R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Sore Loser

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

Raw may have there fancy pants celebrities hosting their shows now, but you know (tm) what, that's just a disguise. Fact is, Smackdown doesn't need any of that rigmarole, despite not being on a real network. Nope, just week in and week out, Smackdown let's it's TV show do the talking. Case in point- Jeff Hardy came out to cut a promo about being the new champion. And how awesome doing drugs is.


That was basically it, and then Cryme Tyme came out for some reason.


Oddly enough though, they were early for something. They had a #1 contenders match for the tag titles against The Hart Dynasty. You know, I've never noticed this before, but Tyson Kidd has a pretty dumb hair cut.

Dickhead

Anyway, this was another chapter in the long, storied feud of two mediocre tag teams. Cryme Tyme had it won, but decided to get all braggadocios with their pin and it was broken up.

Oh..naggers. Of course.

Still, Cryme Tyme were not to be deterred and toughed out a tough win. They will now take on Jericho and The Big Show at Summerfestslam. Of course, not ones to wait, the tag champs came out to confront their opponents and "crush their dreams."

Big Show looks kind of like a bald Penn Gillette

Oh well. On the plus side, this is probably the best photo of Natalya I've ever seen.

I can think of two reasons why I like this photo

Speaking of Divas, Undertaker semen must be some anti-aging cream, because Michelle McCool's abs are tight!

And to complete the tasteless joke hat trick: "I bet the inside of Layla's outfit is pink too."

There was a tag match involving Rey Mysterio and Dolph Ziggler and some other dorks. You know (tm), for someone who loves that mask so much, Rey Mysterio sure as shit doesn't tighten it all. He should learn to take better care of his stuff.

If it bothers that nappy beard so much just shave the damn thing.

Anyway, Dolph took the pin again because WWE loves to bury young up and comers. Because why should anyone ever get their heat back? Oh well, maybe I'm just complaining over nothing. After all...



Yes, and in our fabled main event, Smackdown's top face and champion took on...Smackdown's fastest rising face? Really? Because what better way to establish a new champion's credibility then have him job out your future top guy? Although, there are rumors that Jeff wants to take time off. You don't think that they'd put the strap on Morrison and jump right into a hot new feud with him and Punk, but deciding to "make" Morrison by having him beat the super over Hardy, do you?

It's like watching that 300 movie...

No..they couldn't do that. That'd be...exciting...

But Evan Bourne's on Raw! Wait a second...

Oh my God. They are going to shoc-oh. Twist of fate? Swanton? 1-2-3? Never mind. But hey! Here's a welcome surprise! CM Punk comes out to congratulate his old rival. Men clashed at Night of Champions, and one came out the better. No shame in that, Punk. Glad to see you're the bigger man.

Sportsmanship!

WOW! Never saw that coming!



Oh well, telegraph more Smackdown action tonight at 8/7c, MyNetwork TV. Or whenever you want on hulu.com!

The truth behind Summerfest

You may have heard of an apparent flub by this week's Raw guest host Jeremy Piven. During a segment featuring himself, John Cena and the Miz, Piven listed a number of events that the Miz would be banned from were he to lose his match that night. One of those events he called the "Summerfest."

Cena quickly corrected him, asking if he meant to say "SummerSlam," which Piven said he did. The show goes on, and everyone watching has a nice quiet chuckle about some Hollywood outsider not knowing anything about wrestling. Assuming this story would be covered by other wrestling news sites, we let it go, figuring why kick someone when they're down?

However, just this morning, we received a package at the LOL Cave addressed to the "Two Greatest Wrestling Comedy Bloggers for Now and Always." Clearly meant for us, we tore open the letter mailer and found a piece of folded, off-white card stock and a personal note.


It goes on to say that Summerfest is actually an exclusive wrestling event, held every year for the political elite, Hollywood stars and business moguls. It is a joint production of WWE and TNA, and serves as both high-class entertainment and product planning for the year ahead. Vince McMahon and Dixie Carter spend the time going over storylines and who will "jump ship" and when they would do it, meaning any competition in the wrestling business is all just an elaborate, however poorly executed, work.

Piven said that he's been on the guest list for some time, ever since his turn in Old School, and was set to go back this year after his movie The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard opened nationwide August 14th. But, following his slip on national television this week, he's been blacklisted from the event. His note went on to say:


The folded card-stock was actually the official invitation to Summerfest, complete with a list of events. Click for higher resolution.






As you can imagine, we could hardly believe our eyes. In some small way, we felt bad for Jeremy, having to miss out on this great event, yet thankful that someone finally brought this to our attention. Stay strong, Piv!


And, if you're like us and follow The Miz on Twitter, this tweet says it all...

@jeremypiven⁠ still cannot believe u banned me from summerfest. I mean I can deal with summerslam n raw but summerfest how could u?

Indeed, Miz. Indeed.

So LOL Fans, do your part and spread the word that this event is taking place behind the scenes! If the WWE and TNA really gave a damn about us, the fans, they would open this to the public. It would be any kid's dream to see this once-in-a-lifetime show, and it would be so simple for them to make that come true! But all they care about is their money!

Don't let the wrestling elite keep you in the dark any longer!!

W.W.W featuring The Godfather and The Four Horsemen

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your ironic rap video about Buff Bagwell a'int going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Matt's video to Adam- The Godfather Crashng (sic) WWE Wedding



Adam's response...

Do you need more proof that WWE is its own planet? Look no further then their treatment of weddings. Weddings on earth-53 take about...three weeks to prepare. And they occur after about a solid...seven weeks of dating. And they always happen in the arena, in the middle of the ring. Think about that for a second. WWE is a nationally touring company that books their shows many months in advance. Yet somehow, they can make the arraignments to usurp television/event time to hold a private ceremony? Money, let alone logistics, must be insane to make that happen! Even with an employee discount!

About the actual wedding; it's always the main event of the show. As it should be. But is it really the best thing for this, the most sanctimonious of days? People were bleeding and sweating in that thing literally twenty minutes before the ceremony! And how come there is hardly any friends and family there? Just other wrestlers! And how do they determine which side the guests sit on if everyone is all a coworker!? And they're all dressed like crap! Boys, this is a wedding, not some club. Wear a suit. Now, a tux may be a bit too formal if you're not in the party, but you can wear a tie at least. It's a little sad when The Godfather is the most appropriately dressed for this function.

A baseball cap, Trevor? Really?

I know it's usually fine for a military man to wear his officer's uniform to formal events, but somehow I don't think "camo tee shirt" is acceptable.

Hacksaw Jim Duggan's 2X4 is better dressed more appropriately than you are, Kenny Dykstra.

I'll give Hornswaggle a pass. He's wearing a jacket and vest, and I imagine finding clothes is hard for him.

Clearly, this is every little girl's dream wedding. It's like she's a princess!

The next step is for the Godfather to come out just when the reverend was going to wed the happy couple. Perfect timing, almost as if it was planned for full dramatic effect. Many men rejoiced at the sound of his familiar Wah pedal.

Side note: We may have another fantastic exchange to accompany "Hold my money, Kanyon." JBL is doing his best Jerry Lawler impression when The Godfather comes out. Michael Cole is playing the straight man (kinda) in their pairing, and says "How many times have you been divorced." JBL's immediate reply? "Several." Brilliant in it simplicity, simple in its elegance, elegant in its brilliance.

Now for those not familiar with The Godfather, he was a pretty hot character in the late 90's during the "Attitude" era. In case watching the video left too much subtly, he was essentially portraying a pimp. As a pimp, he is forced to confront his old rival, Monogamy. So he offers an old, bald man the chance to pay for one night with a few "8's" over a lifetime of banging this and having her make him a sandwich on occasion. Teddy Long isn't Smackdown GM for nothing, and wisely turns down the Godfather's offer. However, The Godfather is not done. He then offers the "Ho Train" to all the other male wrestler (who are totally straight). They rejoice.

"Yea, I knew being a wrestler would finally get us some sweet tang!"

Here's the problem. There are at least forty dudes here. Maybe five women. Not a lot to go around, fellas. But what's even better is how all the Divas (and female guests) are horrified by the behavior of The Godfather and his influence.


The one in blue is Brooke Adams. She was on ECW for a hot second and had the gimmick of "girl who is into The Miz" (a performance she should have won an Emmy for). Are you really so upset that some douchebag took part in douchebaggery? I used the finest research tools a my disposal, and I have to ask: is being around The Godfather more demeaning then placing in Miss Hawaiian Tropic and Miss Bikini USA model searches? Where the entire point is objectification of women? You know (tm) Brooke, they say people in glass houses...

Of course, this wouldn't be WWE if we didn't end on a hilarious joke. Gerald Brisco wants to join the Ho Train, but Pat Patterson holds him back? Why would he do that? Is Patterson some sort of gay?

Oh, he is? Really? He's actually an open homosexual who is also a high ranking official in an industry that presents that lifestyle in a negative aspect? He should actually be viewed as a model of courage. dignity, and class? His life story is interesting? Well you don't say...

Adam's video to Matt - Brian Pillman joins the Four Horseman



Matt's response...

Let me just say that it's always nice to see a little Tony Schiavone in a video. He doesn't really do much here, but he's still nice to have around; like an old dog that lays at your feet.

Here, however, I will focus on the three centerpieces of this video, in a little segment I call "Crazy, Crazier and Craziest."

Crazy - Arn Anderson

Now, you may think it a little odd to call Arn Anderson "crazy." After all, he keeps his stuff together and simply cuts a nice promo putting over the Horseman. Pretty simple, right? Well, for the sake of the bit, I couldn't call it "Somewhat Normal, Crazier and Craziest," so just go with me here.

You do need to question the mental capacity of someone that rides with the likes of these other two. Something must not be right up there. Also, Arn invokes "pure mathematics and the law of physics" in their victory over Sting. Tell me that's not at least a little crazy.

The Fourth Horseman.

Crazier - Brian Pillman

Judging by this video, some my disagree with not giving the ultimate crazy honors to Mr. Pillman, but honestly, who was going to unseat Flair? Aside from that, Flyin' Brian more than earns the title, and you can look at it more like a 1-A/1-B situation.

First, Pillman basically admits to conspiracy to commit murder, saying that Flair "cut Sting's throat" and then excidely describing the "carnage that ensued." No one seems that concerned that a man was killed in the middle of the ring, but I think this is something that should be investigated. We have a taped confession. This should be a slam-dunk.

Also, I can't prove this, but I think some gangs also call themselves a "dynasty," so that doesn't really explain that characterization away.

Finally, he does this:

This during Arn's time on the mic. I kind of feel bad for Arn, because this dude is crawling about the ring and acting a general fool.

However, he can't nearly equal our final entry for tonight...

Craziest - Ric Flair

Effectively the craziest person to ever have a wrestling microphone shoved in their face. Some may argue that title goes to Shawn Stasiak, New Jack or even the Ultimate Warrior. But there's a difference between "crazy" and "insane," at least for the purposes of this article.

Allow me to provide a transcript of his first moments on the mic:

ARN

And you know what that means...Tell 'em Naitch!

ARN and RIC clasp hands in a show of friendship and solidarity.

RIC

Speaks gibberish

RIC runs from one end of the ring to the other, strutting in between and forcing others out of the way.

Ric is so crazy, that he distracts Schiavone while he's interviewing Arn Anderson.

And, in the true mark of a crazy person, Ric fails to indicate where his similes end, inevitably leading me to believe that all of the Horsemen are in town, ready to "go to work" on every woman they meet. Though, I suppose that's not all that far fetched.

The perks of being a champion

For a song to accompany this post please press play



We all know that everyone wants to be a champion. Why else would someone compete for WWE unless they wanted to prove they are the best. Of course, not all titles are created equal. No, they all contain different benefits and deficiencies that have never been officially revealed. Until now that is. We Laugh Twins have ninja'd our way into the WWE Hall of Fame (it does exists, just not for you, Superstar Graham) and found a sacred parchment outlining the rules WWE holds dear. So be thankfull, but let's keep this one a secret, ok LOLiacs?

Intercontinental Champion

Champion of all landmasses, excluding the United States, which chooses to have their own champion (more later). The IC champ must learn the languages of the world and be present at all secondary functions of importance. Basically, if the Duke of Wales is throwing a party, expect to see Rey Mysterio there for a photo opportunity. As champion, he is part of a time share for a Swiss ski cabin and has a book of discount travel coupons.

United States Championship

The US champion is responsible for representing the ideals this great nation was founded on. He must uphold free speech, carry a gun, and count Negros as 3/5's of a person in all Census counts. He also must make sure these are in only the most pristine of conditions. However, it's not all Fox News watching and border wall building. No, the US Champion is often consulted upon to help form future policy in all wrestling legislation. He also can cut the line at any cafeteria he wants and gets an extra pudding!

ECW Championship

The main perk is having a say in Sci-Fi/Syfy's programming. If this was known earlier we could have telegraphed Matt Hardy's heel turn, as he was responsible for Battlestar Galactica's cancellation. Other then that, the ECW champion is worthless.

Women's Championship

Champion of all women. If she is pure and virginal, it is foretold that she will Immaculately Conceive the Savior's return. If not, she will oversea the work done on clothing repair/cleaning, grilled cheese sandwich preparation, and boo-boo fixing. For being champion, the National Organization of Women provide her with a celebratory terry cloth robe, foot soaking tray, and a GPS so she no longer will get lost when driving. Best part is, she can keep them all even if she's no longer champion! Multiple time champions receive a silk robe and $2,000 American Express gift card upon their third and seventh title reigns.

Diva's Championship

Upon winning the title, the Diva's champion is given a $40 iTunes gift card and VIP passes to VH1's annual "Divas Concert." She is responsible to dress like a whore and playfull flirt with all men. Sleeping one's way up to women's championship is encouraged, but not required.

Tag Team Championship

World Heavyweight Championship

He is champion of all landmasses and the seas. Dines with kings and queens, but can also feast on pork and beans. The World Heavyweight Champion is a gentleman and a scholar. He is also Ambassador of Earth for the Galactic Council. Meetings often adjourn with beatings. He is given the best of all fringe benefits. Firstly, the world champion is allowed one free Motorhead performance at a pay-per-view per year. He also has access to a network of spies to do background checks on anyone he chooses. The World champion is given a 1973 Cadillac El Dorado convertible for every title reign. Ric Flair has sold them all, in an effort to not leave memories alone.

World Wrestling Entertainment Champion

The face of the company; responsible for ratings and PPV buy rates for his period as champion. Subject to performance review. Also has a seat on the board of directors. Benefits include WWE paying for his MBA for a post wrestling career and increased merchandise production. Also gets the largest Christmas bonus. WWE also provides the champion with a company car and boat, and membership into an exclusive Greenwich country club. One day a year Vince McMahon will be his caddy, turning the tables on the other fifty-two.

Ask us? Being a champion is worth every sacrifice.

OH BABY, I like it Raw! Shaq Attaq

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



So, the night after Night of Champions. What did it have in store for us? What wonders would we be wondered by?

First order of business is the celebrity guest host, which this week (last week!) is Shaq. Shaquille O'Neal, for those of you who aren't in the know. Shaq already started shaking the foundations of Raw when he came up with five "Beat the Clock" challenges, with the winner challenging Randy Orton at SummerSlam. Wow, he really knows how to give the fans something special! This is all wrestling so far!

Oh, also he has a TV show coming.

Jericho, because he's a heel, was upset that Shaq didn't come talk to him before he came out. For whatever reason, that offended him, and he got his teammate Big Show to go tell Shaq just how much.

So much meat.

Naturally, Shaq did what every celebrity guest does - get bullied into a match. The big guy is going to be special enforcer in a match between the tag team of Jericho and Show and.....Cryme Tyme? Seriously?

As we move along, Mark Henry beat Carlito, setting the first time to beat at 6:49. Well, that's getting broken.

Then it's time for six Diva action! Mickie came to flaunt her new title, and brought a couple of friends along for the ride. The good girls won, but really, didn't we all?


Our next "Beat the Clock" match featured MVP. And who would his opponent be?


CHRIS MASTERS??

That's right, though he'd be lucky if half the people watching today remember him. Masters foiled MVP's chances at winning the challenge by causing a double count-out when he used his "modified" full nelson outside the ring.


U.S. Champion Kofi Kingston easily defeated The (Now Unemployed) Brian Kendrick.


Triple H is the next contestant on "The Time is Right," going up against Cody Rhodes. Of course, this match wouldn't involve a member of Legacy if another member didn't butt their way in. Teddy D interfered, causing the time to run out. Mark Henry is still on top the mountain!


I'm not going to bother with Hornswoggle and Chavo this week. Chavo was in a blindfold. So should have been the audience.

Our next match on the clock would be Jack Swagger against Evan Bourne (just so you know, Jack Swagger is the one trying to beat the clock). This could be difficult, but I think he can get it done in less than-

WHAAATTT?

That's right, Swagger didn't even win. What's wrong with these people? Don't they know their each supposed to win progressively faster, ramping up the drama until the final competitor of the night??


Alright Mr. Cena, last chance. He's facing the Miz. For the second time tonight, I say, "Seriously?" Provided you didn't know exactly what was going to happen, Miz quickly tapped out to the STF, giving Cena the win faster than Mark Henry. Of course, that prompted this.

"I'm here to taunt you with this championship gold."

Finally, it's our main event, featuring our guest host of the night. As special enforcer, Shaq would do nothing during the match to help his friends in Cryme Tyme, making me wonder just what the point of a special enforcer is anyway. However, once the boyz won via DQ, Shaq sprang into action, and pushed Big Show.

What you've all been waiting for.

Jeremy Piven is your guest host this week. If you don't know who he is, just know he's got a movie coming out soon. Tune in at 9/8c on USA to find out more about it!