R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Time to Rumble

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

It's 2010 here on Smackdown! Everyone's hung over and can't put much thought into what to do! Let's phone it in and have a Beat the Clock challenge all show.

Yes, what is a more objective and fair way to determine a number one contender then by having a series of matches and the fastest match is the winner of the slot? Oh, you mean any other way? Yes, that would be fairer, but this is what we got.

Although in fairness, they did finally put logic into play and make it open to all the competitors in the matches, not just the four main eventers. Anyway, our first match had former World Champion CM Punk taking on the brother of a TNA main eventer/ future felon, Matt Hardy!

Enjoy the last offense you'll ever get, Jobby.

In case you don't know the rules of the Beat the Clock challenge, allow the interns of WWE.com to enlighten you:

Way to explain the rules on slide #11. And with a picture of a time consuming rest hold, no less.

Of course, one guy is an example of a drug free industry and one guy routinely pisses off management with his antics. And his brother totally burned WWE. So take one guess how this one played out.

Get used to being tea bagged/shit on for the rest of your career, Angelic Diablo.

On a side note: Jeff Hardy will take a job just to get Shannon Moore a job in TNA, but he won't think about the repercussions on his own brother?

To break up the clock action, John Morrison got his rematch with Drew McIntyre for the Intercontinental championship! High flying kicks abound!


These two have been feuding ever since Vince McMahon anointed McIntyre a "future champion", and neither have taken a break from it for the last few months. Don't believe me? Check in with the interns.

Yea, no one watches Superstars

So somehow Morrison got disqualified in the match, giving McIntyre the win, ergo ending the feud, right? Champion successfully defends in the rematch, time to move on. Maybe Mike Knox (OMG!!!) deserves a shot at championship gold? Wait, what's this?

The face throws a temper tantrum?

Oh, that makes sense. Total sense.

Back to the clock! If you ever are scratching your head on what match to throw in the middle of the show, just putting Chris Jericho and Rey Mysterio in the ring is never a bad idea. The two of them bring the best out of each other, possibly due to all those Hart Dungeon training sessions Rey snuck into from El Undergroundo Railrodeo to el Canadas (I could have possibly made that up). Normally, their matches are technically sound and fast, but this time Jericho decided to go the complete opposite way and do his Lex Luger impression!


Which is really poor, because this is a far more accurate Luger impression.


Anyway, the interns show their stupidity again and Rey Mysterio won.

For the last time: 619 is just an area code. You can't call anyone just by dialing "619." Stop with the phone cracks.

This time BEAT CM PUNK's time by one measly second! WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF THAT?!!?

All this talk about CM Punk and clocks is giving me a raging boner. I really gotta nut. Oh, I know how to take care of that. A Divas match! Beth Phoenix and Mickie James wrestled to see who will be the #1 contender for Michelle McCool's Women's championship! And she was at ringside being all pro-Phoenix with her best gal pal, Layla. They go by the name "Team Lay-Cool" which makes sense, but is an ultimately terrible and worthless name.

Those legs make everything ok though

This lead to Mickie getting the win. The Glamazon did not appreciate this and begging to beat the holy hell out of Michelle McCool while Mickie proved what an insecure fatty she is by going into a fat rage against Layla.




Yea, that happened too. Oh well, send us out on a high note, boys.

"Piggie James <3 Food" is a brilliant slogan

In our final clock match, R-Truth took on TEH ANIMALE!!!, Batista. Disappoint me again, interns.

What gave you that idea, interns? Was it how his shirt says "WHAT'S UP!"? Or how his song is just the words "What's up?!" over and over again? Or maybe how he says "What's up!?" every time he gets on the mic. Seriously interns, I expected better.

This match was marred by Rey Mysterio hanging out at ringside and a Divas grade of offense.


Still, the unearthed fury of an animal walking alone into a pit of danger was too much for Mr. Truth, as he spine was LITERALLY busted.


That's it! Batista/Undertaker for the title at the Rumble! I can't wait! What's this?!

Rey Mysterio: Best heel in the game

Rey Mysterio..cheated!?!? What's up with the faces acting like d-bags?! Where is your honor, Rey Rey? Who would ever of thought that a man named Mysterio would have shady motives? Something must be done!


Oh thank heavens! Vickie Guerrero won't let this stand. So we'll have another #1 contenders match, tonight! Batista and Rey! Where? MyNetworkTV! When? 8/7c! Or whenever over at hulu.com!

Can you put the past away? (I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend)

This week has seen a lot of history made in the wrestling business, not the least of which was the return of Bret Hart to WWE television after a more than 12 year absense. During his stint as guest host on Raw, Bret shared a moment with Shawn Michaels in the ring, with the spectre of 1997's Survivor Series floating heavy above them. Bret has said in the past that he had no interest in forgiving the Heartbreak Kid for his role in the Hitman's ouster from the then-WWF, but has softened on that resolve in recent years. Monday, he did a full 180 and made amends.

It was an emotional moment indeed. For two fans who were really coming into their own personal understanding of the wrestling business around that time, the Monteal Screwjob was one of those seminal moments that detailed the seedy underbelly of professional wrestling. It drove a wedge in between the fans, and Canada has been backward ever since. Seeing Bret and Shawn, two legends in the business and aguably the greatest wrestlers in their respective generations, in the ring at the same time, speaking, shaking hands, and exchanging a brotherly hug was nothing short of the destruction of the Berlin Wall in the WWE Universe.

In the spirit of recent events and of the new year, here's a few other legendary wrestling-related feuds we'd like to see resolved in 2010.

Bret Hart and Vince McMahon

This, of course, could have been settled on Monday night, and seemed to be for a while, until Vince kicked Bret in the stomach and walked out of the ring, sneering as the show faded to black. We can't say who's really responsible for most of the animosity between the two, but it certainly seemed that we were making progress just with Bret showing up at Raw at all. Getting these two on the same page could mean a lot of good for WWE fans. Maybe we could finally get all the dirt on Montreal, or maybe Stu could get his due for the impact he's made on the wrestling business. This needs to be ironed out soon.

Bret Hart and Ric Flair

You might say this feud is more vitriolic than Shawn and Bret. Neither Michaels nor Hart ever spoke poorly of the other one's talent, and while they had personal issues, they were quick to say the other had a positive impact on the art of wrestling.

But Ric and Bret are a different story. Flair claimed that the Hitman exploited his brother Owen's death and was never a serious money-maker outside of Canada; Hart has called Flair a routine wrestler and a shady businessman. The two plain don't like each other, and for two performers that land in the Top 5 of most anyone's All-Time list, that's just sad. Not that we're looking for some sort of "dream match," because we'd really rather neither of them wrestle again, but a panel discussion would be nice at some point. Or maybe an autograph signing in Biloxi.

Bret Hart and Eric Bischoff, Hulk Hogan, and Kevin Nash

While this isn't necessarily a full-fledged feud, Hart has more than once criticised the way he was used in WCW, and has had varying degrees of criticism for Easy E and the former NWO. With all three having influence over in TNA now, it would be a huge coup for the nation's second promotion to bring over the Hitman for a little reunion (that is what they're doing over there these days, right?) TNA got their butt kicked in the ratings for the recent one-day-only Monday Night War, but could they put themselves over the top with Bret on the show? One is only left to wonder unless these guys can get on the same page.

Bret Hart and Bret Hart's ex-wives

Even though this is not strictly a wrestling feud, it is still related in that Bret Hart is involved and his family could have a major impact on wrestling were they a cohesive unit. Hart has been married twice and divorced just as often. He has four kids from the first marriage, and coming from a lineage of wrestlers, who's to say that any of these kids couldn't go on to be the next big thing. But with professional wrestling (and Bret's constant adultery) effectively destroying his relationship with his wife, there's not much incentive to pursue that lifestyle. Come on, Bret. Kiss and make up for the rest of us!

Bret Hart and Bret Hart's brain

They haven't really talked much since Bret's stroke eight years ago, and things aren't looking too good. Even though the Hitman and the left side of his body were able to work together again, he's still having some emotional issues and has no real chance at getting back in the ring for anything meaningful.

In a related note, Hart may want to make sure he's patching things up with his bicycle before going out for another ride any time soon.

W.W.W. featuring Bret Hart and Hulk Hogan

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays," the ORIGINAL wrestling-themed, YouTube video comedic co-commentary. Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your music video about the Trish/Hurricane relationship that never happened isn't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Matt's video to Adam- Bret Hart "You start the fire"



Adam's response.

There are certain rules to editing and continuity that one must adhere to for a narrative to make sense. After all, wouldn't it be jarring to see someone exit the screen on the right, and then reappear in a new setting walking in from the right? Of course, music videos don't need to adhere to these rules. Jump cuts? SURE! Thus, I'm going to just highlight a few things I've noticed about this early 1990's music video.

1) This thing is clearly staged.


Seriously, when does the Intercontinental Champion get to travel in a limousine? I don't ever recall that being in "Just Like That."

2) I can think of another Canadian rock song involving fire which is far superior to this one.

.

For those not in the know, Eddie and the Cruisers is essentially Bruce Springsteen the movie. It came out around the same time Springsteen found success with Born in the USA. It's about a Jersey Shore rockstar and how he was ahead of his time and was dead. Pretty much, a precursor to Eminem's Eight Mile. However, Springsteen didn't do the movie, yet they still made it with French Canadian actor Michael Pare as the titular Eddie. Then they made a sequel.

Fortunately, it was released only in Canada.

3) Check out all the cool Bret Hart merchandise you can buy!

Canadian flannel shirts

What is that?

Seems like that Hart is full of love handles

All the candy and Nintendo I want? Gosh mister, try and keep me out of your van!

Two Harts to go over your heart, nyuck nyuck!

No idea what the one on the right is

Yea, that montage took up 5% of the video time, which is actually a lot when you think about it.

Also, I would be remiss if I didn't what a bunch of predictable hacks we are. Videos about Bret and Hogan this week? Why ever could that be?

Adam's video to Matt - Hulk Hogan 1993 King of the Ring promo




Matt's response...

And the LOLie for the Most Xenophobic Promo of All Time goes to...

Seriously, welcome to your nightmare, nation of Japan.

I read a story yesterday about a 93-year-old Japanese man that died from stomach cancer. Typically something that would go unnoticed, except for the fact that this guy survived both atomic bombs dropped on Japan at the end of World War II. He was in Hiroshima on business when the first bomb exploded. He was badly burned and returned home to Nagasaki, which was bombed a couple days later.

You might say this man is luckiest/unluckiest person that ever lived (I think I might choose the latter). You also might say he had a front row seat to the full destructive force of America like few others ever had.

That is, of course, until 1993.

In what surely must be a coke-fueled promo, Hulk Hogan tells us that he is going to carry the prayers and dreams of all of America into the ring when he fights some fat Japanese dude and his comically stereotypical Japanese manager. This being 1993, there's still some of that mistrust of the Rising Sun lingering from 50 years ago, so it's necessary to assure the fans that Dayton, Ohio will not be the site of a "sneak attack" since it's not on the water. Certainly a new day of infamy would be recorded in the history books were Dayton to have been bombed early one morning by Yokozuna and Mr. Fuji.

As Jimmy Hart says, Hulk Hogan will carry the spirit of America into the ring with him, because he has "red, white and blue" running through his veins. I suppose, biologically speaking, that's true for all of us, but we understand he means this on a more spiritual and racist level. Hogan says he'll channel all that power through the palm of his hand, since that's that only offensive move he can perform.

Kind of like Iron Man!

As for the other performer in this video...well, Jimmy just looks like he's itching for his next bump.

I...

need...

COCAINE!

The biggest event in history

Last night was the return of the much fabled Monday Night Wars. Hulk Hogan officially joined TNA and SpikeTV gave them a Monday timeslot for the night. TNA busted out all the stops, as they debuted some old new talent. WWE countered with Bret Hart coming back after tweleve years. But these all pale in comparisson to one singular event that happened. One epic debut to open the show. Yes, the rumours are true; Bryan Danielson worked his first dark match for since signing his new deal with WWE.

For those not in the know, Bryan Danielson was known amongest the indy scene as "The Best in the World." A few monthes ago WWE signed him to a deal and decided to wait until 1/4 to debut him to the live audience. This was clearly the right idea. Don't believe us? Take a look:



Danielson was trained by Shawn Michaels during that period when HBK lost his smile faked a back injury. Since then he was Ring of Honor world champion for over fifteen months and has wrestled all over the world, hence the name "American Dragon." No one is more technically sound then him, so we should expect some real 4 minute classics with Goldust in the coming months on WWE Superstars.

Also his theme music on the indy's was Europe's "The Final Countdown." Same as GOB Bluth. Let's hope he get's a muzak version of it in WWE. And why wouldn't he? If TNA can have a ripoff NWO theme for Hulk Hogan, WWE can set up "The Final Countdown."

Of course, there is a little more to this. Danielson won his dark match. And against former Cruiserweight/Tag/ECW champion Chavo Guerrero! Clearly he's destined for greatness. Or should we say....awesomeness. Yes, it has been a while, but we're throwing out another Seal of Awesomeness! This one goes to Bryan Danielson for dark matches!


And just for offical record keeping, here is the pantheon of SoA:

Hurricane Helms- for Smackdown, traded to ECW where he was stripped of it.
Charlie Haas- for Raw, now on Smackdown
Zack Ryder- ECW
"The Man Scout" Jake Manning- indys

So yes, Mr. Danielson is now king of the dark match! TNA, we're still waiting for you to impress us with something awesome...

OH BABY, I like it Raw! Swingin' the big Timba

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



There's a lot of talk about what's going down in the wrestling world tonight, but before we can get there, we have to take a trip down memory lane. So hop in the WABAC machine, and let's set the dial to one week ago...

TOO FAR! WE'VE GONE TOO FAR!!!

We start the night with Cena demanding that he get a rematch with Sheamus for the WWE Title. Sheamus, knowing that a mid-carder can only hold the championship so long, was smart and declined the challenge. However, Cena remembered that this is the WWE, and if you can't get your point across with words, it most certainly can be communicated with violence.


So we're set for a rematch later in the evening.

Randy Orton decided that the other members of Legacy are going to have to do something other than look good if they are going to continue to be his backup (the Laugh Twins, however, don't have such harsh standards, so Teddy, if you're looking for future endeavors, we'll entertain your application. Not you though, Cody. We're fairly certain your mom was drinking while you were in the womb).

So Ted DiBiase, Jr. is going to have to prove his worth by facing Evan Bourne while Randy watches ringside. This worked out for Teddy by not just giving him the opportunity to show off his skills, but also to promote The Marine 2: Marinier, which is out on DVD now.


Ted won the match, so he gets to keep kissing Orton's ass.

Next up was Cody Rhodes. Now, I'm not a betting man, but if I had to guess as to which member of Legacy that Randy Orton was hoping to be rid of, I'd say it's Cody. Not judging from his past performance, of course, but rather his chosen opponent. You see, Ted had to face this joker...


...while Cody had to face this one...

It's like Santa Claus ate Santa Claus. Oh, and turned black.

Somehow, Cody was able to win, proving once again that Mark Henry is nothing more than a plot device.

Maryse was looking to exact some revenge after Kelly*2 pinned her last week and won the Santa's Little Helper match. We can see how a loss in that match would be a thorn in anyone's side. So we're stuck at a fork in the road in this match, seeing as how we typically cheer for whichever Diva is the hottest in any particular match. I guess we'll have to go for the tiebreaker and cheer for the one with the most cleavage.

Or maybe the one that pins like this.

Maryse picked up the win and then beat the crap out of K-Twice, proving that aggravated assault is ok if it's between two smoking hot women.

Mr. McMahon came out to announce that he wasn't going to accept Bret Hart's request to guest host an episode of Raw. Something tells me that Bret didn't so much request to guest host, but rather the WWE waved a huge wad of cash in his face, and Bret requested to have it. However it went down, Vince was not going to have that happen.

But then Shawn Michaels came out to request a rematch with the Undertake at Wrestlemania 26.


McMahon said that wasn't up to him, seeing as how he doesn't have any control over the Undertaker. Well, that's not a very good thing to admit. Why even have him on the payroll, or is he forcing you to do that as well? What a liability to a company to have an employee that can't be controlled whatsoever. I think I need to let E*Trade know there's a change of plans.

Shawn then decided that it would be a good idea for Bret to host Raw, and McMahon changed his mind as they exchanged a little glance. Are there ulterior motives at play? We'll let you be the judge.

Hint: there are

Kofi has finally decided to fight someone other than Randy Orton, and that person is the Miz. Excuse us while we express our excitement.


Of course, we aren't content to see just one bout, because if Kofi wins the first non-title match, he'll be granted an immediate second match for the United States Championship. This a gift from our guest host Timbaland.

Thanks for hosting Raw, Timbaland. Please enjoy your complimentary prostitutes.

In order to keep the drama going, Kofi wins the first one, and is set to win the second, when none other than that dastardly Orton came out to attack Kingston, causing him to win by DQ but not capture the title. Of all the low-down, dirty deeds...why Randy, I think you've gone too far!

"You don't even know how far I can go."

Chavo Guerrero continued filling the place of Chris Jericho in Jeri-Tall, which is as bad as Chavo filling in for anyone. Of course, because of him, they lost to DX.


Jericho was there, however. He'd gotten a front-row ticket, since he's no longer allowed on Raw. This after he stood outside the arena, asking fans to sign a petition so he could be reinstated to Monday Nights. This man hates Smackdown so much that he's willing to seek the support of the sycophantic hypocrites. That's telling.

DX said they'd face Jeri-Tall for the titles, as long as if Big and Rich loses, Jericho will stop trying to get back on Raw.

Now show yourself the door!

Finally, it's that big Cena and Sheamus rematch you've been waiting for, and guess what - it ended in a DQ. That's right, Sheamus grabbed the ref and that was all she wrote for that match. Naturally, Cena was upset and wanted to prove he could beat up the Celtic Pride anyway, so he dragged him back in the ring.

In an stunningly vivid proof of the old Irish saying "Don't start nuttin' if you don't want nuttin'," Sheamus leveled Cena with a boot to the head. Twice.

WWE.com intern Understatement of 2010

So there you have it. The stage is set for the return of the Hitman to Monday Night Raw this evening. And you didn't hear it from me, but apparently another sHOboating GArgantuaN is making an appearance on a different promotion that may or may not remind you of female body parts. Raw starts at 9/8c on USA.