R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? TLC OMG!!!

SEASON'S BEATINGS!!!!

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Monday Night Raw might get all the press, what with their Dennis Miller and Hornswaggle feud, but we know that that doesn't sell PPV's! Nope! You need some real, solid meat to make buyers shell out their hard earned moolah. So how do you do that? With a compelling card filled with Smackdown matches!

Of course, that means more work for me. Crap.

So the future of WWE totally rolled around on the mat for a chance at being champion of the continents! And by future I mean "bland Scottish dude" and "apathetic rock star wannabe."

I have no idea what's going on here

Anyway, the interns at WWE.com decided to show us tons of cool John Morrison stuff, even though they didn't really amount to anything. Still, COOL STUFF!

SAVAGE!

GNARLY!

However, there wasn't a boring old Scottish guy in this match for nothing. He had to be boring and use finisher's from the 1980's as transition moves!

zzzz...snake...zzzz

Oddly enough, that was it. We have a new Intercontinental champion and his name is Sheamus Drew McIntyre!

Kidney pies!

In other "attractive people with long hair wrestling for a worthless title" news, Michelle McCool defended her women's championship against Mickie "Piggy" James. Mickie gets this nickname due to being a good ole Virginia farm girl and being gargantuan huge.

Just think of the thin girl she's hiding underneath layers of disgusting fat

Anyway, this match pretty much filled my genitals with enough blood that I had to see a doctor four hours later. Also nice to know that Mickie James goes A2M.

In case I'm being too coy...

Michelle McCool, being the bad guy and all, has some Latina woman named Layla as her backup. Probably for Layla's black belt in Mexican Judo. Regardless, this hot tamale, although her intentions are pure, just ends up getting in the way! Look at the debacle when she tried to distract Mickie, ergo help Michelle!

KICKED IN YO FACE!

Now's Mickie James's chance! She'll avenge all that punishment the two bullies gave her! Michelle is distracted! We've got a new women's champion!

That's the filthiest clean pin I've ever seen. Some Christian..

Oh. Pinned clean. By the heel. That makes complete sense.

So one half of the Smackdown power couple miraculously held on to her title, how will Undertaker prevail against THE ANIMAL!!!! in his chair match? And what in the blue hell is a chair match?

That.

So yea, it's basically an Extreme Rules/Street fight/no holds barred match. With a bunch of chairs. Jim Ross must be thrilled.



For whatever reason, Undertaker and Batista always have good matches together. It's weird that a cadaver and the Undertaker can work well together, but they do. This was duly noted by the lovely interns over at WWE.com

Can it really be referred to as "Old School" if he never stopped using it? If it's a regular part of his routine wouldn't it just be "Current School" or "School"?

Still, this wasn't enough as Batista needed to resort to FOREARMING THE UNDERTAKER IN THE NUTS and then hitting him with the chair! That's it! New World Heavyweight Champion! TEH ANIMALE!!!11!!!!


YEA YEA YEA YEA YEA! Wait! Teddy Long?! Why's he coming out!? You can't screw the Undertaker when he already lost the match! Huh? Batista used a low blow, and that's illegal? Swinging chairs is totally cool, but anything else isn't allowed?! What do you have to say for yourself!?


Well, the match restarted and Undertaker did that sit up thing and then cracked Batista with a chair (totally legal).

ACTING! SELLING!

Tombstone, weird pin, still champ.

I really hope you catch a bug one day.

Still, I smell a conspiracy. Somebody call Jesse Ventura!

Also, just so you know: Batista did not invent that "thumbs down" gesture. Some people think he did.

Come witness the fallout tonight at 8/7c, over on some stupid channel. MyNetwork TV or some bullshit like that. And then watch it again over on hulu.

You lie, Mr. President

Earlier this week, former WWE exec Linda McMahon, who's running for a Senate seat in Connecticut, attempted to draw away some of the criticism she's getting for leading a company where her husband made a female employee bark like a dog and her son-in-law boinked a corpse. To do this, she pointed to a recent video message President Obama recorded for the troops which will air on the WWE's Tribute to the Troops program this weekend. Mrs. McMahon reasoning is this: the President supports the troops; WWE supports the troops; therefore, the President supports the WWE.

Despite this being a deductive fallacy, we still think Linda has a point about President Obama on board with the WWE's programming. And why not? As McMahon says, the WWE does a lot of good things for the community, for charities like Make a Wish, and for the American troops overseas. However, the President is saying that in no way was that message meant exclusively for WWE's Tribute to the Troops.

Apparently the President simply records generic messages for armed forces and sends them out to all sorts of media outlets on the off-chance that one of them might want to air them. One of those, of course, being NBC, which just so happens to be showing a rasslin' show shot in Iraq in front of a couple thousand servicemen and women this very weekend. An odd coincidence indeed, but like he says, he doesn't mention WWE by name, so there's absolutely no connection there.

Again, Linda McMahon's reasoning is a little faulty, but that doesn't mean she's not right. Now, we're not going so far as to say that President Obama reads our blog (we keep pretty good track of our readership - it's easy when there's only three of you), but he certainly hasn't balked at the idea of using the instant audience professional wrestling provides in the past. We should probably remind you of this gem:




That was during the campaign, and yes, Randy Orton's reign did come to an end, but he also regained the title a couple of times, so we can hardly say you've enacted any real change there. He still terrorizes the WWE at will. We're going to call that one a wash at best.

But it gets worse. Take a look at this video from a Democratic primary debate, where then-Senator Obama practically channels Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson to "lay the smack down" on Hillary Clinton.




You can't tell us that he didn't tune in at least a little bit during the Attitude era. Hell, everyone did, so that's no big deal, sir. You can tell us.

Finally, President Obama even has WWE entrance themes, which has to be proof that he's at least somewhat associated with the WWE. There is, of course, his campaign entrance:




And now they're already working on his second theme, to use when he goes back on the campaign trial for the 2012 election. Since we're buddies with the WWE interns, they sent us a rough cut, though it's anything but rough:



With this preponderance of evidence, it seems to be nothing but the truth to say that the President not only supports the WWE, but is involved in some of the backroom politics. We suggest you come clean about this, Mr. President, because it's the sort of thing that can come back and bite you. Until then, the Laugh Twins will be watching.

W.W.W. featuring Vince McMahon and The George Michael Sports Machine

SeAsOn's BeAtInGs!

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays," the ORIGINAL wrestling-themed, YouTube video comedic co-commentary. Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your video superimposing Elin Woods's head on a golf club yielding Bill Goldberg ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - Wrestling fan confront Mr. McMahon in the ring

Matt's response...

Woooooo!!! Nassau!!! Long Island, baaabaaay! Hey bro, I'm grabbing another Blue Point. Refill?

(sounds of car crashing)

Oh shit! What happened? Who wrecked? Bro! Who wrecked??

(Mick Foley appears on stage)

MIIIIIICCCCKKKKK!!!! FOLLLLLLLLAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!! LONG ISLAND, BAAAAAYYYBAYYYY!!!

Ok, forget it. I'm staying here. Gotta hear what Mick has to say.

(Mick Foley makes a mess of himself in the ring)

YEAAAAHHHHH!!! That's my man! He's just like us, bro. Can you believe it? Wanna jump off the duplex when we get back?

(Vince McMahon enters the arena)

Seriously?? SERIOUSLY?! This douchebag? What does he have to say that I care about? Let Foley finish, you rich douche.

Hey bro, hold this. I'm gonna teach this guy a lesson.

What's that? No, I'm not hammered, bro. I'm cool. I'm just tell this guy what's up is all. He needs to know he can't just walk in here like he owns the place. This is Nassau, son!

Huh? Bro, cool it. I know how much these seats cost. They aren't going to do anything to me, bro. I'm just going to talk to him. Not slug the guy. Cool it.

(dude jumps over barrier and runs to the ring)

Hey, Vince! Hey, Vinny! Look at me, Vinny! You lookin'?? Listen. YOU SUCK! SUCK A FAT ONE, VINNY! YOOOOOOUUUU SUUCCCK!!

(security grabs the dude)

Yo yo yo, free speech, brotha, free speech! This is a free country, kid. Hands off or I'm callin' my uncle. He's a lawyer, you know (tm). YOU SUUUUUCCK, VINCE!!!! KISS MY ASS, VINNY!!!

Save my beer, bro!!!

(Vince McMahon refers to the dude while talking to Mick)

I LOVE YOU, VINCE!

Matt's video to Adam- Rare George Michael NBC Promo about Professional Wrestling



Adam's response...

Hey, you're just too funky for me

I gotta get inside of you
And I'll show you Heaven if you let me.
Hey you're just too funky for me,
I gotta get inside, (I gotta get inside)
I gotta get inside of you (So when will that be?)
I watch you're fingers working overtime (Overtime).
I've got to be thinking that they should be mine. Oh!
I'd love to see you naked baby,
I'd like to think that sometime maybe
Tonight, if that's all right, yeah!

Hey, you're just too funky for me,

I gotta get inside of you (Won't let you go).
I won't let you, no-no
Hey, you're just too funky for me,
I gotta get inside (I gotta get inside)
I gotta get inside of you (I'll let you love me).
I watch you drinkin' and I take my time,
I watch you sinkin' all over that cheap red wine, oh!
I've got to see you naked baby,
I'd like to think that sometime maybe,
Tonight, my goals in sight, yeah!

Baby, baby, baby. Why do you do this to me?

Won't let you go, (Won't let you go)
You're such a, you're such a
Baby, baby, baby. Why do you do this to me?
I've got to know (I've got to know.)
(I'm going to be the kind of lover that you never had)
Hey you're too funk.
(You're never gonna have another lover in your bed)
You're just to funky for me.

(Would you like mt to seduce you, is that what you're trying to tell me?)

(Everybody wants a lover like that)
Baby!
(Everybody wants a lover like that) Yeah yeah!
(Everybody wants a lover like that) Everybody, everybody
(Everybody wants a lover like that)
(Is that what you are trying to tel me?)
(Everybody wants a lover like that
Everybody wants a lover like that
Everybody wants a lover like that
Everybody wants a lover like that)
(Would you like me to seduce you?)
You're such a, you're such a-
(Would you like me to seduce you?) Yeah, yeah!
(Would you like me to seduce you?) You're such a, you're such a-
Yeah, yeah!

(Would you stop playing with that radio of yours? I'm trying to get some sleep!)

Making a first impression is key

Did you know (tm) that there are people who work for World Wrestling Entertainment who are not from America? It's true! Turns out the "World" in that title actually applies in this case. In fact, there have even been international champions, as Sheamus beat John Cena for the title this past Sunday! This was the first time this has ever happened, so hooray for civil rights (thanks Matt Striker!)!

Of course, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to think of ourselves as worldly gentlemen. We do not judge others based on their race, creed, sexuality, gender, or in this case, nationality. But we understand that we're magnanimous people. Not everyone was raised in such excellent environments. So unfortunately, racism does exist, even in the world of wrestling! But how can you tell what kind of foreigner is coming to the ring? Simple! By the type of racially charged theme song he uses. Thus, working with the Academy of Wrestling Arts and Sciences, we have deduced the best racially motivated wrestler theme songs!

Funaki

What's that we hear? Is that a synth-pan flute? Did somebody invite Zamfir into WWE? Why no! It's just some Japanese dude coming to the ring! Of course! But they're hip and cool, as it's been ironically paired with hard rock power chords! Why Funaki couldn't just drop the Japanese influence in the song is beyond us.

William Regal (first theme)

What better way to get over the fact that William Regal is a poor, but tough scoundrel from Blackpool England then having him come out to some dandy fop garbage?

The Quebecers

Off key, boring, and slow? Must be a Canadian theme song! We're genuinely surprised the lyrics do not include the words "Hosers" "Molson" "Hockey" and "Eh." Still, nothing riles up the blood of a red-blooded American more than the sounds of the North!

Kofi Kingston

Make no bones about it; This song rules. However, it's certainly inaccurate. WWE officials basically looked at an African CPA from Boston and said "Eh, throw some green on him and it'll be like a Bob Marley concert mixed with Cool Runnings. They'll never know the difference!" And lo and behold, Kofi Johnson Kingston was born! We'd like to see a legitimate pothead like Raven come out to a song like this.

Iron Sheik

Sitar? Check. Gong? Check. Ominous tone? Double check. Add that all together and you get America's worst first...brown people! Thankfully, the Iron Sheik himself is a bit of a pussycat nowadays. Or a drunk who says awful things on the record (we really need to make fun of him more.)

Sabu

Probably the best of the lot, because nothing about it is too offensive, yet it is uniquely ethnic. Basically, distorted guitars and an Arabian sax. Nothing much more to it than that. Of course, what else would you expect from the "suicidal, homicidal, genocidal, death-defying Sabu!"? Allow us to translate. Sabu will kill himself to ensure the death of you and your people. Praise Allah.

So what say you, LOLiacs? Did we miss your favorite, racist wrestling song? Let us know and we'll be the judge as to if it's any good. And no, the West Texas Rednecks "I Hate Rap (Rap is Crap)" does not count!

OH BABY, I like it Raw! TLC OMG

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Before I get to the first and only TLC recap you'll need to read, a note about last week's Raw, since it was shot in my current hometown of Dallas, Texas. I'm sad I didn't get to go, since it was one of the better shows of the year. I'm not just saying that because it was here and because Mark Cuban hosted, but that was part of it. I thought Cubes did a fine job as guest host, getting far more involved than others have been. Overall, a nice show.

Now, time for TLC, which would shape up to be a wild night indeed.

First, let's talk about Randy Orton versus Kofi Kingston, or as I like to call it, the Battle for Hog Supremacy. As always, Kofi was fired up for this one.


Quite quickly, however, things turned sour for the Dreaded One, as Orton held him town and got right into some freaky stuff.

"Shhh, be quiet. I saw this online."

And it just went downhill for Kofi from there...


Even the WWE.com interns knew that Randy was a little crazed during the match.

Well, it is in his theme song, so one would think...

The Viper would ultimately take home the win, hitting the RKO and the 1-2-3. Seems that getting screwed last week by Mark Cuban was just the thing to fire him up for a match.

Now that we're done with that pesky non-title match, let's see what's shaking in the Tag Team Championship department, as DX faced JeriTall for the belts. It didn't take long for this thing to get brutal, much to the dismay, I'm sure, of one former announcer.


As always, them DX boys found a loophole in JR's logic.


Despite some solid early teamwork, DX didn't do themselves any favors later on to win the match.

Ladder climbing fail

Fortunately for them, they were in a ladder match against the World's Largest Athlete, meaning it takes him a little extra time getting up those rungs.


After Show turned the tables on Hunter and punched a chair into his head (that's right), Jericho tossed Shawn off the ladder for the advantage. It was then time for them to punish their juvenile opponents.


Eventually, DX would regain the advantage, and Shawn would climb a broken ladder, held in place by HHH, to capture their first Tag Team Titles.

"Uhhh, hey Shawn, would ya mind stopping the celebration and get down? This thing is heavy."

Finally, we have the WWE Title match with John Cena versus the bad-guy Sheamus. We know he's a bad-guy not just because he's facing Mr. Cena, but because he has crazy hair.

Red, spiked-up hair? You must have a Masters in "Bad dudery."

This being a tables match, one of these guys had to put the other through a table to win, but neither of them acted like they knew what they were doing.



Finally, Cena figured out that the best plan of action would be to set the table up in the center of the ring and then try to superplex Sheamus through it. Umm, a word of advice, if you don't mind? When you're in these types of matches, the prudent thing to do would be to just win however you can, not try to impress the fans with a ridiculous spot, because then stuff like this happens...


That's right. Sheamus had a half-second of clarity and decided to simply push Mr. Cena off the ropes, launching him across the ring and through the table, meaning....Sheamus is our new WWE Champion???


This is certainly a wild turn of events. Be sure to tune in tonight for a special three-hour Raw featuring guest host Dennis Miller and the Slammy Awards! Hilarity most certainly sure to ensue! 8/7c on USA!

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Turmoil launched with a chair

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

Get this. We here at LOL, Wresslin' LOVE the interns at WWE.com. They come up with the most fantastic captions for their photo slide shows! Check out this Shakespearean gold:

Alternate caption: Punk can't handle the truth!

Anyway, Punk's methhead took care of the former TNA champion.

RAPE!

KANE! and MIKE KNOX OMG!!! had a match.



You know (tm) who are unintentionally hilarious with their captions? The WWE.com interns! Open up for these two-part whammer:

Ok..standard stuff so far...

Oh! May as well have just added in "Thick girls" and saved some space their, interns.

Thankfully, the three lovelies in the ring can all work it. So their stoutness will be off set. Kind of like the WNBA; their strong fundamentals more than make up for their inability to dunk. Of course, this being wrestling, there is invariably an unfair advantage in these non-sexual threeways. Basically, the two bad girls beat up the good girl. Beth Phoenix should pick up the win because she's older and more experienced then Natayla, but Natayla, being a reasonable person, also wants to win. What ever is going to happen?

Using the finest research tools at my disposal, I recently learned that Beth Phoenix once had that weird nickname for some reason.

So Mickie James wins! She's going to take on the heel champion at the next PPV (this Sunday!) What were the odds, that the face (the wrestler we all cheer for) would take on the person we want to see lose MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD!? Thankfully Mickie James will go into TLC this Sunday with class.

Can't start a fire. Can't start a fire without a spark...

In other title news, John Morrison defended his pride in a non-title encounter with some dude named Drew McIntyre. That has to be a fake name or something. Drew McIntyre. What's that short for, AnDREW, you fruit. Still, I never heard of him before, but he looks mighty good getting kicked in the face.

Yea!

Awesome!

And you know (tm) who is stupid? So so so so so stupid! The interns at WWE.com! They consistently have the WORST captions ever for their slideshows. And don't get me started on their composition!

Really, WWE.com? We couldn't see it. You just had to tell us!

And finally, our World Heavyweight Champion (as opposed to any other weight class wrestling has now), The Undertaker, was about to address his challenger Batista with some scary fog and thunder. That is, until Big Dave came out and bludgeoned Taker with the most lethal weapon of all; the chair!

You know (tm), because it's a chair match.

Oh my! We have never seen the Dead Man take such a beating! What heat on The Animal! I want to spend money to see what happens next!



Before that though, watch Smackdown! 8/7c on MyNetwork TV. Or just avoid it on hulu.com!

LOL, Wresslin' Enemy: Good Ol' J.R.

We've never been shy to express our distaste for wrestling announcers. They're an aggravting part of the patina of sports entertainment, and yet it seems that they are necessary. So, apart from making the occasional joke in poor taste, we tend to clench our teeth and bear their inane ramblings and perhaps even be entertained by them on occasion.

But one has just gone way too far.

That one would be Jim Ross, aka Good Ol' J.R., former Smackdown announcer who decided to take a little personal time so he could deal with a Bell's palsy attack. Clearly he doesn't care much about the fans to begin with. Now, though, he's decided to prove it to the world.

Writing on his vastly inferior blog, Ross said "chair shots to the skull should be forbidden in wrestling." He added: "Period. End of story. Bottom line." Ross's concern is with the health of the performer, after recent stories about former WWE wrestler Andrew "Test" Martin having brain damage similar to that of Chris Benoit's from having too many concussions, and the NFL focusing more on head injuries as well. Ross seems to think that the entertainment gleaned from chair shots is not worth the damage accrued.

We strongly disagree.

What's the point of wrestling without chair shots? Seriously. What do you think about when you think about professional wrestling?

Allow us to help.

And you know why you think about that? BECAUSE IT'S GODDAMN AWESOME. Don't believe us. Here's Exhibit B:

GET HIM, BATISTA!! GEEETTTT HIIIIIMMMMMM!!!

Can you possibly imagine what wrestling would be like if there were no more smacks to the dome with a folding chair? What would you even do with chairs if you don't swing them at full force into the unprotected head of a fellow wrestler? Sit on them?

Not so fun. In fact, that's lame.

Wrestling of the future.

The WWE is even having a pay-per-view called TLC, meaning Tables, Ladders and Chairs. Hear that, J.R.? Chairs. Even your own company is willing to put them into the hands of the performers and see what happens, and we all know the answer to that.

Of course, Ross wasn't done talking. He had another point to make:

If one accepts the glory and money one can earn as a successful wrestler in a major company then they should have no issue being a good citizen and living a clean life.

This in response to the constant issue of drug use in professional wrestling, which appears to have claimed the life of another performer before the age of 40. And you know what, we're totally on board with this one. Wrestlers should be drug tested and should be expected to keep themselves healthy and stay off damaging drugs. We certainly agree with that.

You know who doesn't, J.R.? Your boss, Vince Kennedy McMahon. We know that because he recently gave this guy a push...

...based completely on the fact that he's a drug user. That was the whole point. He uses drugs, and people like him, so let's make him one of the company's biggest stars with a storyline about his constant abuse of mind-altering substances.

Lest you forget, it worked.

So you'll please forgive us if we find all this a little disingenuous. Sure you can talk a big talk when you're sitting at home (well, as big as your mouth will allow at this point), but if and when you go back to announcing wrestling, you'll be cheering the chair shots and the druggies just like the rest of us. In fact, you'll be encouraging us to cheer for them, so doesn't that make you part of the problem?