We put the LOL in wrestling (if you add an "O" and another "L", we guess.)
Here you will be invited into the world of two working, college educated gentlemen who happen to love the world of professional wrestling, but love to ridicule things even more.
A couple days ago, we brought you a list of what we considered the best wrestling themes in existence. However, with every up, there's a down, and where wrestling themes are concerned, there are LOTS of downs. In the effort to be balanced, we're bringing you today the Bottom 8 theme songs.
The rules for consideration are the same - it has to be a song written to be an entrance theme. It also has to be a song, which means Diesel's theme is out, because it pretty much is an entrance sound effect. Right to Censor is out as well (looks like the Laugh Twins are the ones with the right to censor now!)
They also will be WWF/E themes, which narrows down the pool and makes it easier for us, but does preclude things like this gem. We encourage you to listen to that, because your life will never be the same...it will be worse.
So, cue the pathetic drum roll, because here's your Bottom 8 theme songs of all time (as chosen by us!)
You may think this is breaking the first rule, because technically this was on the Fozzy album first, but since we made the list, this one is getting in. It's Jericho's band, so we think we have a pass on this one. The song itself is forgettable, but what really made this terrible is that he chose this over his truly great theme (which made #6 on our first list). Also, anytime your theme song is altered to sell YJ Stinger, it's got serious stink on it.
Banking off his one recognizable plus, the original (and pretty kick-ass) Degeneration X theme was remixed for one Sean Waltman. It was slowed down, a poor rap placed over the beat, and preceded with the command to "make some noise," which no one in the crowd heeded. If there's one way to get someone to dislike you, it's to remind them of cool things you used to do.
Allow us to give you the first two lyrics of this song (aside from recognizing the fact that Billy Gunn is, in fact, an ass man)
I love to love 'em, I love to kick 'em, I love to shove 'em, I love to stick 'em
Love to flaunt 'em, I love to watch 'em, I love to pick 'em, and I'm gonna kick 'em
We should remind you that he's talking about ass here. Just in case you missed it, he'll tell you twice that he's going to kick ass, but not before he also makes it clear he will stick and pick ass as well. And later on he tells us the best is when you "sneak up from behind." Billy and Chuck make a whole lot more sense now.
A problem some wrestlers have is a generic theme. It's not necessarily bad; it just doesn't stand out in anyway from some other jobber on the roster. Mr. Helms had that problem, because his theme wasn't all that bad, it was just "meh." So to solve this (and ensure a huge pop), his theme was modified so you'd no for sure you were about to witness the genius of Gregory Helms. How did they accomplish this? By having him say "Gregory Helms!" at the beginning. Good plan.
Alright, so this wasn't actually a wrestler, but this concept was so ridiculous it had to make it in. Right before he was crushed by the Raw set, Mr. McMahon spent a couple weeks giving away cash on the air. Rather than simply come out to his own theme (which made it onto the other list as well at #5), McMahon thought he should start the segment out with a special theme for "da monaaay" itself. Whichever Mozart came up with Gregory Helms's theme got some extra work that day, and some singer was paid to come and repeat the word "money" into a mic fifty times.
We're highlighting Torrie's theme here, but this applies to pretty much every Diva other than perhaps Lita. The diva's theme serves one purpose - background noise while we oogle at her Titantron video or her prance down the ramp. But they all share some common messages: this girl is hot; she likes to have fun; she might possibly want to do something nasty with you; and everyone likes to look at her.
This just sounds like a cartoon theme. How this was ever supposed to create excitement for the Mountie is beyond us, because all this makes us want is some Fruity Pebbles. In case you were curious, he's handsome, and brave, and strong. Well, buddy, if your theme song has to inform us of that, it's probably nowhere near the truth.
Immediately when we thought of this list, we knew what would occupy the number one spot. Catapulting itself into the "so bad, it's good' territory, Conway's theme when he broke off from La Resistance is a classic case of missing the mark. Rob Conway himself has said he hated it. With it's ragtime-ish piano and absolutely ridiculous lyrics and vocals, Conway let the audience know that it was time to cast their gaze upon his wonderment, because he's been around the world and been with many, many girls. The sad thing is, this theme is main reason both of the Laugh Twins are probably the biggest Con-fans you'll ever meet.
On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.
So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.
Better at naming stuff than us.
The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your fat dance video to various wrestling theme ain't gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.
After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.
Adam's video to Matt - What's Crackin' with Scotty Goldman
Matt's response...
The Internet is a wild and varied place. Any number of things can be discovered traveling the virtually lawless expanse that is the World Wide Web. It's the home of news, if that's your poison. A refuge for outcasts. LOLWresslin' exists on the web, which caters to both news AND outcasts.
This is out there too.
And it's also the resting place of What's Crackin' with Scotty Goldman - a segment so good, apparently, that Steveweiser357 thought it should be unleashed from its harness on WWE.com and allowed to roam free on YouTube. It was uploaded on the 23rd of January, and since that time has garnered over two thousand views (surely half of those were inadvertent while trying to find this clip). It's also been amended with 19 comments as of posting this entry; a cadre of Goldman supporters who gleefully pronounce "LOLZ!" at the sound of his voice.
Not me, though. Adam accuses me of not giving the new guys a fair shot, but that's not completely true. It's true in a sense, of course, but I've marked out for several undercarders in my time. Some have panned out, most haven't. I'm just picky with my support, and just because a guy is a fresh face doesn't mean I want him around.
Scotty Goldman is one of those guys. In truly western vernacular, I'm not hitchin' my wagon to that mule, and I'm glad the jackass was released. Why? Because of crap like this. I don't know where to place the blame for this video, because I'm sure Scotty didn't do all the post-production on it, but I'll still take my anger out on him.
First, ditch the ridiculous "Jewish" music. I don't know if that was his theme while he was in the WWE. I don't know that because I never saw the dude on TV (I guess maybe he was on SyFy? Or SmackFrown?) I get it already. You use Star of David wipes as transitions. Clever.
Second, don't you even hold a Shamwow. And don't use it's catchphrase. There's only one man that can sell me a Shamwow, and it ain't you, brother.
You have my axe, liege.
Speaking of catchphrases, you don't have one, so by your own definition, you're a nobody. "What's crackin'" doesn't count, because that's just stupid.
And you know what else is stupid? Cutting the sleeves off a suit jacket and passing it off as a vest. I didn't even notice at first, but when you pointed it out, I can't help but notice...that you're A FREAKING TOOL!
I bet those would be great as a pair of briefs...
Finally, and this goes for everyone at WWE.com, learn to conduct yourself in front of a greenscreen. Let's light the set evenly, so people aren't walking around in shadow where there clearly isn't any. Let's not walk over or through beds in background. And I don't believe the Internet is floating behind you, so drop the schtick.
Scotty Goldman. I hate you.
Matt's video to Adam- "Piledriver"
Adam's response...
The hot topics around these parts lately have been the WWE Hall of Fame and music. We can't seem to get enough of it! Thus, Matt decided to blend two great tastes into one awesome taste when he sent me the music video for the smash hit "Piledriver" sung by 2009 inductee Koko B. Ware!
I like the basic premise of this music video since it appears to be based on fact. When the WWF superstars aren't touring the country entertaining millions the volunteer their time working for Habitat for Humanity. At least you'd think that...
No, the greatest Intercontinental champion of all time, The Honky Tonk Man, decided to skip work and drive a Cadillac around with Jimmy Hart. And to be an even bigger dick, he drove right to the construction site to brag. Ken Patera and BamBamBigelow are not amused, but thankfully Hulk Hogan has a sledge hammer and can stop a vehicle going 25 MPH+ by giving a real mean stare. Of course, Koko B Ware is taking this distraction as an opportunity to sing a love song, much to the dismay of his foreman.
Now, sure, these titans of the ring are doing the Lord's work, but they can have fun! Like holding a cement dispensing cylinder and shooting the cement onto their boss's back!
I know that it's a tool, but I can't help but think...
Look that this mischievous face from the Immortal Hogan!
"Oh geeze...ahh...(pant)..here it comes..."
"AUUUUUUUUGGHHH!!"
And it's not all back breaking labor! Every lunch break they all get a little desert, as some of the finest tail this side of Bridgeport walks past these muscle men (in an isolated location) for no discernible reason. Not even joking. Check some of these girls out.
Yes and maybe (L-R)
Can I get some fries with that?
I mean, I assume they're girls. Without seeing their faces (and you know, deobjectifying them just a little bit) I can't be sure. They could be pre-op trannies for all I know, but be that as they may, they appear to be damn sexy. Don't believe me? Check out the wrestler's reactions:
Clearly he's so flabbergasted by her hotness he spills his water. Nothing more to it.
And for some reason the mere presence of these women causes the wrestlers to eat their lunches like retarded children. Must be some 1980's mating call.
No idea who that is, but he's eating an apple. Badly.
This may have to be our new profile image.
Oh, and before I forget, look who got in on the action for a few seconds:
Stand back!
Yup, just one of the guys, right Vinny?
And if the constant ejaculation metaphors were too subtle for you, let's check back in with that wascally foreman. Seems like he's taking his lunch break to jerk off in the port-o-potty.
Slow times around the offices of the Laugh Twins. Sure, there's some stuff going on around earth-53, but most of it centers around how awful the build towards Wrestlemania has been. Although we could write a thesis on that topic, that brand of discussion is usually best served as a bookmarks for the week. What else is going on? Well a certain someone failed the test, but we're not talented enough to make it funny after that line that would break our "be nice" New Year's resolution.
Thus out of the doldrums of uncreativity we present to you a list. No, not that silly little thing we did a few weeks ago. Rather, a list of personal favorites. The top 8 wrestler entrance themes in WWF/WWE history! Why? Because an awesome entrance can make a good wrestler a legend and an awful wrestler a star! Take WCW's Glacier for example:
Er...ummm
And of course, music is more important then just fancy lights and dancing. The crowd needs to be in sync with the superstar. We need to breath in the same increments that he breaths (albeit..a little heavier.) A few ground rules before we start listing. First, these will only be songs written for the sole use of wrestling entrances. Thus, every theme Rey Mysterio and Edge have ever had will not be here. Keep in mind, we're fine with name bands providing themes, but it must be written for the purpose of wrestling. Also, we won't be posting the videos, just link to them. Open the links in new browsers and listen up. We clear? Then without further adieu, let's commence with the list!
Odd choice? Well that's to show you that we put thought into this! Clearly we know our stuff if we picked such a no name theme to open the list! Seriously though, this song rules. A nice slow build as Chavito Heat struts his way down the ramp. Listen. The bass opens as an eighth note but speeds up to a sixteenth! All while the timbali keeps a steady time signature! This song is poetry! Throw in some horns for a melody and you got yourself eight place!
Dusty Rhodes was a big draw working the NWA territories in the 1980's. He had some epic title matches with Ric Flair. Thus, you would fully expect him to be treated with respect and dignity when he finally signed Vince McMahon's lucrative deal to come up north.
Yea, you know us too well at this point. What did Vince do? He put him in polka dots and made him dance in the ring with an Aunt Jemima impersonator (named Sweet Sapphire!). Naturally, this would be doomed from the start. Except for this epic theme song. And lo and behold, ole' Dusty made the best of it and didn't tarnish his legacy one bit...
He's had various remixes over the years, but they're all essentially the same tune. What makes it work? Crunch guitars, drop D tuning, vocals sung through a condenser mic. True, that can be said for most butt metal bands of the early 2000's, but this one just works. It's character specific, and throws in a few biblical allusions for good measure. After all, the Y2J problem came to save us from boring television much as Save_us.222 did. It's the perfect sound for his character and is deserving of our praise.
We're just going to get this out of the way. All the songs fit their character. That's why they're ranked so high. But good Lord, does this one just hit it out of the park. Very similar to Jericho's, except it came first and has a pretty sick bass break down on the bridge.
Yes, sometimes wrestlers change their music when they change sides. You can't be cheering "Head!" when you want to boo Al Snow, right? Thus, this John Carpenter inspired tune for probably the greatest ring psychologist ever conveys every feeling of terror, unpredictability, and ultimate failure (you know (tm) he never won a title in the WWF? We know this stuff isn't legit competition, but he was never considered a big enough draw or dependable enough to have a strap put on him. Which would be good because he has a habit of not wearing pants) that comes with The Snake. What makes this one so special is that is isn't all that different from his face music. It was just darker. Or to us? Perfect.
Once again, just to show you that we're paying attention, we're throwing you this curve ball. Yes, it's iconic. Yes we know every word by heart and love the music video for it. And yes, it might make us do more jumping jacks then the two above it. But we don't get the same glee we get listening to it as we do the next two. Still, it's a classic, and deserves our respect, no matter what his ex-wife's people may say.
Do we need to justify this? It's number one for a reason. It's awesome. The end.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHH!
MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY-EEEEEE!
BONUS UPDATE: We also want to mention the theme song of Jesse and Festus. Although not great, we just love screaming "Biscuits and GRAAAVVVYYY!!" around the office.
Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.
For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...
Due to events outside of my control, this week's recap will likely be a little light on the photographs. I will instead paint a picture with words...
8=====D
Ok, not necessarily words, but you get the idea. So last week's Raw, out of the lovely panhandle of Florida, opened with the stately home of Randy "Kissable" Orton, promising us that we would hear from young buck later in the night. Because it made more sense for WWE to send a camera crew to his house rather than Orton simply come to the show.
I mean, wouldn't YOU rather be in Jacksonville?
Shawn Michaels came out and was saying how he's going to beat Undertaker right into the Gulf of Mexico at Wrestlemania. Then, shockingly, a video aired of all of Undertaker's wins at the Super Bowl of wrestling. You know (tm), the kind of video that can make Spike Dudley look like the baddest man on the planet. But this was the Deadman, so that kind of applies.
Why the hate?
So the video aired, and then Undertaker appeared behind HBK to the surprise of EVERYONE!
What was a surprise was that there's going to be an Intercontinental Title match! Champ CM Punk versus JBL. Oh man, ethics versus capitalism! This is such a grudge match.
JBL wins. Whew...we can finally get a little prestige back to the IC belt. Do you realize that's the title of Road Dogg, D'Lo Brown and Albert? CM Punk shouldn't even be allowed to buy a replica of that belt.
Now we're whisked off to the Orton estate, into the sitting room where Randy is flanked by his wife, who looks less like a caring wife and more like an out-of-work model looking to make a buck. (MARK ALERT: Oh wait, she is.) Randy says something like, "I could have killed Triple H, but I'd rather risk losing at Wrestlemania for the sake of fair fight."
Maryse and Melina fought. Doesn't really matter; Double K wasn't really involved.
Vickie Guerrero announced there would be a 25 Diva match at Wrestlemania, featuring current and former Divas. Weeeeeeee.
Now it's time for the big contract signing. It seems like things would go a lot smoother if they would just do these things quietly in a back room somewhere, rather than right out in the middle of the ring, but I'm not a wrestler, so what do I know?
Of course, Cena interferes again. Did you really think he wouldn't? You're on Raw. That's where he works. Seriously, think this stuff out.
Mr. Cena makes himself part of the Wrestlemania title match. How? It turns out that Cena had a little incriminating evidence against Vickie. He rolls some footage of her and Big Show mugging out while Edge was off in the shower at an earlier show. The audience laughs. Cena shrugs and says she's "got some 'splainin to do." More audience laughter. I'm glad adultery is such riot here on Earth-53.
It's now time for another Money in the Bank qualifying match. We have Kofi Kingston facing Chris Jericho. Well, this should be a cakewalk for Lionheart. But wait!
It's Ric Flair! And his interference caused Jericho to lose!
Ok, so he didn't really interfere; he just stood at the top of the ramp and watched. He interfered about as much as a regular fan does. But his presence is enough to cause a man to lose.
Afterward, Jericho challenged Flair to a match next week (tonight!) on Raw. Way to go on that retirement, Ric. Really making it stick. So glad I got so emotional at last year's Wrestlemania. DAMN IT, FLAIR, LEAVE THE MEMORIES ALONE.
Alright...finally, we have the present members of Legacy facing Triple H in a handicap match. Seriously - Trips, Edge, Big Show, Maryse...aren't ALL YOU PEOPLE ON SMACKDOWN?? Get back over there. Not you, Hunter. You can stay.
Anyway, HHH doesn't show for his match, therefore losing by forfeit. Great, right?! Nope, Randy's not happy with that, because he wanted Trips to take a beating. And where is he anyway? Oh, what's that Randy? Someone's knocking at your door with a sledgehammer? Now who could that be?
IT'S TRIPLE H! HE'S NOT IN JACKSONVILLE AT ALL!
Hunter hunts (tee hee) Randy through the house, and about a dozen people come skittering out of closets until he finally finds him in a little side room. They brawl; Orton gets tossed through a window; HHH goes to jail; show over.
What's going to happen tonight?! Well, if I knew that, I would tell you. We're going to have to find out at 9/8c on USA!
Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.
We've got a lot to get to and not a lot of time to do it, so let's spare any witticisms and jump right down in the smack!
First, Maryse defended her Diva's title against someone who's not important. What is important is that Michelle McCool did some monotone color commentary during her match!
And after Maryse won the Women's champ from Raw, Melina, attacked her because she's jealous! (so I assume.)
Not pictured: My tounge.
But then Michelle put her petty squabbles with Maryse away and stood up for the blue team!
Also, Wrestlemania is coming up soon, and there's a big, eight-man ladder match people need to qualify for! We have to Money in the Bank (is that really safe anymore?) qualifiers tonight, and our first one is Matt Hardy took on the recently streaking (mind out of the gutter, people) MVP!
So that happened.
Also, Shelton Benjamin took on someone sort of resembling Jeff Hardy!
Black wife beater? Check. Leggings on your arms? Check. Bad makeup? No check?
Fast paced action ruled the blue canvas! Jeff Hardy was all set to win the match and be well on his way to being WWE champion again when-!
"I stand alone in this pit of danger! (Wrrrrroooonn wrooonnn!)"
Oh no! What's Matt doing there?! He's going to distract Jeff and cost him the match! Why is he doing into the ring!?
"Muahahha! Another successful plan!", a diabolical Matt Hardy mused to himself.
NO! He punched Shelton? Why would he not attack his brother he hates so much? Shhh...let's listen to ring announcer Justin Roberts...
"And the winner of this match by disqualification...Shelton Benjamin!"
You know (tm), because the ref clearly has not been watching the company he's employed by, so he had no idea of Matt's vendetta against his brother, so the blatant DQ was only meant to help Jeff. It all makes perfect sense.
Anyway, look for Shelton to pretty much kill himself on that ladder and then be pushed down the card for the remainder of the year.
In World title news, Edge and the Big Show were going to sign the contract for their title match at Wrestlemania.
You'd figure they'd have an attorny or two present...mabe a noterary?
Both men signed the contract, which should have made their match official. But not in the court of John Cena, as he came out and decimated both men!
Then he whispered something in GM Vickie Guerrero's ear and we're going to have a do over on Monday.
Finally, in our main event, WWE champion (and not pedorast) HHH took on the Samoan Bulldozer (don't know how that's different then an American one, but whatever), Umaga!
Guess who won?
He's been lost in America ever since he lost his handler...
But he didn't win how you think he would. No, Smackdown this week was DQ city, as Randy Orton and his Legacy came in and beat HHH down within an inch of his miserable life. Hmm, if HHH was only half the man a middle aged Shane McMahon is he would have sent the Legacy on a one way trip down the Whambulence!
Why have a sandwich when you can have a MANwich!?
Oh well, you win some, you lose some. It's all in a days work! Tune in, 8/7c onto MyNetwork TV while you still can!
America has its share of perversions. Far be it from either of us to cast shame or judge anyone; you might assume that two grown men running an internet blog dedicated to the microscopically small subgroup of professional wrestling comedy are slightly eccentric. We'd be the first ones to agree. But we behave ourselves like normal people in all other areas of life.
However, not everyone is as functionally crazy as we are. Not in America, and certainly not in other countries, because no matter how nuts Americans are, foreigners do it with an accent. We don't get a lot of the day-to-day news from across the pond, and the stuff that does filter across is that special form of weird that could cross the ocean without the aid of trans-Atlantic cables. The kind of stuff that lets us pad our brow with a monogrammed handkerchief and sigh, "At least I haven't done that." Which leads us to the subject of today's entry into the LOL, Wresslin' unread archives.
Allow us to introduce 32-year-old Mark Godsall. He's from Briton Ferry, Neath. That's in the United Kingdom.
Find it yourself.
Mr. Godsall was sentenced to a two-year community and supervision order, which is akin to probation over here, but the British have to act like they invented the English language and use as much of it whenever possible. He also has 120 hours of community service and will be listed as a sex offender for five years.
So what did he do? Mr. Godsall wrote a letter to a couple of sisters, aged four and five years, within which is expressed his desire to have sex with them. He then hand-delived the letter to the house where they lived. Luckily, the two young girls never read it; unluckily, their father did. Naturally, he called the cops (the bobbies?) and here we are today.
Mr. Godsall claimed to not have any sexual intentions, but rather he only meant it as a joke. In this, we feel his pain. We've written plenty of things that no one finds funny (over 130 of them!). They also found that he was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. Aside from sounding like a particularly unappetizing fast food item, Asperger's is characterized by a difficulty in understanding body language or facial expressions, difficulty communicating, and obsession with an item or routine. Makes you think twice about asking for help when your baseball goes over Mr. Godsall's fence.
Alright, so why does this story make it from the pile on the LOL, Wresslin' desk? Because Mr. Goodsall signed the letter "HHH." During a police interview, Mr. Godsall said he was a big fan of professional wrestling and his favorite superstar is Triple H. Puts a whole new spin on that letter.
Company time was spent making this picture.
How did police track the letter to Mr. Godsall in the first place? One would think the fatal flaw in the plan was hand-delivering the letter, but LOL, Wresslin' contends that in fact it was the signature on the note that sealed the case. Chances are the family would not assume a Connecticut blue-blood such as a Hunter Hearst Helmsley would proposition two young girls from somewhere in Wales. So obviously it would be found to be a fake name, and all signs point to the culprit at that point, the only guy on the block that dresses as a barbarian and jams out to "King of Kings."
Mark Godsall. Probably.
He would have been better served using the name William Regal. Or perhaps Finlay. We all know the Irish do crazy things when they're drunk, which is all the time. Maybe even the British Bulldog.
Sure, he's dead now, but check out that smug look. Something's going on.
In any case, the WWE will take their yearly tour of the UK after Wrestlemania 25, so if we were Mr. Godsall, we'd stock up on some sledgehammers for self-defense. We all know Trips is a fine, upstanding citizen.
On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.
So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.
Better at naming stuff than us.
The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your ultimate tribute to Raven (even the special "dark version") ain't gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.
There's no point in hiding the big surprise that happens right through here. The title spoils it, and since TNAWrestling posted the video, we can assume that they aren't much for suspense. Suspended NFL "star" Adam "Pacman" Jones (cute, Matt) had signed with TNA wrestling during his NFL sabbatical and made his debut with the company the previous Sunday at Hard Justice. Of course, what prompted this suspension? Steroids? Nope. Attacking a ref (which would put him right at home in professional wrestling)? Nah. He was involved in the shooting of a strip club bouncer.
Naturally, a real stand up citizen like this is someone you want to be affiliated with. He can only bring positive attention! Look at the USA Today article (which clearly looks like it's been placed above the fold) or the in depth analysis Sports Illustrated did or that Chicago Sun-Times header! All good news for Total Nonstop Action!
But of course, it don't amount to nothin' until we hear the real story from the horse's mouth. You see, Pacman was jumped on Sunday and wheeled out on a stretcher. Who knows who did it? Pacman has one idea (Ron Killings who know wrestles as R-Truth for Smackdown), so please hush, and listen to the mush mouth drivel that comes out.
"Where I'm from we don't play it like that. Face to face. Man to man."- well that would be Atlanta, GA. Home of the WCW. Well, I seem to remember the nWo ganging up on people and jumping them all the time, so already we're off to a bad start, Pac.
"If you ain't gonna bring it, don't sing it." Well that rhymes and is an ironic statement considering how Ron "The Truth" Killings is a musician when he's not wrestling. And as if this was all preplanned, the song "What's Up?" plays and out dances The Truth as he screams "What's up?!" to the crowd. Pacman, eager as any fan, replies back with a "What's up!?" This is where the entire segment falls apart. Seriously. Firstly, Killings comes out to cut a serious promo, but is doing a song and dance routine before hand. Also, as the title suggests, he turns heel. So why is he pandering the crowd? Then Pacman, overheated with the excitement of the moment, takes off his shirt. Don't get me wrong, he's in sick shape, but not for a pro wrestler. He looks tiny compared to Mike Tenay, let alone The Truth!
So puny without your bodyguards and guns, Adam.
Anyway, now it's time for Ron to speak the truth!
He's eating Fozzy Bear
"So I did my own research on Adam Jones." Really? Thanks truth! That's very sweet of yo-oh. Pacman. Argh! He has besmirched my good name again!
Doesn't matter anyway. Everything Ron said didn't apply to me anyway.
Once again, the greatest team sport athlete ever grabs the stick and captivates us with his scintillating speech patterns.
"And I had to go to the e-mer-gen-see-room."
Why the staccato Adam? Seriously? It almost sounds like you had trouble saying that line in rehearsal, but...this isn't rehearsed...right? Right?
As stated above, Killings turns heel, starts a tag team with Jones, and the two walk off to punch Showtime Eric Young in the back. That was the most heelish thing they did because other then that they mug to the crowd and do face like things even though they are meant to garner heat. Seriously, it's dumb.
Sometimes I defend TNA. Seriously. I'd like it to be good. And my personality is more in line with underdogs then big time programs. But this is just bad. It makes me embarrassed for anyone in the company. Here's what Pacman Jones did in his four months in TNA:
Never did anything physical, per his real contract.
Won the TNA Tag Title despite not wrestling (beat Kurt Angle and Sting)
Would "make it rain" after winning matches, a recreation of his behavior that led to the bouncer getting shot.
And you'd figure TNA would learn? But nope, they're going to keep hitching their wagon to worthless celebrities. They just signed some Survivor winner to a deal (NSFW link), and they're going to have Danny Bonaduce wrestle in a cage match next month (ok, that idea is kind of inspired.) But does this equal money? Would anyone buy a PPV to see Pacman Jones not wrestle? Well, yes, since all wrestling PPV's don't have him wrestling. But now they're paying him money to not do it! It's dumb and makes them come off as second rate. As if "any press is good press" is a saying smart people use.
Oh well, if there's one silver lining, it's that this put Pacman Jones in a relationship with SpikeTV, so he is now on Pros vs Joes!
Sort of relevant.
Adam's video to Matt - Hulk Hogan's Rock 'n' Wrestling "Rowdy Roddy reforms"
Matt's response...
The following is a transcript of a pre-production meeting for Hulk Hogan's Rock 'n' Wrestling cartoon series. Held in the offices of DiC Entertainment on October 5th, 1986.
Producer: Alright guys, we're a week away from air, and we still need the second half of the next show. We've already got "My Fair Wrestler" in the can.
Writer #1: I love that one! Captain Lou speaking to Parliament. Genius!
Producer: Yeah, but I was wondering if we played up enough racial stereotypes with Junkyard in that...
Writer #2: I don't think so, but we'll make it up later.
Producer: Sounds good. So, any ideas for this one?
Writer #2: There's been an idea I've been kicking around in my head. What if we make Roddy Piper a good guy? But just for a bit.
Writer #1: Eh...I don't know about that. Sounds a little...zany.
Producer: Which is EXACTLY what I love about! Tell me, will there be antics?
Writer #2: Of course.
Producer: And whistle sound effects?
Writer #2: Naturally. When are there not?
Writer #1: Well, we have fallen off a bit on those...
Producer: Be sure and work some in. Even when nothing happens. Ok, so how does Piper reform?
Writer #1: Hey, that's a great title!
Writer #2: I was thinking maybe a court order.
Producer: Can the judge look like Gorilla Monsoon?
Writer #2: Why not?
Writer #1: Piper should try to bribe him with wrestling tickets.
Writer #2: The judge?
Writer #1: Yeah, to get out of punishment.
Writer #2: Why would Gorilla Monsoon need wrestling tickets?
Writer #1: Well, he only looks like Gorilla Monsoon. And it doesn't work, because the judge just gets mad and throws them out of court.
Producer: Great. Let's make sure to have the Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff act like buffoons in the court room. And they have to be cross-eyed.
Writer #2: Why?
Producer: They're foreign?
Writer #2: Good enough for me. "Justice..PHOOEY!"
All laugh hysterically. Five minutes pass.
Producer: Ok...ok. Whew. Ok, so Rowdy Roddy Piper-
Writer #1: Starscream?
Writer #2: I thought he was Cobra Commander.
Producer: No, no, it's Roddy Piper.
Writer #1: Well, he sounds...
Producer: I don't care what he sounds like. We've been over this before. As long as he's wearing a kilt, kids are going to know who he is. So how does Hogan fit into all this?
Writer #2: You mean the brother from Everybody Loves Raymond?
Producer: What?
Writer #2: Uh...nevermind. Ok, here's the deal. Hogan and Piper are driving side by side and they get into an argument, which causes Piper to take his eyes off the road and crash into a police car.
Writer #1: They should be arguing about music. For instance, Piper likes listening to boring classical music and Hogan listens to the Rocky theme all day.
Producer: Great! Can Piper cause Hogan's radio to change by flinging his windshield wiper onto Hogan's antenna?
Writer #1: How would that work?
Producer: Doesn't matter, just write it down.
Writer #1: ...ok...
Writer #2: Hey, when Piper crashes into the police car, Hogan should say, "I know how you like getting people from behind!"
Writer #1: Hahaha, inferring he's homosexual! I love it! Oh, and after the judge tells him he should relax, Piper says, "I am relaxed!" and then he growls!
Writer #2: Because he's so NOT relaxed! That's rad...we're rolling now!
Producer: Mean Gene should be in the police car when Piper gets tossed in. We can put him in prison stripes.
Writer #1: Why would he be wearing stripes if he were still in the police car?
Producer: Because he'd look funny. And a bow tie.
Writer #2: A bow tie with his prison outift? Why?
Producer: Situational irony?
Writer #2: I get it! I'll put that down. What else?
Writer #1: How do we get Roddy to change his attitude?
Writer #2: Hypnosis.
Writer #1: Ok...how does that work?
Writer #2: Uh...magic, I think. You just tell someone what you want them to do, and they do it. But you have to talk like a ghost and wave your fingers in front of their face to make it count.
Writer #1: Alright. And when he's nice, he tries to do all sorts of crazy things like plant flowers and say he's going to return the Iron Sheik's jeep to the dealer.
Writer #2: That came from a dealer? What kind of dealer would sell a huge jeep with spiked tires and a head scarf on it?
Producer: Doesn't matter. We're in a time crunch. No bad ideas here.
Writer #2: Alright. Well, at some point, he has to change back, and we'll need Hogan to do that because he's the only one that can piss Piper off enough to break the hypnosis.
Writer #1: Yeah! But this is where we turn the audience on their heads, because that seems like it should work, but it totally doesn't! They all go over to Hogan's pad to pick a fight. First, they ram his car.
Producer: And he runs out saying, "Who's the bimbo that hit my Hulkmobile?" He assumes it's a woman because he's a male chauvinist.
Writer #2: He is?
Producer: Obviously.
Writer #2: Ok, so Roddy offers to pay for the damage. And then they steal a barbell from Hogan and throw it through the wall of his place.
Writer #1: And Hogan demands a new barbell.
Writer #2: I think the barbell would be fine. He wouldn't ask for a new wall?
Producer: Move on. I like it how it is. One question: When the barbell gets thrown through the wall...whistle sound effect?
Writer #1: Naturally. Since Hogan can't make Roddy mean again, what does?
Writer #2: What are the cool kids into these days?
Producer: Rock 'n' roll?
Writer #1: Perfect. There you go.
Producer: I love it. Another hit. Get the lines together and I'll get them over to Snarf and Puddy.
Adam, a native of the Garden State, and Matt, a proud Texan, crossed paths at university. They discovered they're both really into very silly things. Contact them at lolwresslin@gmail.com
