R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Family Reunion

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

This Sunday marks the biggest party of the summer, Summerslam! Normally one of the "Big 4" PPV's, this year's event sort of reeks of "last minute science project." WWE has haphazardly thrown together the card so much that I honestly feel that if they can't do the effort, why should I? So thus, Dolph Ziggler did something to show he's ready for Rey Mysterio and KANE beat up Ranjan Singh, who it turns out is The Great Khali's brother.



No, let's concentrate on the big ticket matches at Summerslam. First off, CM Punk is in a world title TLC match. So what better way to prepare for this match then taking on the man he never beats, John Morrison!

Melina?

Anyway, shock of all shocks, WWE booked a heel in a credible fashion! Punk actually won the match! And not by cheating or nuthin! Just won a hard fought match where both competitors looked strong.

Morrison must be a big fan of Wrestlegasm's "Crotch Watch"

There's a tag title match between Jericho/Big Show and Cryme Tyme. Big Show took on JTG to avenge Jericho's loss last week. It went kinda like this:

It's very subtle

Finally, WWE did the most original booking ever and had their top baby face take on two heels in a handicap match! Wow, what a freaking surprise.

"Are handicap matches so over done they're putting you to sleep, Jeff?"

"Naw man. I was just mixxing alchol with muscle relaxers."

Of course, the heels in this particular main event were the Hart Dynasty, because they are Canadian and Smackdown was in Edmonton last week. They are, of course from Calgary, a neighboring town which has nothing but love for their Alberta brethren.

Right...

Still, Jeff Hardy is no John Cena, and thus could not fend off two men who are in peak physical condition. Maybe he'd of done alright if he had 45 year-old Shane McMahon in his corner?

If you get this go kill yourself.

No you fool! Only throw Brett Favre off of the top rope!

And the Canadian fans are very proud of their country men following the script.

So that should of been it, but it wasn't! Those super bad Harts started beating some sense into the drug addict, when the other drug addict top face came out to save the day! And what did he get for his troubles? A chair in the back from CM Punk!

"Perhaps you didn't get the memo. Canada is bizzaro land, so chairs are used for HITTING!"

Now done with Morrison, Punk then turned his attention to Jeff Hardy to finish what he started last week.


When...MATT HARDY(!) came out to save the day! But he used to hate his brother! What changed?

"My brother is leaving for a few months so he can get high and Smackdown needs new baby faces?"

Hmm, I guess we'll find out tonight as we go home to Summerslam! 8/7c, MyNetwork TV, or anytime on hulu.com!

Where the superstars come out to play

As you're aware, we here at LOL, Wresslin' generally focus on Raw or Smackdown. Why? It's easier, and we're lazy. However, it's fun to branch out from time to time, and that's what we're doing today.

WWE has another show that's sort of flying under the radar (not you, ECW). It's called "WWE Superstars," and features talents from all brands in what you might call a variety wrestling show. Sometimes it promotes a storyline; sometimes it's just for fun. This is where you'll see wrestlers of all stripes lock-up and do battle.

"Superstars" airs at 8/7c and is broadcast on WGN America, formerly WGN Superstation, perhaps the last superstation on the air. For the laypeople out there, a superstation is basically a non-network station whose content is rebroadcast nationwide, yet isn't a cable station either. Get all that?

Just think the old TBS Superstation back in the day, where you could watch WCW Saturday Night and then Atlanta Braves baseball, whether you wanted to or not. In fact, WCW Saturday Night reminds us a lot of WWE Superstars. Kicking back, watching talent from up and down the roster on a station from some town we've never heard of.

Atlanta? Chicago??!

So, as is custom here at LOL, Wresslin', let's take a look at what happened last week on the show.

Goldust hooked up with Sheamus (not like that you sicko). They just made out a little bit. In this match pitting the green versus the gold, it seemed everything was falling in Sheamus's favor. But Goldust tripped him up with an inside cradle, and it was all the she wrote for that mick.

If that wasn't exciting enough for you, rising L, W' fav John Morrison faced David Hart Smith. It's hard to bet against the Friday Night Delight, even if this match is Canada, and it's a good thing we didn't. Morrison topped the new Hart family dynasty, but we're not so sure a little finagling from Vince didn't go down. Another screwjob, perhaps??

Much like in our previous match with Sheamus, everything was looking good for Barry Horowitz when he faced off with Glacier. Horowitz gets in a good amount of reversals, including putting his boots up to stop a fist drop from Glacier. A Russian leg sweep here and there, and this is Barry's match to lose, which he does. Glacier puts on the Ice Pick, and that's the bell.

Finally, World Tag Team Champs Scott Riggs and Marcus Bagwell, aka The American Males, defended their titles against Harlem Heat. It's clear to us who won, judging only from the entrance music.



But we were wrong. Booker and Stevie easily got the win in this match, knocking the Boys down from their pedestal.

As you can see, this is great show! Drama and action all in one! Be sure to catch WWE Superstars, Saturday night on WGN America at 6:05 Eastern!

W.W.W. featuring Ric Flair and Sam Roberts

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your armpit fart medley of Dean Malenko themes a'int going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Matt's video to Adam- Ric Flair reveals shocking photos of him with Miss Elizabeth!



Adam's response...

The first thing everyone notices about a professional wrestler is his entrance music. We've written about this many times. The Nature Boy Ric Flair has had Stauss's (correct grammar) "Also Sprach Zarathustra" for almost his entire career. It's almost as important to his entire being just as much as the stylin', profilin' and figure-four's are. I say "almost" because honestly, Slick Ric could have had this and just been fine. Why? Because it's accurate and true.

Unlike you, Flair's been around the world. And also unlike you, he's been with many, many girls.

Which makes this storyline involving Randy Savage and his blushing bride Elizabeth so wonderful. Sure, anytime a man insinuates he's mowing another man's lawn it's serious. But this is Randy and Elizabeth! The same Randy who was so possessive of her beauty that he'd lock her in a closet at the arena so as other men wouldn't flirt with her. So when Naitch unleashes his master plan, well, let's just say shits gonna get reeeeeeeelllll.

"OOOO yeaaaa! I don't trust my co-workers or wife! Dig it!"

And what is this plan? Why, to show off a copy of an upcoming WWF magazine. Or as Flair calls it, "more than just a magazine" even though it isn't. On the cover, some poorly laid out stock photographs. Inside? Slick Ric shows off some shots from his personal collection. He uses these photos as the basis for his insight into Elizabeth's mindset (which he chooses to describe using language only a third rate romance novel would use.)


Now as for the photograph. For a candid photo between two people together at the time, it sure has a lot of professional sheen on it. Seriously, who poses for photos like that? Did he someday know she'd marry Savage and he'd be facing him for the World Title at Wrestlemania VIII?


Now for a legendary cooze hound like Flair, he sure is inconsistent with his put down. Telling someone that so-and-so is your sloppy seconds is the best diss ever (and apparently, can get you suspended for half an NHL season), but then coming back and saying how he'll take her back whenever? Attraction doesn't work that way, Naitch. You can't call another man's wife trash and then offer to give her a ride on Space Mountain anytime she likes.

Of course, I'm still single, so what do I know?

And johnnyfairbanks, nice job cutting the video off at the climax, shitdick.

Adam's video to Matt - Prime Time Sam Roberts interviews Wrestlemania 25 superstars



Matt's response...

Hey Adam, what's the haps?

Or is it happs? I'm going to have to consult "Being a Douchebag" on that one.


Obviously, my first instinct is to rip on the guy for that bit, but I'll let it go. Interesting the first person whom they showed catch on to it was Mark Henry, or as YouTube user "FartScrap" called him, the "big shadow in the tan suit." It was a funny enough way to start the segment, I suppose.

Not being an "Opie and Anthony" mark like Adam is, I'm not familiar with Prime Time Sam Roberts. He's alright though, and the wrestlers seem to like him well enough. Anytime you can have a light-hearted and congenial conversation with Trips about Vince McMahon's death, you must be a decent guy. That was his father-in-law, after all.

After his silly bit, he actually has some interesting questions for these guys. I particularly enjoyed him asking Roddy Piper about Hell Comes to Frogtown, seeing as how I'm one of the hundred people in America that own that movie.

Proof.

Piper's response of "we have an asshole here" is such wonderful "Piperness" also.

As is Flair's declaration that they don't have the word "not succeed" in their vocabulary.

I'm not finding it in mine either...

I guess I can rate the interviewees on how interesting they were during their interview. Now, sometimes that's unfair, because a subject can only be as good as their interviewer allows them to be, but a lot can be said for exuding a certain kind of presence that shines through no matter what.

6. Eve and Kelly Kelly
I'm not sure if this is part of the reason why Adam sent me this, but let me make it clear to him that I don't like Kelly Kelly for the way she answers questions. Seriously, could these two be any more boring? At least Mickie James would have offered you some squirrel jerky or something.


5. Edge
Controversial pick? I don't think so. Edge never impressed me all that much with his personality to begin with, and he doesn't pick up any points here. Don't be political! Say that it was gross to kiss Vickie! We all know it!

Seriously dude. WE ALL KNOW.

4. Mark Henry
This is where it starts getting close, because I really liked Mark Henry here. Ok, so he had the most generic answer in world when asked about Wrestlemania 25, but he made up for it talking about hair later on. And really, who doesn't want to hear Mark talk for long periods of time? Don't count me in that group!

3. Chris Jericho
It's nice to see Jericho out of character for a bit here. Really, there's nothing more to it than that. And they talk about big words.

That one I can find.

2. Roddy Piper and Ric Flair
It's hard not to pick these two as the best, but they seemed a little off. Maybe they just weren't in the mood to answer questions, or didn't feel like playing around. I can understand that; these two are legends and now some diphead is asking them "What's the happs?" They don't have time for that. Of course, it's funny when they talk about Hell Comes to Frogtown, and even funnier when Naitch reveals that he's never seen it. Very supportive of you, Flair.

1. Triple H
It's no secret that I'm a Triple H fan. Call me a front-runner if you will, but it's not just because he wins all the time. Actually, it's not about that at all. I always like his personality during interviews and he just seems to have a good time, which is certainly the case here. Obviously these two have a bit of a history, and it's fun to seem the play off that. But mainly I just like to see the Cerebral Assassin not assassinating people. I actually stayed up to watch him on "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon," if that tells you anything. Worth viewing, if only for The Roots playing "King of Kings."

Scout's honor

Times are tough. These next few years could be the most important of our short lives, as we decide our planet's future. Now, more then ever we need to look towards a model of American ideals. Someone who encompasses intelligence, intensity, and integrity.


No, not Kurt Angle. He's a bit...preoccupied at the moment. No, we need new heroes. We need men to take us forward. We believe we have found this man. He hails from Smalltown, USA. He is "The Man Scout" Jake Manning.

We don't think those are uniforms trunks though...

Armed with only his canteen and trusty Scout guidebook, Mr. Manning yearns to bring back civil service and nature preservation to this wonderful world of ours. He is the head and founder of the Man Scout organization, making him immediately more accomplished then 99% of professional wrestlers. Still, don't take our word for it.







And of course, if someone won't be the Good Samaritan that he is, well, the Man Scout will have to work that much harder to get his message across.



So where can one find the Man Scout? Well, he's a bit of an elusive character. He mostly resides in the east coast independent wrestling scene (further proving that LOL, Wresslin' is the preeminent professional wrestling comedy blog on the net, since we cover the indys now), but we like to think that he lives everywhere in our hearts. His example lives on through his Youtube page and official website Myspace. Feel free to drop us a line, Man Scout. We'd love to get some more in depth information from you and your ideals. Also, you'll need to bust out the thread and needle, since we've decided to give you quite the honor. Yes, it's true. For the second week in a row we're giving out the BFG. Enjoy your Seal of Awesomeness merit badge!

OH BABY, I like it Raw! North of disorder

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

Time crunch, folks! That means lightning update! You can get back to your fried food that much quicker!

Raw was out of Calgary, Alberta, Canada, Earth last night, the stomping ground of one Bret "The Shitman" Hart. Of course, he wasn't there. Doesn't mean WWE didn't take advantage of the fans though.

Our guest host this week (last week!) was the late great Sergeant Slaughter! He was there to promote GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra!

Uh...what's that? He wasn't? Well, that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, seeing as how he was a GI Joe action figure and all. Oh, you mean he's not going to do that because WWE doesn't want to piss off JAKKS, the maker of their action figures, by cutting a deal to cross promote with Hasbro?

We'll always remember. But honestly, learn how to hold a nightstick.

Seeing as how the WWE can't leave these poor Canadian fans alone, Slaughter was cast as the heel for the night, constantly ripping on/telling the truth about Canada. Each segment started with him apologizing for the one before, then trying to set things right again, only to put over America even further. They even went so far as to play Bret Hart's music, then have Hacksaw Jim Duggan come out and wave the American flag. It was like all the fans in attendance were that dude from The Crying Game

Leave them alone. They've had enough.

As for the wrestling, I'll post this one picture...


...and then tell you that Miz won back his spot on Raw by posing as the Calgary Kid and winning a contract-on-the-pole by beating Eugene. But really, beating Eugene is like winning a wrestling match at the Special Olympics. Oh wait...

Randy Orton showed that he had a brain by doing what I always suggest to do: walk out on a match against the Big Show. Just leave. It's not for any belt, and even if you win, chances are you would get sat on at some point, so it's not worth it.

MVP beat Chris Masters. I wouldn't write more on that match even if I had all day.

Legacy beat Mark-swoggle and Hornswoggle. Of course, they didn't beat the Strongest Man Alive; they pinned the midget, also proving they have a brain. At least, one between the both of them.

At the end of the night, Cena won in a match against Chris Jericho thanks to Randy Orton. Slaughter saw this as an opportunity to put Cena and Orton against the Unified Tag Team Champions next week (this week!), at the announcement of which, the two rivals at SummerSlam starting clearing the ring together, looking like the best Tag Team in the last ten years. Seems odd considering Orton's persona, but who cares about consistency, right?

Oh, and Triple H found Shawn Michaels working as a cook at an office building cafeteria. They joked around. Shawn finally kicked his boss and a ten-year-old girl in the face, and it looks like HBK will be showing up at SummerSlam, just like the promotional material said he would.

Ok, tune in tonight, as guest host Freddie Prinze, Jr. will put his own sta-WHAT?! FREDDIE PRINZE, JR.?! I don't even think I can watch tonight at 9/8c on USA.

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Family Connundrum

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

O Canada, our home and native land....


Sorry, Stars and Stripes. I'm a little too excited for tonight's Smackdown, as it's taking place in beautiful Edmonton, Alberta! Where this guy was born!


Still, before all the excitement cant begin, we gotta know what happened last week. To start, a brand new Smackdown superstar made his debut! He goes by the moniker of Slammaster J, which is a take off of Grand Master B from Married with Children.


He took on Smackdown's resident Seal of Awesomness, Charlie Haas!


Since one guy has been getting TV time lately and one hasn't it's not too easy to see who won this match.

Hat forward- Bud Bundy. Hat backwards- Grandmaster B

JTG of Cryme Tyme decided to fight mano-o-mano with one half of the unified tag champs: former Grand Slam champion Chris Jericho! Clearly a man who has never won a title before would have no chance against a wrestler who is just now, doing his best work ever, despite having the most impressive of resumes.

I think this is why the Civil War was fought

See? History has a way of repeating itself all the time. Sure, Cryme Tyme's uncle may be in the White House, but that doesn't mean a wealthy Canadian can't ride a black man without repercussions.

Above: repercussions

Whoops.

Someone named Ricky Ortiz lost to the Great Khali.

LOL, Wresslin'wishes you all the best in your future endeavors.

Dolph Ziggler beat a bunch of people to win the right to cheat to beat Rey Mysterio for the IC title at Summerslam. But the story isn't so much the match, but the people he beat.


I'm going to focus on the gentleman to the right, Mike Knox (OMG!!!). Apparently being dumped by Kelly Kelly for The Miz of all people can take a tole on a man's psyche. Never much of a looker, Mr Knox (OMG!!!) seems to have fallen into a pit of hot pockets and loneliness. And there doesn't seem to be any Mach 3's there either.

I really need to see the suit he wears at the next Hall of Fame ceremony

Finally, there was a world title match tonight. Actually...there were two! The first one ended when Jeff Hardy got himself DQ'd. GM Teddy Long decided to holler at that bad decision, and issue a rematch for this very night (last week!)! But there is a stipulation. There will be a super secret, special guest enforcer to make sure nothing like that Jeff Hardy DQ ever happens again. Someone tough and unbiased. Or Matt Hardy.

Which Hardy has worse paint on right now?

Punk, powered by his sense of self worth (much like Ed Begley Jr) went all out to make sure he won his first ever, legit title match. He was strong on offense,

So much tension!

And even better on defense!

Knees up? That's new...

They say coming down from that high really kills

This was going to be it! Punk was going to win! The ref is counting to three when...special enforcer Matt Hardy pulls the ref out of the ring!!?!? WHY!? You mean to tell me that Matt Hardy took advantage of Teddy Long's trust? What a bad egg! Oh well Punk, hold your head up high. Your strong valor will win the day again.

Goddammit CM....

Great man. Great. You'll never get your rematch no-. Oh, Teddy Long is now hollerin' about a TLC match at Summerslam? But that's Jeff's expertise. You have no experience in high profile ladder matches.


Oh well. Smackdown's in Canada tonight, so I have no idea when or where it airs. Still, it'll be on hulu.ca eventually.

Recession-era spending (on WWE stuff!)

We found out during WWE's conference call with investors last week that the Consumer Products division saw a sharp decline in the second quarter over last year.

What is that, you ask? Well, think of "consumer products" as all the crap you buy, save for tickets and PPVs. The merch - DVDs, shirts, mugs, hats, and even those cute little WWE teddy bears we're so fond of.

Now, WWE explains that they've been doing rather well during a tough economy, and things were just going to catch up to them eventually. Also, they've done hardly any promotion for their DVD releases, to which you might say "What DVD releases?", which is their point exactly.

The Laugh Twins are not above the rest of you when it comes to being tight on money. We had to cancel that third hot tub we were going to have installed in the LOL Cave, and stopped popped five bottles of Dom P every other night. We also traded in the gas-guzzling LOL Mobile for a more fuel efficient LOL Hybrid.

It has pedals and a motor, therefore a hybrid.

We thought we'd scour WWE Shopzone to find you the best deals to be had in these times when you're pinching every penny.


Jeff Hardy "Immune to Fear" beach towel

Right off the bat, we have this bad boy on sale for under $14. Sporting a picture of Jeff Hardy's face, this towel screams, "My name is _____, and I have a problem." It's also adorned with all sorts of words that describe the fearless Jeff Hardy, like "fear." Of course, being a Jeff Hardy product, this thing is popular. "Izzy" of Centralia, Illinois says:

love it but this is one thing i would not take to the beach with me. someone may take it

We agree! At this price, this thing is certainly a steal!

Nunzio Deluxe Agression action figure

Oddly enough, "deluxe," "agression," and "action" are three words we would never use to describe Nunzio, but for seven bucks, can you get much better? No one has reviewed this, but that's probably just because they're too busy playing with it! The description says "Collect all your favorite superstars." Apparently, this person couldn't even be bothered to put an exclamation point at the end of that sentence. Also, for your seven dollars, this figure comes complete with packaging! Don't worry that it'll be shipped loose in a box!

Be careful though, because we're warned

***WHILE SUPPLIES LAST***

However, we somehow think that's not going to be a problem.

WWE Superstars comforter

Allow us to set the scene: You've just spent the night hanging at a party with your boys. You find a young lass there, and both of you engage in conversation over two cold bottles of Smirnoff Ice. Eventually, as these things do, the talk turns a little bawdy, and you whisk the female back to your efficiency. You dig through your collection of paper matches, using one to light a couple candles and then she's greeted by the cartoon image of the Undertaker staring up from your Full-size bed.

Some of you may think that would be a deal killer, but what better way to make a girl feel secure than sleeping under the watchful eye of the Deadman? Or Batista or John Cena for that matter? Make sure she knows she's in for a "Smackdown," and tonight is gonna be "Raw!"

Boogeyman figurine ornament

There are certain things that, whenever you think of them, you can't help but have memories of Christmas - a warm fire as snow falls outside; the smell of sugar cookies in the oven, or fresh cider in your mug; the radio playing Bing Crosby; a legendary ghost-like creature that is an ambiguous embodiment of terror in the minds of children.

Alright, even we can't pretend on this one. It's hard to imagine that anyone purchased anything related to the Boogeyman, much less a Christmas ornament. However, at $4.49, you really have to ask yourself "Why not?"

D-Generation X yarmulke

Who says dressing for the synagogue means leaving your crotch-chop at the door? We can't think of a better to practice Judaism and remind yourself that God is always above you than supporting a blue-blood from Connecticut and hard-partying "sexy boy" turned Born-Again Christian. We think this review says it all:

Title: WOOOW!!!!!!

Reviewed By: Benjamin Mordaci Goldstien, Birmingham Alabama on 3/26/2009
This is so awesome!! I get so many compliments when I go to the synagogue!!!

He would be from Birmingham, wouldn't he?


We think with these few items, you can not only have some kick-ass stuff, but you can save some of that hard-earned money of yours. The clearance section of WWEShop.com is actually quite an amazing treasure chest, though there are a few things we wish we could find there. Such as a wrestling-themed Zubaz workout pants.

There are way more than a thousand words in this picture.