We put the LOL in wrestling (if you add an "O" and another "L", we guess.)
Here you will be invited into the world of two working, college educated gentlemen who happen to love the world of professional wrestling, but love to ridicule things even more.
Times are tough. These next few years could be the most important of our short lives, as we decide our planet's future. Now, more then ever we need to look towards a model of American ideals. Someone who encompasses intelligence, intensity, and integrity.
No, not Kurt Angle. He's a bit...preoccupied at the moment. No, we need new heroes. We need men to take us forward. We believe we have found this man. He hails from Smalltown, USA. He is "The Man Scout" Jake Manning.
We don't think those are uniforms trunks though...
Armed with only his canteen and trusty Scout guidebook, Mr. Manning yearns to bring back civil service and nature preservation to this wonderful world of ours. He is the head and founder of the Man Scout organization, making him immediately more accomplished then 99% of professional wrestlers. Still, don't take our word for it.
And of course, if someone won't be the Good Samaritan that he is, well, the Man Scout will have to work that much harder to get his message across.
So where can one find the Man Scout? Well, he's a bit of an elusive character. He mostly resides in the east coast independent wrestling scene (further proving that LOL, Wresslin' is the preeminent professional wrestling comedy blog on the net, since we cover the indys now), but we like to think that he lives everywhere in our hearts. His example lives on through his Youtube page and official websiteMyspace. Feel free to drop us a line, Man Scout. We'd love to get some more in depth information from you and your ideals. Also, you'll need to bust out the thread and needle, since we've decided to give you quite the honor. Yes, it's true. For the second week in a row we're giving out the BFG. Enjoy your Seal of Awesomeness merit badge!
Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.
Time crunch, folks! That means lightning update! You can get back to your fried food that much quicker!
Raw was out of Calgary, Alberta, Canada, Earth last night, the stomping ground of one Bret "The Shitman" Hart. Of course, he wasn't there. Doesn't mean WWE didn't take advantage of the fans though.
Our guest host this week (last week!) was the late great Sergeant Slaughter! He was there to promote GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra!
Uh...what's that? He wasn't? Well, that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, seeing as how he was a GI Joe action figure and all. Oh, you mean he's not going to do that because WWE doesn't want to piss off JAKKS, the maker of their action figures, by cutting a deal to cross promote with Hasbro?
We'll always remember. But honestly, learn how to hold a nightstick.
Seeing as how the WWE can't leave these poor Canadian fans alone, Slaughter was cast as the heel for the night, constantly ripping on/telling the truth about Canada. Each segment started with him apologizing for the one before, then trying to set things right again, only to put over America even further. They even went so far as to play Bret Hart's music, then have Hacksaw Jim Duggan come out and wave the American flag. It was like all the fans in attendance were that dude from The Crying Game
Leave them alone. They've had enough.
As for the wrestling, I'll post this one picture...
...and then tell you that Miz won back his spot on Raw by posing as the Calgary Kid and winning a contract-on-the-pole by beating Eugene. But really, beating Eugene is like winning a wrestling match at the Special Olympics. Oh wait...
Randy Orton showed that he had a brain by doing what I always suggest to do: walk out on a match against the Big Show. Just leave. It's not for any belt, and even if you win, chances are you would get sat on at some point, so it's not worth it.
MVP beat Chris Masters. I wouldn't write more on that match even if I had all day.
Legacy beat Mark-swoggle and Hornswoggle. Of course, they didn't beat the Strongest Man Alive; they pinned the midget, also proving they have a brain. At least, one between the both of them.
At the end of the night, Cena won in a match against Chris Jericho thanks to Randy Orton. Slaughter saw this as an opportunity to put Cena and Orton against the Unified Tag Team Champions next week (this week!), at the announcement of which, the two rivals at SummerSlam starting clearing the ring together, looking like the best Tag Team in the last ten years. Seems odd considering Orton's persona, but who cares about consistency, right?
Oh, and Triple H found Shawn Michaels working as a cook at an office building cafeteria. They joked around. Shawn finally kicked his boss and a ten-year-old girl in the face, and it looks like HBK will be showing up at SummerSlam, just like the promotional material said he would.
Ok, tune in tonight, as guest host Freddie Prinze, Jr. will put his own sta-WHAT?! FREDDIE PRINZE, JR.?! I don't even think I can watch tonight at 9/8c on USA.
Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.
O Canada, our home and native land....
Sorry, Stars and Stripes. I'm a little too excited for tonight's Smackdown, as it's taking place in beautiful Edmonton, Alberta! Where this guy was born!
Still, before all the excitement cant begin, we gotta know what happened last week. To start, a brand new Smackdown superstar made his debut! He goes by the moniker of Slammaster J, which is a take off of Grand Master B from Married with Children.
He took on Smackdown's resident Seal of Awesomness, Charlie Haas!
Since one guy has been getting TV time lately and one hasn't it's not too easy to see who won this match.
Hat forward- Bud Bundy. Hat backwards- Grandmaster B
JTG of Cryme Tyme decided to fight mano-o-mano with one half of the unified tag champs: former Grand Slam champion Chris Jericho! Clearly a man who has never won a title before would have no chance against a wrestler who is just now, doing his best work ever, despite having the most impressive of resumes.
I think this is why the Civil War was fought
See? History has a way of repeating itself all the time. Sure, Cryme Tyme's uncle may be in the White House, but that doesn't mean a wealthy Canadian can't ride a black man without repercussions.
Above: repercussions
Whoops.
Someone named Ricky Ortiz lost to the Great Khali.
LOL, Wresslin'wishes you all the best in your future endeavors.
Dolph Ziggler beat a bunch of people to win the right to cheat to beat Rey Mysterio for the IC title at Summerslam. But the story isn't so much the match, but the people he beat.
I'm going to focus on the gentleman to the right, Mike Knox (OMG!!!). Apparently being dumped by Kelly Kelly for The Miz of all people can take a tole on a man's psyche. Never much of a looker, Mr Knox (OMG!!!) seems to have fallen into a pit of hot pockets and loneliness. And there doesn't seem to be any Mach 3's there either.
I really need to see the suit he wears at the next Hall of Fame ceremony
Finally, there was a world title match tonight. Actually...there were two! The first one ended when Jeff Hardy got himself DQ'd. GM Teddy Long decided to holler at that bad decision, and issue a rematch for this very night (last week!)! But there is a stipulation. There will be a super secret, special guest enforcer to make sure nothing like that Jeff Hardy DQ ever happens again. Someone tough and unbiased. Or Matt Hardy.
Which Hardy has worse paint on right now?
Punk, powered by his sense of self worth (much like Ed Begley Jr) went all out to make sure he won his first ever, legit title match. He was strong on offense,
So much tension!
And even better on defense!
Knees up? That's new...
They say coming down from that high really kills
This was going to be it! Punk was going to win! The ref is counting to three when...special enforcer Matt Hardy pulls the ref out of the ring!!?!? WHY!? You mean to tell me that Matt Hardy took advantage of Teddy Long's trust? What a bad egg! Oh well Punk, hold your head up high. Your strong valor will win the day again.
Goddammit CM....
Great man. Great. You'll never get your rematch no-. Oh, Teddy Long is now hollerin' about a TLC match at Summerslam? But that's Jeff's expertise. You have no experience in high profile ladder matches.
Oh well. Smackdown's in Canada tonight, so I have no idea when or where it airs. Still, it'll be on hulu.ca eventually.
What is that, you ask? Well, think of "consumer products" as all the crap you buy, save for tickets and PPVs. The merch - DVDs, shirts, mugs, hats, and even those cute little WWE teddy bears we're so fond of.
Now, WWE explains that they've been doing rather well during a tough economy, and things were just going to catch up to them eventually. Also, they've done hardly any promotion for their DVD releases, to which you might say "What DVD releases?", which is their point exactly.
The Laugh Twins are not above the rest of you when it comes to being tight on money. We had to cancel that third hot tub we were going to have installed in the LOL Cave, and stopped popped five bottles of Dom P every other night. We also traded in the gas-guzzling LOL Mobile for a more fuel efficient LOL Hybrid.
It has pedals and a motor, therefore a hybrid.
We thought we'd scour WWE Shopzone to find you the best deals to be had in these times when you're pinching every penny.
Jeff Hardy "Immune to Fear" beach towel
Right off the bat, we have this bad boy on sale for under $14. Sporting a picture of Jeff Hardy's face, this towel screams, "My name is _____, and I have a problem." It's also adorned with all sorts of words that describe the fearless Jeff Hardy, like "fear." Of course, being a Jeff Hardy product, this thing is popular. "Izzy" of Centralia, Illinois says:
love it but this is one thing i would not take to the beach with me. someone may take it
We agree! At this price, this thing is certainly a steal!
Nunzio Deluxe Agression action figure
Oddly enough, "deluxe," "agression," and "action" are three words we would never use to describe Nunzio, but for seven bucks, can you get much better? No one has reviewed this, but that's probably just because they're too busy playing with it! The description says "Collect all your favorite superstars." Apparently, this person couldn't even be bothered to put an exclamation point at the end of that sentence. Also, for your seven dollars, this figure comes complete with packaging! Don't worry that it'll be shipped loose in a box!
Be careful though, because we're warned
***WHILE SUPPLIES LAST***
However, we somehow think that's not going to be a problem.
WWE Superstars comforter
Allow us to set the scene: You've just spent the night hanging at a party with your boys. You find a young lass there, and both of you engage in conversation over two cold bottles of Smirnoff Ice. Eventually, as these things do, the talk turns a little bawdy, and you whisk the female back to your efficiency. You dig through your collection of paper matches, using one to light a couple candles and then she's greeted by the cartoon image of the Undertaker staring up from your Full-size bed.
Some of you may think that would be a deal killer, but what better way to make a girl feel secure than sleeping under the watchful eye of the Deadman? Or Batista or John Cena for that matter? Make sure she knows she's in for a "Smackdown," and tonight is gonna be "Raw!"
Boogeyman figurine ornament
There are certain things that, whenever you think of them, you can't help but have memories of Christmas - a warm fire as snow falls outside; the smell of sugar cookies in the oven, or fresh cider in your mug; the radio playing Bing Crosby; a legendary ghost-like creature that is an ambiguous embodiment of terror in the minds of children.
Alright, even we can't pretend on this one. It's hard to imagine that anyone purchased anything related to the Boogeyman, much less a Christmas ornament. However, at $4.49, you really have to ask yourself "Why not?"
D-Generation X yarmulke
Who says dressing for the synagogue means leaving your crotch-chop at the door? We can't think of a better to practice Judaism and remind yourself that God is always above you than supporting a blue-blood from Connecticut and hard-partying "sexy boy" turned Born-Again Christian. We think this review says it all:
Title: WOOOW!!!!!!
Reviewed By: Benjamin Mordaci Goldstien, Birmingham Alabama on 3/26/2009 This is so awesome!! I get so many compliments when I go to the synagogue!!!
He would be from Birmingham, wouldn't he?
We think with these few items, you can not only have some kick-ass stuff, but you can save some of that hard-earned money of yours. The clearance section of WWEShop.com is actually quite an amazing treasure chest, though there are a few things we wish we could find there. Such as a wrestling-themed Zubaz workout pants.
There are way more than a thousand words in this picture.
On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.
So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.
Better at naming stuff than us
The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your "Monday Night Raw intro w/ TNA wrestlers" a'int going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.
After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.
Adam's video to Matt - Jim Cornette vs. the Drive-Thru
In Adam's infinite wisdom, he gave me a video that couldn't be embedded in this fair blog of ours. I could find a way to get it on the site, or I could say, "It's less than two minutes, so watch it yourself" and then provide a link. So, just watch it yourself here.
Matt's response...
Jim Cornette is fat.
Image from Cracked.com, which pretty much inspires us every day.
I guess I could stop there, but I won't, because that's not really what this post is about. And actually, sure, he's a little chubby, but it's not like he's ordering twenty burgers for himself; it's for the boys, who've spent a lot of time on the road, so no big deal.
I suppose there are different ways to go on this one, such as the stresses of road life, or the unhinged nature of those in the wrestling business, or the genius of Jericho getting this on film. All worthy candidates, none of which I'm going to touch.
No, I'm going to focus on the other side of this equation: the Drive-Thru. The fast food restaurant is not only a permanent fixture of our culture these days, it's a permanent pain in the ass. The whole system seems to designed to take people who couldn't give a shit less about you or anyone else and put them in direct contact with you and your food. It's like if you were paying Pigpen from Peanuts to wash your car - things just aren't going to turn out right because he clearly doesn't give a damn.
I visited a Wendy's a couple weeks ago, and I'm not here to kid you, they got every item wrong. EVERY. PIECE. OF. FOOD. IN. MY. ORDER. This, of course, after a lengthy (didn't have to be if they would have just shut-up) conversation at the intercom, in which I carefully explained everything, and then they repeated it back to me. And, before you start to think I was being picky, I added cheese to a burger, shredded cheddar to a baked potato, and a side of ranch to some buffalo wings. Not out of the ordinary and not all that much. But none of it was accomplished.
Add to that the fact that this was in the middle of a downpour, and they don't have the courtesy to erect an awning over their intercom or window. I was ready to commit crime.
That cheese hording strumpet.
Also, living in Texas, I've had lots of experience with the staff at Dairy Queen, which is sort of the fast food version of the Special Olympics. So, Cornette, I feel you man. I really do. Sure, there are better ways to handle the situation, but really, what's the fun in that??
I suppose you could have avoided calling the girl at the window a "C-U-Next-Tuesday," but if you're going to go that route, go strong. Don't wuss out mid-word. Nice work.
Matt's video to Adam- Sgt. Slaughter throws fireball at Hulk Hogan
Adam's response... Wow! What a peculiar, retro video! How did Matthew ever think to find such an obscure piece of WWE history? Could it be that G.I. Joe just opened up to $100 million dollars this weekend? Or what about Sgt. Slaughter guest hosting Raw this last Monday? Seriously dude. What did you do? Type "current events" into Google?
Hmm..maybe not..
Yes, so 16 seconds into this bad boy and things already are awesome. Mean Gene is always good for a chuckle around these parts, and I admittedly popped a little bit when he said that "Hulkamania and millions of Hulkamaniacs were in effect, raped." Now I know this is the part where you expect me to run wild with this. Maybe run a photo of some supple young boy with a funny LOL (I was thinking either "rayp viktum" or "he wuz asskin 4 ti")? Well, I'm not going to do that, you perverts! Sex offender laws preclude me from doing that.
Much more seriously though, Sgt. Slaughter has magic powers. Real actual magic. He was able to control fire, much like Wheeler from Captain Planet. How else do you explain the fact that he had a fireball ready to go the second Hulk Hogan opened his dressing room door? You actually think he just stood there with a lighter and some flash paper, and was given a prompt when Hulk would open it? That's just silly!
Now General Adan is a different story. He was ineffective, and it kind of explains why Desert Storm was so inconsequential. Granted, I know that on earth-53 a steel chair is a WMD. But he didn't hand Sgt. Slaughter a steel chair. It was more of a plastic chair. Like those folding chairs you see at garden parties. What's that? What's a garden party? I'm sorry, I sometimes forget that you LOLiacs are not as important and fancy as I am. Since I am an important and fancy, I have attended numerous garden parties. Essentially, it's a cook out for high brow folks like myself.
Above: Me and a young lady at "Garden Party Double-O-Seven"
In conclusion, Sgt Slaughter accosts Hogan with the chair and screams "Slaughter rules!" ad nausea. Then he makes sure to look into the camera and scream "I rule", as if "Slaughter rules!" was too subtle. Camera man goes boom on his bottom. Now his bottoms big. And Mean Gene takes us home with that insatiable mouth of his. But what are these unfathomable rules that Sgt Slaughter has now instituted? I took the time machine back to Wrestlemania VII to ask around.
It's no secret that LOL, Wresslin' is the best wrestling comedy blog this side of the solar system. However, that is not to say we're perfect. We are not. We know that is a big news flash, but the only quality that is equal to our wit is perhaps our humility (it is often known as our "best" attribute). So we're going to just out and say it; we were wrong about Zack Ryder.
Here's what we wrote about Mr. Ryder just long of two months ago:
Zack Ryder-Woo woo we we. Yes, a Long Island guido. The perfect gimmick. We wish you best in all your future endeavors, Zack.
Well, turns out the man has turned crap into diamonds. His Long Island guido character is actually fairly amusing. Become a witness:
Now as for his trademark catchphrase, "Woo woo we woo woo!"; stupid, for sure. Yet, it fits everything about him. The bandanna (which we're sure he's called a "bandizzi" on multiple occasions), the one legged tights, flamboyant colors; they're all things we hate. But isn't that the mark of a good heel? Or what about that ring entrance music? Isn't that just nauseating? Seriously, it sounds nothing like what a young male would want to listen to. And the narrative structure is just silly and weird, making the story behind it (Ladies man coming through!) completely unbelievable. Hmm...seems as if that reminds us of someone else...
But you know (tm) what makes Zack Ryder complete? It's how he lives his gimmick. Check out some of these sweet tweets the man has left.
Heading to the gym then to the tanning salon...I can't wait to take pics of myself in the mirror after I get out of the tanning bed. WOO X 3 10:52 AM Aug 10thfrom web
We're partial to "Woo X 3" ourselves.
Some may look at all this and say "Rob Conway 2009." Well those men are fools. When we add this all together we summat a treasure! We have found our third recipient of the Seal of Awesomeness! This is clearly no small feat, as we haven't had anyone be awesome in almost nine months!
Side note: Before you fanboys start screaming "continuity error!" just know that we have factored in our previous SoA rules. We are aware that each brand can only have one SoA recipient (so as not to tip the scales too heavily) and Shane Helms is currently on ECW. However, we bestowed Hurricane Helms and his "I'm just sayin!" gimmick in. Now he is on ECW as just the superhero Hurricane. Should he return to his old ways we may confer with the union, but until then Zack Ryder is the current ECW SoA.
Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.
For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...
Allow me to explain the subtitle of today's post. As you may know, I unapologetically steal them from WWE.com, who usually knocks it out of the park with some pun or cute little joke. This time, however, was a little weak. You see, guest host Jeremy Piven made a lumberjack match later in the night, hence the title "Lumber liquidator." Even "Lumberjack liquidator" would have been better. Or "Prime-Time Piven." Or "Cena's got the Goods," which will make sense later.
Anyway, that's how we start Raw, with Piven making a lumberjack match between Mr. Cena and the Miz. The edge of my seat never had it so good. To make matters better, if Miz loses, he is banned from Raw, banned from SummerSlam and banned from the Staples Center.
We had a tag team Divas match, but seeing as it didn't involve Kelly Kelly, I don't really see the point. If you're interested, Team Mean Girls, Beth Phoenix and Jillian Hall beat Mickie and Gail Kim.
It's true...blondes (and whites) do have more fun.
The Legacy continues to prove they are the most confusing tag team on the face of the planet. They can't beat the aging office worker Shane McMahon, but dispense with Triple H in fairly decent fashion. This during a 2-on-1 Handicap Match.
Another great Cody Rhodes photoshopping opportunity, if anyone's inclined.
HHH, not one to be overshadowed, decided to get on the mic after having his butt whipped. He seemed to suggest that he would be putting DX back together, only having to make one phone call.
Unfortunately, later in the night, we saw Trips on the phone with "someone," asking them to come back. That person apparently explained to Hunter that they weren't watching Raw. Don't feel too bad though; I think most families with a Nielsen ratings box feel the same way.
And now for the time when the WWE gives away a PPV match for free. Admittedly, not a great one - Carlito versus Primo. Still, it's a storyline that should culminate at some PPV somewhere. But, to no one's surprise, Carlito beat up Primo. It must be all those apples.
Mark Henry continued to prove that he's just happy to be employed, with guest host Jeremy Piven promising Chavo Guerrero a match with Hornswoggle (again), but instead putting him in the ring with "Mark-swoggle."
The strongest man in the world, folks.
Kofi Kingston retained his U.S. Title against the Big Show, simply because Show is too stupid to follow the rules. He got himself disqualfied by beating up Kofi in the corner for too long, marking the first time a professional wrestling referee has decided to enforce that rule.
Finally, it's the Lumberjack Match. Piven was visited earlier in the night by Randy Orton and curiously enough, when the Lumberjacks came out, they were all heels. Not a friend of Mr. Cena's among them. This could be bad.
Yes, Cena did Monday nights a favor and pinned Miz, banning him from our world. You're welcome Smackdown (or ECW, but really, who cares?) Still, the night wasn't over until Randy Orton got to beat someone up, and he went right after Cena. So did Piven and his co-host Dr. Ken (that asian dude in funny movies these days). See if you can guess what happened to them...
Yay! Good work! Be sure to tune in tonight, when an old favorite, Sergeant Slaughter, is the guest host! 9/8c on USA! Ten-hut!
Oh also, Piven totally has a movie coming out this week.
Adam, a native of the Garden State, and Matt, a proud Texan, crossed paths at university. They discovered they're both really into very silly things. Contact them at lolwresslin@gmail.com
We don't think those are uniforms trunks though...
