heat and then accompanied Victoria to the ring for penultimate match of the night. Test had a tag match with Scott Steiner and then participated in the aforementioned battle royal. Val Venis was also in that match, which makes no sense, except that it was a battle royal for former IC champs. Because why give someone new a break? John Cena also jerked the curtain as a heel and beat Brian "Spanky" Kendrick in a six-man tag. Were we ever so young?

Oh sure, being loud and funny may get you a swank talk show segment. It might sell tee-shirts with the words "Ass Clown" or "Piper's Pit!" on them, but in the end you don't win. These men could also learn a bit about listening.

Seriously. this isn't a conversation. It's just two people waiting for the other one to shut up so that they can talk about themselves! This is essentially the script:

Piper: Your Highlight Reel sucks.
Jericho: You abused an amputee. You're fat.
Piper: You were an accident.
Jericho: I'm going to win the battle royal.
Piper: I'm going to beat Hogan. We don't have anything in common.

Well, that I agree with.


Adam's video to Matt - Chris Jericho gets a letter from Ted Turner



Matt's response...

Good Lord, Tony Schiavone is a fat slob. Seriously. Look at him.


Now, I know he was never a picture of perfect health, but at least he had himself together back in the NWA days. Of course, I suppose you'd have to if you're going to stand next to Ric Flair every night. That would inspire any of us to get in shape.

Spiderman, before meeting Ric Flair.

But in WCW? Well, Tony just decided not to give a rip. True, no one was ever going to mistake the guy for a ladykiller, but he put "looking middle-aged" into overdrive in a hurry.

He's killed more ladies than Schiavone. Figuratively and literally.

Tony pulls a few classic fat guy poses, too.

There's the "What do you mean you're out of pancakes?" look:


And then the "You're not really asking me to get tampons, are you?" look:


Finally, the "I just passed gas and hope no one notices" look:


His hair isn't doing him any favors either. I guess WCW spent all their money and time tending to Jericho's blonde locks.

As far as the subject of the video is concerned, I think this just proves what was wrong with WCW - Ted Turner notices a clear violation of the rules, admits there is a phony champion, and chooses to do nothing about for petty personal reasons. Good job in failing your company, Uncle Ted!

It's so hard to say goodbye

SEASON'S BEATINGS!

For a theme song to accompany this post please press play and enjoy mourn.



Sometimes things aren't funny. We know that's a little hypocritical of us to say when we openly make fun of Bret Hart's stroke and Nobody's murder/suicide. We also are on the record for wishing Scott Hall and Jake Roberts would die. But we need to draw a line. A fresh death is not funny.

Soon it'll set in that a great Samoan has died. His Impact will hopefully live on for generations, but we can never be sure. All we know is that he's as good as gone and we're worse for it. We are of course talking about Samoa Joe and the impending demise of TNA.

You thought we meant this drug addict? He can fuck himself in his fat fucking ass for all we care.

Yes, TNA is all aflutter about going live, head-to-head, against Raw on Monday, January 4th. Hulk Hogan himself announced this at a UFC event this past weekend. He also continued the TNA tradition of putting over rival organizations as he said "Whatcha gunna do, brother, when The UFC runs wild on you?!" Clearly TNA has no idea what they're doing.

We make fun of TNA as much as anyone else does, but lo and behold, it could be a lot worse. If TweetNA has taught us anything it's that the average Impact is better then the average Raw (especially if the guest host stinks) and that some of their talent can really go. For every Kevin Nash and Mick Foley taking up space, there is an AJ Styles and Desmond Wolfe ready to impress us with some wrestling. But trust us boys (and Dixie!), you're not ready to go head to head with the big show yet. It'll be suicide.

No. Nobody ever rang.

Seriously TNA, you go almost head to head with WWE Superstars on a channel no one gets and squeak out a rating that's about .4 points higher. Why do you think you can up against Raw? Now true, if there is any night to do it, it's that night. It's after New Year's, when everyone is broke. Hogan will be making his debut in the Impact Zone and it's rumoured he's bringing Ed Leslie Ric Flair and Brian Knobbs Rob Van Dam with him. Plus, both shows are going opposite the Fiesta Bowl, where a certain Mr. Cena will be tossing the coin. We don't think even Superman Cena can make it from Phoenix, AZ to Dayton, OH in time for that show.

Plus who cares about this matchup of nobodies?

We're praying you're right on this one, Dixie. We really are. Just don't expect us to show up at the funeral.

Oh, and to show we're not totally heartless:

OH BABY, I like it Raw! A "little" help

SEASON'S BEATINGS!!

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



As I've stated before, I apologize for missing last week's recap. Allow me to just give a quick thought on that Thanksgiving edition of Raw with guest host Jesse "the Governor" Ventura. It was a lot of fun. However, it's lost a bit of it's shine when you now realize that Ventura was just using it to plug his show after he talked shit about the WWE only a couple days after doing the show. C'mon Jesse, at least let us believe you for a week.

Last week's show was hosted by Verne Troyer. Who's that, you ask?

Wait, we still care about that guy? Also, this picture is just creepy.

So how did "the little one" start off Raw? Well, he didn't. JeriTall and DX did that for him. Apparently, the Tag Team Champions aren't happy that DX is their opponent for TLC, and DX isn't happy simply because that's the cool thing to do.

Skullcaps FTW

Here's the reasonable match they came up with: Jericho and Triple H will have a match tonight (last week!) and whomever loses will have to face the both of the opposing team members next week (tonight!). The stakes couldn't be higher.

I stand corrected.

One other thing I didn't mention about the Thanksgiving edition of Raw is that MARYSE IS BACK!


I know I shouldn't be excited about a heel Diva, but I think I'm allowed this one. She dressed up last week (two weeks ago!) as the Gobbledy Gooker to attack Melina, and this time shed the turkey get-up to pin her during a tag match.


There's a "turkey stuffing" joke in there somewhere.

Sheamus beat up Santino to...prove a point? I'm not really sure what point that would be, other than he can beat up WWE's dumber, cross-dressing version of Borat.

Verne Troyer makes an appearance only to be insulted by the Miz. Well that's just mean. Troyer (and WWE interns) have had just about enough of the United States Champion.

...if you couldn't tell by his facial expression.

Troyer pulls out the Raw equivalent of KANE! on the Miz and puts him in a match against Mark Henry. Oooooh, you're gonna have to eat your words, Miz!!

Seriously, you're going to have to eat them, or Mark Henry will eat them for you.

The long-standing feud between Randy Orton and Kofi Kingston continued as the two were booked to face off one-on-one. Of course, that didn't mean the Legacy couldn't have their way with the Fakin' Jamaican first.

ACTING!

They beat him up quite a bit before the match started, leaving easy pickin's for Hoggo.

During a contract signing on the Thanksgiving show, John Cena was attacked by his opponent for TLC, Sheamus, and put through a table. Cena decided to tempt fate and actually asked Sheamus to come out and do it again.

Honestly, WWE.com interns, who doesn't?

Instead of Sheamus, Carlito came out for some reason. That's not cool.


Cena beat him up for trying to spit apple in his face, and only then did Sheamus show up for the patented "cross arena staredown."

Mark Henry and the Miz had their match. Do I really need to you how that turned out?

Figure out the rest.

Finally, it's time for HHH and Jericho and as you might expect, this thing gets pretty brutal.


Things would get so dirty, in fact, that both men would knock each other down for a near 10-count, as counted by Screamy McRef.

Go ahead and zoom in. You know where. It's worth it.

Trips would be the one to go the distance in this one, meaning tonight we'll have Jericho facing DX sans Big Show, and really, is that a loss for anyone?

Raw emanates from Dallas this week, but sadly, I'm unable to attend. Just another way I'm failing you, the reader. Perhaps it's a good thing, since I won't become jaded and miserable like my fellow Laugh Twin, but it would have been nice to go all the same. Made quadruple-nice since my earthly master Mark Cuban is guest hosting! Go on Cubes! Give Orton some payback for giving you an RKO six years ago!



Tune in tonight at 9/8c on USA!

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Hungry Animal heading to WWE TLC

SEASON'S BEATINGS!!!

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

In all honesty, I have no idea why I'm even doing this. Apparently Matt doesn't need to recap Raw, so why in the blue hell would I need to recap Smackdown? And I hate this crap now too! You people are so lucky I've decided to bless you with my comedy brilliance. How would you ever LAWL @ Wresslin' if I wasn't here to brighten your miserable lives?

So CM Punk came out to call us all drug addicts again, but this time, there was something new. He brought a friend! Festus! Hillbilly Jim! Luke Gallows! Turns out his previous mental retardation was due to drug abuse! But now that he's clean he's totally fine...which is just about how every former meth addict I know acts.

Well the camo pants do scream "Methhead"

Punk then makes fun of a new Jeff Hardy DVD, when all- OOOHHHH YEEEEEEEAAAA!!!!



Yea, Matt essentially tells the kids that it's cool to be like his brother Jeff and be a screw up. He then wrestles a match with Punk, who decides it's more fun to have Crackhead Festus interfere and beat the hell out of whatever dumb nickname Hardy calls himself now.

First rule of the zombie Apocalypse: Short hair.

Sex-ay

There was #1 contenders match in the middle of the show, as the world champion Undertaker's brother, KANE!, took on The Animal, Batista!

I FACE OFF WITH ANOTHER PERSON ALONE!!!!

You know (tm) what I never noticed before? Batista's trunks mirror his back tat.

Coincidence?

Also, I love the WWE.com interns, not just for the awesome title for this week's recap, but for this wonderful caption.

He's not any specific animal. Just an Animal.

By the way, that's how Batista won. Via sunset flip. KANE! can't believe it either.


Finally, our main event was the same main event from a few weeks ago. One half of the unified tag champs, Chris Jericho, took on the Undertaker. Batista decided to check it out on commentary.

Then the Undertaker played some of his infamous mind games with a spooky entrance.


I'll spare you the details, since one guy jobs all the time and one guy never jobs, but the WWE.com interns do rule.

That's actually a really great pun

Oh, and Batista interfered.

I yawn alone

Anyway, everyone is in Iraq, so I wouldn't expect the most stellar of Smackdown's tonight. Still, judge for yourself! 8/7c, MyNetwork TV! Or some other time on hulu!

The newest WWE video game!

We're avid fans of video games as much as we are of wrestling, so we're always excited to hear about a new game coming out based on our favorite wrestlers! Imagine how great it was when we found out the next one would be a text-based adventure game! You see, in the days before fancy graphics (or any at all), there could still be fantastical journies taken simply by reading text! Can you believe it?? Why didn't they think of this before?!

Basically, the way these work is you're presented a block of text describing your situation, and you type in what you want to do next drawn from a bank of commands. It's not much more complicated than that.

This game, coincidentally, is based on one of our favorite wrestlers - Batista! We've managed to get a preview of some of the scenarios in the adventure, so take a peek and see if you'd like it!

Oh, and you're welcome.

========================================

You are a member of the church. A deacon, and because of your physical attributes, you've been sworn to protect the controversial Reverend D-Von. You do your job well, and yet one day, the Reverend "accidentally" hits you during a battle.

/punch d-von

You PUNCH the Reverend D-Von, causing him massive internal injuries. The Reverend shambles off, muttering that's he's lost his faith following the beating and must transfer to a smaller and less-funded church.

Now, you are all alone. The kingdom of Raw is in the distance, glinting on the hill like a siren.

/walk

..............

Finally, after months of effort, you are awarded a spot in the Royal Rumble and you win! Congratulations! Now, you are given your choice of which king to challenge for the throne: His Highness Layfield, ruler of rival kingdom of Smackdown, or your own monarch, King Helmsley, who has taken you under his wing alongside Prince Orton and Flair the mystic.

You are in a secretive meeting with King Helmsley.

King: Who will you challenge? Don't forget, the ruler of Smackdown attempted to run you over with his stretch carriage.

Rather than speaking, you decide to indicate your choice with silence, thereby making a larger impact...

/move thumb

In which direction would you like to MOVE your THUMB?

/move thumb down

King Helmsley is stunned you would challenge his reign!!

/powerbomb king

Through what would you like to POWERBOMB the KING?

/table

You have just POWERBOMBED the KING through the dining room TABLE. He is defeated. You are now the sovereign ruler. However, those loyal to the former head of state have abandoned you. You are alone.

/walk

...................

Your kingdom is under attack from foreign invaders, including the giant savage only known as Mark, rumored to be the strongest man in the world. You face the behemoth on the battlefield, but you are King Batista, and you have no fear.

What do you do?

/move thumbs down

The giant does not respond. He licks his lips, as if he is ready to rend the flesh from your bones with his teeth.

/use machine guns

You shake your arms violently at the gargantuan Mark. Two serfs kneel beside you, lighting tubes of black powder to create a spectacular display of light and sound. Still, Mark does not flinch.

/smirk

You flash a quick smirk and a chuckle. Mark is now enraged! He charges and slams you to the ground, surely the world's strongest slam!

You have torn your triceps and must give up your crown, no longer able to rule with violence as you so often have before. You have been sent home to recover from your injuries.

Several months later, you are health enough to leave your home, ready to defend yourself and regain your throne. You wake up, all alone in your bed.

/walk

.....................

Your party has come upon a massive pit. Your fellow travelers are trepidatious, and begin TALKING.

Mysterio: Is that some sort of pit, ese?

Porter: Hell yes it is, and it looks dangerous! That's not ballin' at all.

Mysterio: How big do you think it is, amigo?

Cena: Yo fool, that's stretches on for miles!

/say stop talking

You tell your party to quit their conversation. You are tired of them talking out of their heads.

/walk

To where do you want to WALK?

/walk to pit

You WALK to the entrance of the PIT OF DANGER. Which members of your party will you take with you?

/walk alone

W.W.W. featuring Christian/John Cena and Muhammad Hassan

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays," the ORIGINAL wrestling-themed, YouTube video comedic co-commentary. Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your Tully Blanchard impression ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - Christian and John Cena rap battle






Matt's response...

Allow me to get real with you LOL Fans for a minute. You can blame me for the shoddy blogging this week. I wasn't able to do my weekly Raw recap and I'm the reason this post is showing up half a day late. What can I say? Real life happens, and Indian food just isn't worth the time spent away from everything else. Trust me. I will do everything I can get back in LOLing shape, because I know I'm depriving all three of you of some serious internet laughs.

That being said...RUCK FULES!

So this is when John Cena was the same guy he is now, but everyone liked him. Actually, I shouldn't say he's the same person - he did wear that chain. And the lock. Those are both very important.

It's on the cover of his DVD, for goodness sakes!

We're backstage before the Rumble, and we're treated to the obligatory "number drawing" routine. I hate this, let me just say. The paper clearly doesn't have anything on it. I wish it did. That would be interesting, having to adjust the match on the fly. However, this is just so scripted it hurts, and we're treated to one of two reactions from the wrestlers.

1. The fist pump and exaggerated "Yes!" Or,
2. The worried/serious/disappointed stare beyond the camera.

I don't know; maybe I'm that jaded fan know, but I think we all know the order is determined ahead of time. Just make a show of that to begin with. Have GM's screw superstars by giving them low numbers. Have matches not just for number 30, but also 25 or 26. They haven't done this bit lately, and hopefully it stays that way.

Now, as for the "rap battle"? Christian's was obviously supposed to be bad, and it was, so in that way, it was a success. I'll also tell you what made me Laugh Out Loud - "Tomko...give me a beat." That should never be said again.

As for John Cena's rap....well, I'm a little disappointed. You know (tm), he's supposed to be this amazing rapper, at least in the WWE Universe. He's supposed to be able to use his mind and extensive vocabulary to lay some sick burns on all his competitors, gaining that important mental advantage for his match. Let me give you some examples of his "sick burns." These are all within about 20 seconds of rapping:

• Christian shares a bed with Tomko
• Christian "goes down"
• Christian also plays with balls

Ouch. This hurts, because we all know being gay is really, really gross. Double that if your partner is Tyson Tomko.

Seriously, though, that was a battle? Sure Cena rhymed, but he couldn't get his mind off Christian's main peep, and that's just lack of creativity, my friend. At least now he has to keep it clean for the kiddos, but that barely constituted anything worse that what we wrote in the boy's restroom in fifth grade.

Ok, ok - what people wrote about me in the boy's restroom. Damn you Mom for dressing me in a matching blue sweatsuit!


Matt's video to Adam- Hassan Attacks The Undertaker






Adam's response...

I'll always have a special place in my heart for Muhammad Hassan. And not in an ironic "He's like Glacier, thus stupid" way. I really wanted that character to take off. Seriously.

Allow me to explain.

Both Matt and myself had a professor at college by the name of Ranjan Chhibber. He taught film and cultural studies. He also loved wrestling and comic books. It's not hard to see why we loved him. Anyway, Ranjan was not well liked by the college (I believe his last words were "F Women's Studies!") and eventually quit. And what job did he line up next? A WRITER FOR WORLD WRESTLING ENTERTAINMENT!

Ranjan accomplished two things while working for Vince: becoming friends with Paul Heyman and creating Muhammad Hassan.

Now please, give Ranjan some credit. When Muhammad Hassan debuted he was actually a fairly deep character by wrestling standards. In fact, he was perfectly reasonable. A Muslim-American who is upset about the way he's been perceived in post-9/11 America. I think that's kinda cool. If they decided to make him a face or a tweener it probably could have gotten a lot of great publicity for the company.

And you know (tm) what? He had some very valid points. If you got the time, watch this video of Hassan in "Stone Cold's Court."






How does THE BIGGEST FACE IN THE HISTORY OF THE COMPANY greet his guests? "I see sand people." Wow. Hassan then extends his hand, even after such bigotry, to be polite and how does THE MOST LUCRATIVE STAR IN THE HISTORY OF THE COMPANY respond? "I'm not going to shake your dirty hand because I don't like." Austin has never met Hassan before, so he is pre-judging him based on assumptions he already had. Disgusting.

Ranjan eventually got burned out, as many do, working for the McMahons and quit WWE. Alas, Muhammad Hassan was still there. Time now to turn him into a full on terrorist! Because he's brown!

Of course, the above video aired on broadcast television (well, UPN), on the same day terrorists bombed London, effectivly forcing WWE to bury Hassan and cut him loose.

This old house

Bret Hart's favorite wrestler, Bret Hart, recently spoke to the only people who'd talk to him, the UK media! Yes, it seems as if Wrestlegasm the BBC can't get enough of the Hitman's yarns about the old days! He went on to put over some of the current generation of talent. And by put over the new generation, we mean he put himself over.

First up is current WWE champion, Mr. John Cena! What pry tell would Hart think of WWE's current Superman? Someone who doesn't really sell that much and doesn't put anyone over?

"John Cena is like the 2010 version of Bret Hart. Fans see him as a real decent, upstanding human being."

That's almost a face palm.

Right, because John Cena spit on his boss after he refused to do what an employee should do. And John Cena has gotten into public feuds with his relatives and openly said, on the record, without any sort of irony, about how his brother-in-law is probably going to die soon in a anthropological study of wrestling. And John Cena wrote a memoir where he discusses his multiple affairs. That Bret Hart sure is an upstanding human being.

In the same interview, the upstanding human being that is Bret Hart gave his opinion on former WCW/current TNA booker, Vince Russo.

"I think they should take Vince Russo and hang him by his neck somewhere in the back parking lot. Vince Russo knows about as much about wrestling as Eric Bischoff. Neither one of them knows shit about anything..."

Very classy there, Best There Was. Keep in mind too that Eric Bischoff signed you to a $3 million annual salary to go to WCW. Maybe you're right. He doesn't know shit about wrestling.

Of course, Canada's National Hero did leave on a humble note. Ok, he actually opened on a humble note, but it's so silly we're holding until the end. He spoke about who, in his estimation, is the best wrestler in the world. Is it someone with legit credibility like Kurt Angle or Chris Jericho? Maybe an indy guy like Bryan Danielson, or really indy like Davey Richards? One of his own like Natayla Neidhart or DH Smith? Maybe an out of bounds pick like Christian or Desmond Wolfe?

You know us to well at this point to know that he didn't mention any of them. Nope, in Lonesome Dove's estimation, the best wrestler in the world is Melina.

"I think Melina is really creative and imaginative. She's an innovator and she comes up with some great matches. I love watching her wrestler. In a lot of ways, I think she's the best wrestler in the world right now."

Innovative

Hmm, let's take a look:

Totally represents that art form that is pro wrestling.

Alright, you've been waiting all article for this: Bret Hart has been kicked in the head too many times and definitely just had another stroke.

This just makes us laugh