R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Getting burned in the Miami heat

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

The great thing about this Sunday's PPV, Night of Champions, is that there is really little explaining to do. It's all title matches. So a handy recap of Kane and The Great Khali really isn't all that necessary, since neither are a champion, nor challenging a champion. Yes, they are essentially worthless right now.

So yes, tonight we are centering only in on the important stuff. Like our world champion, the straightedge CM Punk! He came out again to fulfill my wildest dream and shooting on Jeff Hardy.


Hardy's big response was "Nu-un! I never went to rehab!" Then he went back to the locker room for a quick bump. Punk then decided that the world champion should not only jerk the curtain, but come out for the match first, because lo an behold, recent LOL, Wresslin' favorite, John Morrison shows up for a one on one affair with the champ!

Morrison and Punk have had a consistent rivalry for a few years now. It first started at The Night of Champions from two years ago, after Chris Benoit no-showed the event due to the... unpleasantness. Well, this feud has been mostly one sided in favor of Morrison, despite Punk winning two world titles since it started. Still, the Shaman of Sexy seems to steal success from the Straightedge Superstar! Like a few weeks ago! Could lightning possibly strike for an 18th time?

If by lightning you mean foot to the back of the head

Yes, he who wears baby seals on his feet somehow managed to beat the champ with a roll up. Thankfully for Punk, it was non-title. Still, Morrison decides to show off a little sportsmanship, because it's so frickin easy to be a good sport when you win, ass.

Not pictured: CM Punk's trunks

Way to shrug it off, Punk! You've got weirder fish to fry.

Edge (remember him? He's been off TV for a week), was interviewed by Todd Grisham. It was all about Edge's recent ACL injury and how Edge may have to retire and this injury is all serious and stuff. All I heard was "Waaaa! Waaa! My penis! Waaaa!" I don't think I was delusional because Edge's former tag partner (and the man Edge let down), Chris Jericho came out and basically ran down Edge's injury. Edge didn't much care for that.

Edge: The Anti-Jeff Farmer

Jericho was done with Edge, but not for the night. He was teaming with Dolph Ziggler to take on Rey Mysterio and Jeff Hardy? Hmm, it seems as if someone is missing from this equation...oh right! CM Punk was doing guest commentating, totally just wanting a closer view of the man he's wrestled numerous times in the past (in both WWE and TNA), and has hours upon hours upon hours of footage of to reference. Totally not conspicuous at all.

All and all, pretty good match. The Big Zig took a break from being Maria's personal bar stool to do his best Macho Man impression.


Also, old flames Jericho and Rey decided to get it on and fall back into each other all over again.

Rey hasn't even made contact and Jericho is falling down! They know each other so well!

Side note: These just make me laugh.

Mysterio

Rhino

So the match ended in a DQ finish in favor of the heels. What's that you say? The faces for DQ'd? But they're good guys! They don't break rules. Well, for some reason Jeff Hardy decided to throw Jericho into CM Punk who was just sitting there, and then turn his back. Punk then threw Jericho into Hardy. Jericho hit the stairs, ref saw this, and called for the bell. Jericho then beat up Hardy and locked him into the Walls.

"I like to watch...(pant pant)"

Can anyone explain to me what Punk has done wrong here? I just see some dude minding his own business. Anyway, last show before a PPV that's 100 miles south of me and I have no intention of going to. Or buying. But you should get ready for it! 8/7c on MyNetwork TV! Or anytime on hulu!

Another big DVDA! (DVD Article)

There aren't many things better than a WWE DVD release. The amount of entertainment packed into those one to three discs is unparalleled in the DVD world. Imagine our surprise when we found out there's a bevy of new possibilities for an upcoming release.

WWE sent out a survey to help determine what this DVD collection would cover. Now, we have a few ideas of our own ("Best of Blondes" anyone?), but let's take a look at what we might encounted in the "Special Interests" section of the local Best Buy pretty soon:

Best of the Elimination Chamber - Apparently there have been nine of these things, so we guess it seems slightly reasonable to have a "best of" already. But just throw all the matches on a DVD and call it day, how about?

Chris Jericho - Oh yes, now this looks good. Jericho certainly deserves one, seeing as how WWE has never released an official Lionheart DVD. Just in case this survey doesn't turn out the way we want, an online petition has been started to make sure that WWE does what we want. There were 112 signatures when we checked; you can add another to that total, Jericholics. And we totally agree, Brittani (call us?)

113.	Adam and Matt, The LOL, Wresslin' Laugh Twins	save_us.222 already!
112.	Brittani	He is one of the best preformers in the company. He puts on some of the greatest matches. If they can out with a dvd I would absolutly watch it.
111.	William Thompson	Y2J!!!!!

Craziest Moments in WWE History - We're not sure how this would differ from "WWE's Funniest Moments," but surely something crazy has happened since 2001 to add to that collection.

Ricky Steamboat - This should be on that "craziest moments" DVD, because it's insanity that Steamboat doesn't have his own compilation out yet. Sure, all the WWE fans forgot he existed until Wrestlemania 25, but that shouldn't stop them from honoring the man.

Sting - And another one that needs some love. Despite that the man works for TNA (that's right Kurt Angle and Jeff Jarrett - it's called work), Sting has had nothing short of a legendary career. We guess you could wait until he gets tired of embarrassing himself.

Raw: Season 1 - What a cool trip down memory lane that would be. Don't forget to blur out those "WWF" logos!

John Morrison - Wait, what?

That's right, they're considering making a John Morrison DVD. Before you throw your hands up and think that WWE is off their rockers, let's think about this for a minute.

He's a Tough Enough winner, and we all know how much of an impact they have made on the WWE...




At least he's still employed, so that's an accomplishment.

He has a wide-ranging personality and can fit into a number of on-screen characters. Heck, in his first month on WWE television, he had three different names!

He was also a member of the tag team MNM, which gave us this:


He then went to ECW, and finally became the John Morrison we know today, and after winning their championship, decided to take on another partner, which led to this:


Ummm, you know (tm), on second thought WWE, maybe you should just forget that guy.

W.W.W. featuring Jumpin' Jeff Farmer and The Brian Kendrick vs Scotty Goldman

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your Chris Jericho/The Miz/Twitter slash fiction reading ain't gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Matt's Video to Adam- Jumpin' Jeff Famer Promo Collection: Vol 4



Adam's response...


Hmm, I suppose the new fad here is "Awful promos by rednecks that clock in at under one minute."

Regardless, this is part of a Youtube series about some former wrestler named "Jumpin'" Jeff Farmer. They are meant to show off some of his more memorable promos, and are in fact, video responses to Best Wrestling Promo Ever. Of course, the irony of the situation is that it was not, in fact, the best wrestling promo ever. It's actually fairly awful. So the Farmer series may be a continuation of this gag. But you know what, HoneyDewWilkens? Eat a dick. Eat a bag of dicks.

Is it a good promo? Lord no, but I've heard a lot worse (namely from a certain large hogged world champion who talks.....like......this.....for.....every.....word.....he....says.....in.....his.....long.....drawn......out....
redundant....promos....) But Jeff Farmer comes across like a real good dude. Someone who'd be fun to hang out with. Maybe talk a little wrasslin' with. Maybe, just maybe, his goal is not to be the meanest, baddest man ever. Maybe he's just an athletic guy who can provide for his family by wrestling. Maybe he's not an emotionally arrested individual who just needs to hit other men because his daddy touched his butthole. It's weird. I like Jeff Farmer.

Now granted, I had no clue who he was and there's really no information on him. I was able to find some info on a wrestler named Jeff Farmer who wrestled as nWo Sting in the mid 90's and is still active on the indy scene, but I don't think they are the same man. This tape looks like it's from the 70's. At the very least, it's a territory, and the territories for the most part were dead by 1992 when fake Sting started his career. As for the territory, it says it's IPW, but that's such a bland acronym that narrowing down the Miz's douchiest moment would be easier.

It's too hard to rank!

So Jeff Famer, you live on as a Youtube sensation. Congratulations! And don't let people who criticize a few stumbles and misunderstanding of words get you down. They're all posers.

You know (tm) what? That's stupid advice. Because Jeff Farmer has never been a cry baby, and he never will be.

Adam's video to Matt - The Brian Kendrick versus Scotty Goldman



Matt's response...

Enjoy the mid-card, Kendrick!

Now, I know that he probably didn't pick that gimmick, and I also know that Adam has a hard-on for it, but "The" Brian Kendrick just isn't over for me. Maybe it's the fact that he never has anyone decent to feud against (see: Scotty Goldman), but likely it's just that I don't like Brian Kendrick, "the" or otherwise. He's a great technical wrestler, but just doesn't do it for me with his personality.

Congratulations, Brian Kendrick!

And Scotty Goldman. You're good too, my friend. Very nice in the ring. The two of you had a quaint little match. But you will never make me laugh. Sorry. Try as hard as you want, but I will never find anything you do funny.

Tazz summed you up rather well: wacky. That's what you are. Wacky. And wacky doesn't do anything for me. "Ohhhh! You can break the fourth wall! You're aware of the conventions of Smackdown television presentation." "Tee hee, you use your butt as offense." "Your singlet has funny things written on it."

Ha. Ha. Ha.

Also wacky

How about Ezekiel? What can I say about him? Good luck with your future endeavors.

Same to you, Scotty.

LOL, Wresslin' movie review: Ready to Rumble

Remember that movie The Wrestler? It was the little indie flick that could and got some attention for a while. Eventually it was forgotten because it forgot the best part of professional wrestling; the spectacle! Sure, being a pro wrestler is a hard life and it involves drug use and a Bruce Springsteen song, but what about the ride up!? The fun times! The mad cap antics and zany adventures that forge friendships for life!

Thankfully, World Championship Wrestling (and AOL TimeWarner by extension) produced one gem way back in 2000. It is called Ready to Rumble and it is fantastic.

The film so fine they gave it two tag lines!

Now, we know all our readers are legal scholars, so before we get into the real meat of this review we shall assuage your fears. WCW totally cleared the trade mark for the phrase "ready to rumble." Michael Buffer used to do some ring announcing for them, so they already had a preexisting working relationship, so all the kinks were worked out no problem. Everyone feel better now? Good.

Here's the basic synopsis used by the finest research tools at our disposal:

Sewage workers Gordie Boggs (David Arquette) and Sean Dawkins (Scott Caan) watch their favorite wrestler, WCW World Heavyweight Championship holder Jimmy King (Oliver Platt) cheated out of the title by Diamond Dallas Page (playing himself), an evil WCW promoter named Titus Sinclair (Joe Pantoliano), and DDP's partners. After the match, the two wrestling fans humorously express their rage in their septic truck, resulting in a car crash with Gordie and Sean surviving.

After this event, Gordie believes that the car crash was supposed to happen and that they should make Jimmy King once again a title holder.

That makes a lot of sense to us!

The story progresses with Jimmy King sobering up and making amends for all the mistakes in his life. It's a true coming of age story, as The King, who may have had all the rich$ and luxurie$ in the world, learns what truth wealth is when he has nothing at all. Also, Gordie has sex with Nitro Girl Sasha (she's the head Nitro Girl because she doesn't have a stupid name like "Whisper" or "Prancer") played by Rose McGowen. One truly LOL moment was when she was trying to seduce him and she unveils her "secret weapons" (her breasts). Gordie, being the brain dead wrasslin' fan he is, screams "Foreign objects!" and commits domestic violence on her. This only turns her on more, because hey, she wanted it!

Of course she ended up being a spy for Joey Pant's character the entire time, but...we're going too deep into this.

So on the road to redemption, Gordie and Dale try and recruit various face wrestlers to team with Jimmy King, and also get Martin Landau to train him. Once the heel wrestlers (ok, Sid and Bam Bam Bigelow) get wind of this they decided to take out the old man and summarily get their asses handed to them. Only then does Sid come up with the bright idea to hit the old man over the head with a pipe do they subdue the wily octogenarian. This puts him in the hospital and it's also where Sasha's evil tendencies are revealed.

However, after hearing of the old man attack, no one will help Jimmy King, in fear of crossing Sinclair. Then Gordie is called back home to Wyoming to take the police officer's exam (which his overbearing father who pays not attention to his son wanted). Things never looked bleaker for the King, but he perseveres. With no wrestlers to have his back, King recruits a rag tag band of misfits to be his posse. He'll be ready for the big title match against Diamond Dallas Page. And the stakes have never been higher. Win, and King is king. Lose, and King is done. And top top it all off, this match will be contested in a triple cage!

Before the match, Sinclair instructs Sting, who we have never seen before in this movie, nor was he ever mentioned, to not get involved. Sting looks at him silently. How could he get involved though? It's a cage match, specifically designed to keep outside interference outside of...interfering...right. Still, that detail must have been lost as all the heel wrestlers (Sid, Bam Bam, Juventud Guerrera for some reason) come out to assist Page. Things are at their lowest for King, when suddenly, a bunch of face wrestlers come out to even the odds! Goldberg! Booker T! Disco Inferno (what?)! But there was one heel wrestler who completely tipped the balance. At first he was masked, so no one knew what to think. But then he unveiled himself to be Jimmy King's own inbred son! And even though no one has ever seen him before, Mike Tenay and Tony Schiavone immediately knew who he was. Thankfully, this was soon resolved as Gordie comes out wearing a policeman's uniform with the sleeves cut off. But he travels in style, as he rides a motorcycle and jumps it into the cage wall, knocking that wall down and landing perfectly in the ring. Miraculously, no one was killed.

So more brawling ensues in the triple cage (CageCageCage?) and eventually both DDP and King are brawling on the top cage. The objective is to grab the belt hanging from the ceiling. DDP knocks King off the top of the cage, ostensibly winning the match. But before he can grab the belt, none other but Sting emerges from the rafters to attack DDP for no reason despite how he was going to win the match clean. This leads to King winning the match, despite needing the help of Goldberg and Sting and a motorcycle to beat an inbred and The Juice.

Of course, what makes a great movie? We'd argue that a great movie makes you think about it well after the fact. It presents interesting questions that may not have clear cut answers. So here are a few that we've pondered over the years:

1. How are so many people watching WCW Pay Per View? That's not a slam against WCW's product (well, it is a little), but seriously. People with rabbit ear televisions were watching the event in crystal clear standard definition. People at their jobs were watching the PPV. We're willing to suspend disbelief, but not that much.
2. Is wrestling in this movie a work or shoot? We're going to assume shoot since King legitmally wants the title, but their are scenes where you see people booking.
3. This movie started the trend of movies dancing around the topic of Goldberg having a giant, cut hog. Shouldn't that alone put him in the Hall of Fame?
4. How does Gordy, a mid-late 20's virgin, have the self confidence to reject pre-car crash Rose McGowan?

As far as this movies lasting effect, well, the less said the better. WCW did implement the triple cage concept. Of course, Chris Kanyon almost killed himself in one of them, so that's how much of a good idea that was. Also, to promote the film, WCW had David Arquette win the heavyweight title in a tag match. Diamond Dallas Page, the film's secondary antagonist, was his tag partner. Yea, it was pretty stupid. To Arquette's credit, he thought it was dumb as well and donated all money he made to some dead wrestlers' families. WCW closed a year later.

Of course, we're not going to end on a sad note. No, this movie holds a special place in the our hearts, because it's another example of our unstoppable friendship that was forged in adamantium by the gods themselves. A few years ago, Matt was visiting Adam on the east coast and we watched Ready to Rumble for the first time together. There is one scene of blatant product advertising where Martin Landau's character is in the hospital and being visited by Gordie and Dale. Gordie brings him a non-descript candy bar, to which he is met with a "Get me a Butterfinger! That's my favorite!." Cut to a vending machine full of Butterfingers. Now we Twins paused the movie and laughed over how blatant the plug was but then said, "You know what though? A Butterfinger would be good right now." Cut to us driving to Seven Eleven to buy three Butterfingers.

But wait, it gets worse.

A few months later Adam was going to Austin for South by Southwest. One of his friends was coming along. So they stopped in Dallas for a few days to visit Matt. Matt and Adam recounted what marks for Butterfingers they were and a hearty laugh was had by the three. Then, one fatal sentence was muttered: "You know, a Butterfinger would be good right now." Yes, it got us twice!

How many movies can lay that sort of claim?

The Original Laugh Twins

OH BABY, I like it Raw! Lean, Green hosting machine

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...

The parade of celebrity guest hosts continued last Monday with our GM for the night, Seth Green!(?) This is completely logical and focused purely on the product, not a thinly-to-not-at-all veiled cross-promotion.

By the way, the season premiere of Robot Chicken on Adult Swim is July 26th at 11:30/10:30 PM.

As Seth and Triple H talked in the middle of the ring about how much they like each other (and how Hunter is going to be on the previously mentioned season premiere of Robot Chicken), Randy "King Ding-a-Ling" Orton had to come and ruin everything. I guess he thinks he can do whatever he wants since he's the WWE Champion and all.

Randy accused Seth Green of trying to play with the big boys, and Seth did what any reasonable person would do in his situation - put himself in a match against Orton and Legacy.

Above: poor assessment of the situation

Of course, Seth will have back-up in the form of Triple H and John Cena, two men who are about to fight each other for the belt. This will work out just how he planned it.

Seth also made a six-Diva tag bikini tag match for later in the night, so that should be ni-

DID HE SAY SIX DIVAS IN BIKINIS???!!

I have to lie down. On my back, of course.

One team won this match, I think. Really, I blacked out. Too much blood redistribution.

Poorly disguised innuendo.

Alright, I believe Raw continued after this, but I can't be sure. If it did, here's what I think should have happened. Jericho confronted Seth in his "office," because we can't have people going around Raw giving the fans what they want. Jericho said he had a big announcement. Seth said his Robot Chicken Roller Skating Tour is on the road now. This should be good.

Before I had a chance to strap wheels to my feet, Primo was in the ring cutting a promo on his brother Carlito. At least I think that's what he was doing; I don't speak Caribbean. However, much to the surprise of everyone, the Miz answered the call to the ring. I guess Primo should have specified which cock a-hole with stupid hair he wanted to fight.

The match was about how you'd expect it, until Carlito finally showed up, not dressed to wrestle at all. Primo took a swipe at him, which gave Miz the opening he needed to do one move and end the match. Then Carlito entered the ring and spit apple on his brother.

In case you didn't get the memo, he's a heel now.

Well, last week Jack Swagger called MVP an ex-con in his own VIP Lounge, and despite this being the truth, we can't let that get in the way of a good fight! So MVP met Swagger in the ring for what's sure to be a modern day classic. You know (tm), there's just something I don't like about that Swagger fella. I mean, I know he's an up-and-comer, but he just strikes me the wrong way...

I just can't quite put my finger on it.

So they fought. Let me see if I can dig up a photo of the match for you. I know it's around here somewhere-

Oh, haha, how'd that get in there? Oh well. I recover quickly.

Jericho finally comes to the ring for his big announcement. Edge is injured. Uh...we knew that already! Come on, Jericho, we're not that dumb.

Jericho said that at Night of Champions, he'd be choosing a new tag team partner to defend his Unified Tag Championship with. WHHAAAAT?? Who's it going to be??! I have no clue.

Ugh, as if.

Seth Green apparently wasn't pleased with how their little office chat went earlier in the evening, so he booked Jericho in a match with Mark Henry, despite Lionheart being completely unprepared to wrestle. Hey Seth, the man hasn't even taped up yet! He could get injured! Way to go, jerk!!

Oh, did I mention Robot Chicken is premiering this Sunday? Because it is.

Hornswoggle and Chavo had a match. Really?? Really, WWE??

That's better.

We're transported backstage, where Legacy is discussing their strategy for the match later tonight. Why would they allow in a camera man during this meeting? Seems counter-productive, but I'm not the WWE Champion, so what do I know?

That's right.

Randy says for Teddy and Cody to take on Cena and Triple H, because he's got something special planned for Seth Green. So Orton gets his buds to contend with the two biggest guys in the match, while he fights a man that barely qualifies as a full-grown adult. That's strategy.

Apparently Big Show has figured out that it's too much work feuding against the big guys and has decided to pick on the smallest mid-carders he can find. Last week (two weeks ago!), I was Evan Bourne and Kofi Kingston. This week (last week!), he went with only one of them - Evan Bourne. The way the match went was pretty simple. Bourne was some small amount of cargo, and Big Show was a pissed-off dock worker getting paid by the load. It was not pretty at all.

That dude needs a raise, because he just went out there and basically rode every single traveling carnival ride without any safety restrictions. Congratulations on your future with the company, Evan!

It's finally time for the main event, and this one should be good. Just like that season premiere of Robot Chicken, which will be on Adult Swim next weekend! (Check your local listings!) Seth got tagged in while Cody was in the ring, and he got in an obligatory punch to the head. We all cheered! Then Cody realized that he's finally fighting someone smaller than him, so he went after Seth, who rolled out the ring and ran. Triple H caught Cody on the outside with a clothesline. We cheered again!

Otherwise, this was a pretty standard tag match, and things ended how they tend to do...

Alright Trips, I'm a big fan, but honestly? Always with the sledgehammer? How have you not destroyed every other person in the WWE by now? I'm pretty sure even I could at least end Orton's career by using a sledgehammer.

Anyway, the match ends in a DQ, after Cody brought in a chair. Cena and Triple H feign like their going to fight, and then they lift Seth Green above their shoulders, and we all cheer madly!

Tune in tonight, when our guest host will be...(spins wheel)...ZZ Top! 9/8c on USA!

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Anarchy in Bakersfield

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

While Monday Night Raw has chaos week in and week out, Smackdown has been marked by it's consistancy. Wait! What am I talking about! Smackdown was in Bakersfield, California last week, and things erupted into total ANARCHY! That's right! Anarchy in Bakersfield!

We open this week with Smackdown's brightest young face taking on Smackdown's brightest young heel. John Morrison started the night by looking for the Big Zig, only to find Ziggler running out of the closet. The obvious joke was made, but then who should also emerge from the closest but Maria! And she was all glowing like! So we can add "sexual intercourse" on the list of things (such as alcohol consumption and unsanctioned violence against officials and other employees) that are perfectly fine to do while on the clock on Earth-53. But seriously, take that Morrison! Now who's laughing!?

Dude, that shot and that caption a'int helping your case...

Anyway, John Morrison did some crazy spots, totally making relieving any stress I may have over who Smackdown's top face will be after Jeff Hardy's third strike. Check this out!


Unfortunately, Dolph Ziggler didn't really help that "I'm not gay" thing by grabbing Morrison's tights to win the match (REMEMBER THIS! THIS IS IMPORTANT!) I don't quite see how grabbing another man's ass would give me extra leverage. It's fun, for sure. But when wrestling? Pass.

What of the top feud on Smackdown- Jeff Hardy and CM Punk for the World Heavyweight Title! Well Jeff is certainly taking it with the seriousness it deserves.

Dammit, Jeff...

Yes, Jeff thought it'd be fun to mock Punk's eye injury again. Because people wear eye patches when they haven't lost an eye...right. Thankfully he took one thing seriously and that would be his match with KANE! He even found time for a little fun!

I imagine it's more like 'The Little White Machine.' Better take a seat and study it."

Unfortunately, that would be it for the Homicidal Harlequin, as CM Punk decided to just play his music and stand on the stage. As we all know, this will shatter any man's concentration and gave KANE! the advantage.

Chokeslam city.

But what of the aforementioned CM Punk? He had a match against former world champion, The Great Khali! But before any of that could go down, Jeff Hardy decided that turn about was fair play, as he was going to distract CM Punk back! Unfortunately for him, he did it wrong and came out before the match. Whoops!

"You know what man? This is Sanford, North Carolina. This is LAW territory. Hey man, check it out! It's the LAW! And the LAW's where it's at! So Jeff Hardy is present. So I'm here to check it out. I'm here to rock everybody. And that's what LAW's all about. L-A-W. Jeff Hardy." "That was the f!*%ing s%#*$!"

Obviously, this was stupid on Jeff's part. As CM Punk came out for his match, grabbed a mic, and cut the "Jeff Hardy is a drug addict" promo that I've been waiting for forever.

Burn

But what of the match? Well, none of it really mattered. Since Vince has a hard on for big men, the limited Khali naturally dominates the awesome CM Punk. Thankfully, KANE! came out to continue his feud with the Great Khali, so the match was ruled a no contest.

KANE!

Yup, so the most over guy in the company, responsible for loads of merchandise sales and the top face on their broadcast television brand and current World Champion who is being groomed to carry this company for the next ten years are background players in the KANE!/Great Khali feud.


Finally, Chris Jericho and Rey Mysterio went at it for the Intercontinental title once again. Once again it was great. I'm not being snarky. It was great. But I'm glad the feud is over. It's like eating Oreos. The first three boxes are great, but by the time the fourth comes around, well, maybe you want a Triscuit.

Above: Laugh Twin Adam and some "fans"

Still, it did provide another awful caption from my favorite interns.

You can't dial up 619. It's an area code. Stop it.

You'd think that'd be it, but you're of course a common stupid person. Jericho's tag team partner, Edge, somehow healed his torn ACL enough to beat up Mysterio after the match, just so Jericho can get his revenge. But it didn't stop there! Nope! One more man ran in to beat up Rey as well! Dolph Ziggler.

Above: Earth-53 Overtime

Of course, this act of criminal violence has rewarded him with a title shot at Night of Champions. Because that's way these things work.

What other head scratchers will happen tonight? Better watch before Sunday! 8/7c on MyNetwork TV, or whenever on hulu.com!