Tell me another lie

Today is a sad day on earth-53. We've lost one of our own. Yes, Jamie Noble has retired Brock Lesnar is really sick and will probably have to retire. We'll pour a 40 on the curb for you, dude.



Now, we hear some of you snickering. "Oh, those Laugh Twins are at it again! Making a big deal over nothing, lulz." Well shut up! Jamie Noble Brock Lesnar (kinda) rules! No joke. His entire career has been marked by nothing short of excellence. He started in WCW WWE as part of the tag team The Jung Dragons The Next Big Thing, who had the gimmick of being Asian guys fucking scary. Jamie, not being an Asian, wore a mask, thereby breaking down racial barriers for decades to come! Then, he took of his mask and formed another tag team with some dude named Evan Karagias, forming a tag team called "Noble & Karagias." Brilliant name, surpassed only by "Above Average" Mike Sanders. Brock was managed by Paul Heyman and has lots of tattoos.

This should answer your next question

When the WWF bought WCW, Noble was one of the 22 wrestlers whose contracts WWF decided to pick up from the old fed. That's right. They didn't take Goldberg, or Hogan, or Sting, or even Flair. Nope. Jaime Noble made the cut. That right there is evidence of his might. Brock was quickly brought into the main event scene, by winning the 2002 King of the Ring. Then he beat the Rock at Summerslam 2002 to win the Undisputed Championship. Soon after, Smackdown signed him to an exclusive contract, so Raw just gave HHH a championship, thereby disputing his championship. He also beat the Undertaker in a Hell in a Cell match, but this is tainted since the Undertaker was alive as The American Badass (Deadman Undertaker can't be beat! ;))

Then he almost died attempting to shooting star onto Kurt Angle at Wrestlemania XIX.

Eventually, he got tired of wrestling (read, didn't want to give back), and jobbed to Goldberg at Wrestlemania XX (where the shows final moment ended with both champions being dead within four years.)

Once in out of the loving arms of Vince McMahon, JamieBrock was able to be the real Jamie Brock. He became a good old country boy, living in his trusty trailer with his girlfriend Nidia Rena "Sable" Mero (who just so happened to have recently won WWF Tough Enough I some sexually transmitted diseases). He also brought in his cousin, Nunzio, to WWE. Which makes perfect sense because the Italians are a race of people who frequently copulate with other races. tried out to play in the NFL, despite not having played football in over a decade. He played defensive end and was cut by the Minnesota Vikings in the preseason. He wisely decided to not play in NFL Europe.

The good fortune didn't stop there, as Jamie and Nidia won the lottery and lived in hog heaven for a brief period. All until Tajiri, still mad about that Jung Dragons thing, decided to spit black mist in Nidia's face, blinding her. Jamie decided to get some ass on the side, since she was blind. Also, he thought he'd get away with it because on earth-53, the wrestlers never see what the crowd sees. Anyway, the two of them had a blindfold match which Jamie won because men are the dominate sex. Brock went back to wrestling, this time in Japan. He fought Kurt Angle for the IWGP Heavyweight title and won. Miraculously, no one broke their neck.



Anyway, JamieBrock went back to WWE a worked sport and was part of SmackdownUltimate Fighting Championship for a longshort time. He lost a bunch of Cruiserweight title matches fight, which sucks, but he also had a pretty awesome feud against Chuck Palumbo won the UFC championship at UFC 100. Basically, he beat the former homosexual(s) a lot and got to steal lay upon his woman because of it. Check out the old cooze hound in action.



Then some albino some intestinal issue beat him up so bad that JamieBrock (probably) hads to retire. Relax though, "he doesn't have cancer or AIDS or anything like this."

Now, we know this may not seem like the most illustrious of careers. But honestly, what have you ever done? Can you look yourself in the mirror and say your half the man Jamie Noble Brock Lesnar is? Sure, he's short ginourmous! But he's bigsmall on heartintestines. And above all else, he was part of the greatest Velocity matchmilk drinking contest of all time!



Yea, we thought so.

OH BABY, I like it Raw! Don't worry...I'm UK

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



So Raw emanated from Sheffield, England last week, and our guest host was this boxer named Ricky Hatton, who's about the only athlete from the United Kingdom who's worth a damn. Believe me, that's not saying much.

Now, before you start to wonder, "What does Hatton have to do with the WWE?", I'll tell you. You see, one of Hatton's recent losses (I know, right? Which one?) came to some Filipino dude named Manny. On that night, Manny was escorted to the ring by a certain lonely gentleman the WWE Universe likes to call THE ANIMAL!!!!


So Hatton has some face to save, albeit somewhat tangentially. As is custom, the Unified Tag Champs want to come out and start some stuff with the guest host.

Even the WWE.com interns know it.

But ol' Ricky's not having any of that. He makes a match between Jeri-Tall and DX!! Already this week is turning out to be the same as last week!

We all know how original the English are. Just look at their signs!

For his second act of the night, Hatton steps things up and makes Alicia Fox go one-on-one with K-squared, meaning only one thing to me. PHOTO TIME!

That's what's been missing...

Of course, as you would expect when these two lock-up, things get pretty hot and heavy in the ring.


Alicia won.

Sheamus beat "a local competitor." When do they hold these try-outs to face a real WWE wrestler? I never see them posted anywhere when Raw comes to town. Maybe I'll try Craigs List...

Found it! They post some odd pictures though...

Evan Bourne finally beat someone. Of course, it was Jack Swagger, so we might want to save the bragging for another week.


Tension continued between the Legacy and Kofi's Kool Kompetitors, as they had words for each other during the VIP Lounge. And I'm glad Randy and his guard models came out too. It's not fair for Kofi, Mark Henry and MVP to come out on MVP's interview program and spout only their own views for a segment. There is such a thing called "equal time," and these three shouldn't be allowed hijack the airwaves simply because they have a friendly outlet. Good for Randy standing up for the voiceless!


Naturally, this meant someone had to fight someone, and those someone's were Randy Orton and Mark Henry. Randy would finally settle the pressing issue of who has the larger hog, and got the win over the World's Strongest Man. Seems like strength can't stand up to a viper bite!

After the match, Kofi and Randy got into a scuffle, and Orton had to retreat. He wasn't happy about it, though.

Also, this is your not-quite-weekly Cody Rhodes photoshop contest.

Chavo Guerrero decided that since there was a boxer on the show, they should try to answer that question that's been answered several times before, "Who would win between a boxer and a professional wrestler?" Allow me to provide you a little something from the WWE.com recap of this fight...

...Hatton bided his time, avoiding Chavo's clutch and waiting for just the right moment. That moment arrived several minutes into the bout...

That's right. This lasted more than a minute. Hatton won.

Finally, it's that historic match-up of Jeri-Tall and DX. Will strength and athleticism defeat pyros and crotch jokes?

Big Show is not impressed.

Show, of course, would be big and dumb again and accidentally punch Jericho, giving DX the ability to pin. I guess that pretty much wraps up the ni-

Thanks for the sexually suggestive pose, WWE camera guy.

Wait! That's the Undertaker!!! But he's on Smackdown!!! Apparently 'Taker is here early to let us know that next week's (this week's!) guest host, Rowdy Roddy Piper, got busy early and put him in a match for next week (this week)! A Triple Threat Tag Team match with DX, Jeri-Tall and...Cena and the Undertaker? Well, let's just see how this turns out! USA at 9/8c!

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Altered Beast

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Oh my! Lightning round today!

So Beth Phoenix continued to beat up jobbers, all the while WWE.com couldn't be bothered to remember the poor girl's name.

This poor girl reminds me of my second favorite part of watching TNA

In other jobber news, Drew McIntyre decided to walk that path to becoming a future world champion by having a match against Smackdown "superstar" Jimmy Wang Yang! Hmmm....one British guy who's in the middle of a push against someone we haven't seen on television in forever....this seems familiar.

Oh yea...

Anyway, McIntyre totally beat Wang (hehe) before the match started, but Wang wasn't quite licked (hehe.) The match actually took place, but McIntyre just laid down some uber pwnge.


CM Punk continued his feud with nobodies as he took on R-Truth. Now it may be "true" that Truth has the best entrance in Smackdown vs Raw 2010, but that doesn't mean he's more awesome then the Straight-Edge Superstar

Side note, now that Batista is a heel, him and Punk should start a tag team called "The Second City Masheen Gunz." All credit goes to Matt for that zinger.

Anyway, Truth sure did ask Punk "What's up?", didn't he?

Yea, I went there.

And then he decided to do his best Shelton Benjamin impression (yes, I said Shelton Benjamin because they're both black. If R-Truth were white I'd compare him to Jeff Hardy and if he were Native American I'd compare him to Amazing Red. Go ahead and call me a racist.) by diving out of the ring to knock out his opponent!

What? It's not like I'm saying R-Truth should have been a subject in the Tuskegee syphilis experiment.

Still, CM Punk is a former World Champion, whereas R-Truth is only a former NWA-World champion! You can't keep the hardcore hamwallet down for too long! How do you counter high flying! Simple! Rest holds Mexican surfboard!

Above: Latin charms

You'd never know it from WWE.com, but Truth won the match. Punk thought he had a 1-2-3 when his old nemesis, referee Scott Armstrong, counted slow. While Punk instructed Armstrong to count faster, Truth rolled up our shining example of virtue and Armstrong fast counted a three. Conspiracy!

However, WWE.com isn't all bad. Have I mentioned that I love the interns there? Take a look at this beautiful caption from the Batista/Matt Hardy match:

Ok, the cats out of the bag. We're actually WWE employees.

We all know that it's impossible to fight an uncaged Animal. Why did Matt Hardy even bother? Seriously. It also didn't help that Big Dave mounted the mush mouthed 'mo while he took a Twitter break.

Do I really need to? Ok, fine. "You're gunna get raped!"

Although I imagine being an uncaged Animal is awesome, there are some nasty side effects. Sometimes you walk alone into that pit of danger one too many times and forget the rules. Which is just what happened to Batista as he got DQ'd for hitting Matt with some television monitors (what?!) But hey, that happens when you're compared to the third best Sega Genesis game of all time.

Stand next to the announce table and tap A!

Also, I love the WWE.com interns.

Poetry

Yea, so clearly I didn't care about writing this one. Why should you care about reading it? You deserve better. Start by watching Smackdown (which is over half way finished by this point) on MyNetwork TV at 8/7c. Or at work this Monday on hulu.com!

Cash creates more cash

In case you weren't aware, WWE's pay-per-view buyrates are pretty much all down this year from last. That may seem like an obvious thing to you, seeing that the economy is in the tank and all. But historically, entertainment flourishes when financial times are bad. So why is WWE taking it on the chin this year, and more importantly, what are they going to do to fix it?

There's a few ways most of us sane people would suggest trying first:

1. Decrease the number of pay-per-views to avoid oversaturation of the market.

2. Spend more time building up feuds.

3. Avoid giving away PPV-quality matches during Raw or Smackdown.

4. Create new and interesting gimmick matches.

The WWE, however, doesn't feel like any of these are a good idea, and in order to recoup the money they've lost from lower buys, they're just going to up the price next year. That's right - the base price of a pay-per-view is going from $39.95 to $44.95 (convert it to pounds yourself, international readers). After all is said and done, a monthly event will cost you one crisp Grant.


Now we, being the internet-famous Laugh Twins, get all of our pay-per-views comped, so this doesn't really affect us, but we like to pretend like we care about those of you who aren't so fortunate. Which is why we're right there with you when we say, "This effin' blows." When more and more people are choosing to pay for groceries rather than get their hair done or buy a new gadget, wrestling pay-per-views are one of those things that fall into the "Shit I Don't Need" category, so this seems like WWE is a little out of touch with just where they rank in most people's lives.

So what would be better? Clearly we see the need for the WWE to make money, and this is one way they do it. We can't fault them for that, and neither can we fault them for trying to squeeze as much cash out of us as they can. However, there are other ways.

We would like to suggest a tiered, a la carte style of event, with buyers able to pick and choose the matches they would like to see, with the undercard matches being slightly less than the main event. A few bucks per match, with discounts to those who order several or all of them. In that way, the WWE cannot only charge a little more than they would were the prices to be broken down "per match," but they can also instantly gauge the hot storylines and the ones that might need a little more work.

Let's take a look at their last big show, SummerSlam, and see how this pricing might work:

WWE Intercontinental Championship - Rey Mysterio vs. Dolph Ziggler
Price: $2.75
Rey counts as three-quarters of a wrestler, so any match he's involved in will be discounted.

MVP vs. Jack Swagger
Price: $3.10
No title on the line, so it can't cross that five dollar mark, but this is a battle for honor. It's also got that ex-con vs. college boy vibe, so a few extra cents for that one. Who wouldn't pay for a good battle of the races?

Unified Tag Team Championship - Jeri-Tall vs. Cryme Tyme
Price: Free with any purchase
Come on...it's the tag team titles. Even Jericho can't resurrect these belts.

Kane vs. The Great Khali
Price: $5.50
It's big man versus big man! Which big man is the biggest?! Who is going to shove the other down first?! This is drama and tension at its all-time finest! (Note: we're speaking as WWE executives right now, not fans.)

DX vs. The Legacy
Price: $6.00
Yes, yes, it's a tag match, but there's no title on the line so this must be worth something. Extra $1.00 surcharge for "nostalgia," plus another fifty cents for the wrestling clinic Cody Rhodes is sure to put on. That kind of education isn't cheap, friends!

ECW Championship - Christian vs. William Regal
Price: First viewer pays $10.00. After that, it's free.
No one should be forced to pay for this, but that one ECW fan will be sure to pick it up.

WWE Championship - Randy Orton vs. John Cena
Price: $9.00
Premium billing because of "hogs" and "jorts." Also, any wrestler with an animal nickname commands an extra $1.50. Price increases retroactively to $9.75 if Cena pumps up his sneakers/smirks at the camera/attempts the Attitude Adjustment more than twice.

TLC match for the World Heavyweight Championship - C.M. Punk versus Jeff Hardy
Price: $12.00
Lots of extra charges for this one: main event match, gimmick match, major championship, face paint, match involving someone currently taking illicit drugs. $2.00 discount for C.M. Punk's product placement advertising for Pepsi. Bonus undercard match if Hardy is arrested during the bout.

W.W.W. featuring a WCW dance-off and the Undertaker in public

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays," the ORIGINAL wrestling-themed, YouTube video comedic co-commentary. Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your hype video for the Hogan/Flair Australia tour ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Matt's video to Adam- WCW: Ernest Miller vs Disco Inferno In A Dance Contest



Adam's response...

"I'm the greatest! Hit me! One! Two! One-two-three-four!"

That phrasing should accompany me everywhere I go. It's not like Ernest "The Cat" Miller is using it anymore. No sir, he's too busy killing Rammy "The Ram" Rammerson.

However, there was a time when he did have a legitimate claim to this phrase. Back in 2000, in the Dubya See Dubya. Now, I'm sure some of you may be snickering at this video. Murmuring to yourself about how this indicative of all things stupid WCW. And it is. But not for the reasons your thinking.

Is a dance contest stupid? Sure. But it's no dumber than any other time filler, mid-card segment we've seen or will ever see. No, the reason it's stupid is because no one can be bothered to even sell it like it's remotely cool. Let's start with LOL, Wresslin' favorite Tony Schiavone.

(l-r) Blabber-mouthed idiot, mush-mouthed idiot

He never knows what's going on! And not in that cool "Did Goldberg just literally kill a man?" way, but in the "Fuck it. I don't need to read a script. I'll just interrupt David Crockett whenever I want to" kind of way. Here's the direct quote.

"Now I uh...I'm going to be very honest with you fans. I...I know there's a dance contest. I don't know, I don't know who's going to be judging this. I don't know if it's the Nitro Girls are going to be judging the dance contest, or we've got a hand, or what's going to happen, but we're going to see some dancin'..."

Wow. You're actually dumber then John Madden, Tony.

"The team that scores more points usually wins! Right?"

Another dumb thing is WCW's stupid way of naming things. Calling an Asian dude "Sonny Ono" is not a clever pun! It's just taking a letter of a more famous person's name! Or Disco Inferno! What a dumb name that was!

Well, it's not totally dumb. For a gimmick of a disco dancer (which got more over then it had any right to), it's a decent name. It conveys what the gimmick is while bringing back fond memories of a Trammps song. What makes no sense is the name with his theme music. Sure, "Disco Inferno" is a song with a probably pretty hefty licensing fee. I get that. Use a knock off called "Disco Fever." But then call the character "Disco Fever!" It still conveys the same thing and the song makes more sense! Jesus Bischoff, what were you thinking back in 1995 when you booked this tripe!!?

Oh yea...

As for the actual dance contest, well I think it was legit. Nick Patrick's mullet called a fair match. Sure, The Cat had some flashy moves, but he failed the simple rule of dancing; stay in rhythm with the music! He just kind of moved his feet. Disco Inferno, despite just doing rudimentary disco moves, at least worked within the beat. He should have won and did. Of course, the main meat of the segment was The Cat's beat down of Disco after he lost, thereby continuing their feud and making me want to buy a PPV.

Oh wait. The camera/director were too enamored with the Nitro Girls' tits. Silly me. Why would I ever want to see the action in the ring?

Eh, I can't blame them.

Adam's video to Matt - Undertaker and Paul Bearer on TV



Matt's response...

Ah, the good ol' days, when wrestlers could come out in public in character. I'm glad those days are over.

Yes, we all look fondly on wrestling when we were younger; when we thought it was all real. In some ways, they were better. We enjoyed it more. We had more at stake. People's lives hung in the balance, and wrestlers like the Undertaker could cast magic at will.

But then you get situations like this. Where not only do Undertaker and Paul Bearer have to go out and act, so do Regis and Kathy Lee. They have to ask what's in the urn. They have to feign fear of the Tombstone piledriver. Regis has to pretend he's trapped in a casket.

All for what? I'll be honest - I didn't watch this show when I was growing up. I don't watch it now. I'm not in what you would say is their demographic, and I would imagine that's remained pretty much unchanged from when this segment aired. So who are they selling this match to? The elderly? Stay-at-home moms? The unemployed?? Ok, I'll believe that last one.

Like I said earlier, this just proves that things that happen on Earth-53 should stay on Earth-53. The Undertaker is one of those characters that should exist in the WWE Universe only, because otherwise, he's not scary. He's just dumb. And Paul Bearer isn't creepy. He's just a sex offender.


I'll tell you the best thing about this video though. We see the first iteration of one of my favorite WWE products: the wrestler teddy bear. And this one is just flat-out awesome.

Tell me a lie

Today is a sad day on earth-53. We've lost one of our own. Yes, Jamie Noble has retired. We'll pour a 40 on the curb for you, dude.



Now, we hear some of you snickering. "Oh, those Laugh Twins are at it again! Making a big deal over nothing, lulz." Well shut up! Jamie Noble rules! No joke. His entire career has been marked by nothing short of excellence. He started in WCW as part of the tag team The Jung Dragons, who had the gimmick of being Asian guys. Jamie, not being an Asian, wore a mask, thereby breaking down racial barriers for decades to come! Then, he took of his mask and formed another tag team with some dude named Evan Karagias, forming a tag team called "Noble & Karagias." Brilliant name, surpassed only by "Above Average" Mike Sanders.

Yea, he's about a 6.

When the WWF bought WCW, Noble was one of the 22 wrestlers whose contracts WWF decided to pick up from the old fed. That's right. They didn't take Goldberg, or Hogan, or Sting, or even Flair. Nope. Jaime Noble made the cut. That right there is evidence of his might.

Once in the loving arms of Vince McMahon, Jamie was able to be the real Jamie. He became a good old country boy, living in his trusty trailer with his girlfriend Nidia (who just so happened to have recently won WWF Tough Enough I). He also brought in his cousin, Nunzio, to WWE. Which makes perfect sense because the Italians are a race of people who frequently copulate with other races.

The good fortune didn't stop there, as Jamie and Nidia won the lottery and lived in hog heaven for a brief period. All until Tajiri, still mad about that Jung Dragons thing, decided to spit black mist in Nidia's face, blinding her. Jamie decided to get some ass on the side, since she was blind. Also, he thought he'd get away with it because on earth-53, the wrestlers never see what the crowd sees. Anyway, the two of them had a blindfold match which Jamie won because men are the dominate sex.



Then he got released for steroid usage.

This would also be fortuitous, as Mr. Noble went to the Ring of Honor. Now normally, that's not a good thing, but what did Jamie do there? Only won their frickin WORLD title. And who did he beat for it? Why, only CM Punk, Samoa Joe, and Christopher Daniels in a four-way match. Yes, Two former world champions and the other part of this Sunday's TNA PPV main event. We'd say Jamie Noble rules hard.

A month later he lost the title to Bryan Danielson. This no doubt paved the way for the eventual WWE Developmental deal Danielson signed four years later.

Anyway, Jamie went back to WWE and was part of Smackdown for a long time. He lost a bunch of Cruiserweight title matches, which sucks, but he also had a pretty awesome feud against Chuck Palumbo. Basically, he beat the former homosexual a lot and got to steal his woman because of it. Check out the old cooze hound in action.



Jamie then got traded to Monday Night Raw, where he continued being awesome and impressing ladies. Yup, Jamie Noble is more pimp then the Godfather ever was.



Then some albino beat him up so bad that Jamie had to retire.

Now, we know this may not seem like the most illustrious of careers. But honestly, what have you ever done? Can you look yourself in the mirror and say your half the man Jamie Noble is? Sure, he's short! But he's big on heart. And above all else, he was part of the greatest Velocity match of all time.



Yea, we thought so.

OH BABY, I like it Raw! Osbournes to be wild

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



The life of a Raw guest host must be hard. Having to show up and suddenly book matches that are expected to be entertaining can't be an easy task for anyone. For Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, it was no different, as they faced a parade of whining prima donnas, all looking to get revenge for something that happened an entire week ago! Ugh, get over it, fellas!

Thankfully, they wouldn't have to tread these waters alone, as they would get some helpful and unbiased advice...

Maybe I spoke too soon.

DX would help set up a number of matches we should care about, as Miz will face Evan Bourne in a title match, Kofi squares off against Randy Orton, and Big Show, Chris Jericho and John Cena in a Triple Threat! Thanksgiving came early, judging by this buffet of greatness!

We kick things off as we tend to do with the Miz. It sure is a good thing he was ready to wrestle, since they just made that match a few moments ago. Whew! Lucky us!


Of course, this being Evan Bourne, he would get in a lot of offense, look really good, and ultimately fail to beat his opponent.

Perhaps if he didn't get all his moves from Mortal Kombat.

So Miz is still U.S. Champion. Go ahead and wipe your brow, all one of you.

Randy Orton and Legacy would next take on Kofi Kingston, MVP, and Mark Henry, proving once again that WWE is not concerned at all about improving race relations in this country. This actually was supposed to be a one-on-one, but Legacy got involved, so the quick-thinking Osbournes made it a six-man tag. And my, would things ever be thrilling!

Cody looks more and more like this guy every day.

As you might expect, the match ended when Mark Henry did something fat to Cody Rhodes, but there were bad feelings still between the Viper and Kofi. At least the two could find a little common ground...


The Osbournes and the Great Khali would then judge the first "Raw's Got Talent" featuring Santino, Chris Masters, Chavo and Jillian. There is nothing funnier I can say.

Alicia Fox won some Divas battle royal to become the Number 1 Contender for the title. Let's see if I can find a picture from that...

Good enough.

Finally, we have this big main event three-way. Cena will be in a different Triple Threat come "Survivor Series," and his opponents, Triple H and Shawn Michaels, were sitting ringside to watch the action.

"Fan of the Night" is sponsored by Where's Waldo

A lot of questions surrounded this match. Mostly, would team Jeri-Tall work together to bring down the champ?


Jericho was able to get the pin and win, but they both proceeded to beat up on the Massachusetts Man-slammer, which didn't go over very well with DX, who decided that being good was better than being smart and intervened on Cena's behalf. An intervention which earned them this-

No means no, Trips.

That's pretty much all that went down last week. Not a big deal, really. Tune in tonight when some British nobody hosts Raw. Should be fun! USA, 9/8c!